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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse access to daughter ( long story sorry )

103 replies

lolarose2591 · 23/10/2013 19:09

hi , I me and my ex had our daughter when we were v young but made it work. last year I gave birth to a lil boy and whilst being pregnant with him my partner was having an affair with my best friend who happens to be my daughter god mother.

we obviously split up and he has wanted access to my daughter but not my son, I have refused him access as I think this is unfair.

then a few months ago my daughter fell extremely poorly and had to have serious surgery, I rang him and let him and also did let her see him at this time as I thought we were going to lose her . she has still not fully recovered and probably won't but he is still not treating my son the same so have stopped contact until further notice

but I don't know if im being unreasonable to my daughter ?

OP posts:
Original poster
lolarose2591 · 23/10/2013 21:49

i am staying strong until demands are met, the only demand i want meeting is he gives my son a chance. i can teach him about the meds etc he can come in to my house if he wants.

lol kirjava he is a bit of a to sser ... don't know how i didn't see it before !

OP posts:
Original poster
lolarose2591 · 23/10/2013 21:51

needaholidaynow apparently so.

if i had come on and asked was i being unreasonable for only wanting to see one of my children because i didn't really bond with the 2nd id be slaughtered.

OP posts:
badbride · 23/10/2013 21:52

I'm going to contradict some of the other posters and suggest that going straight to court may not be the best way to fix this. The law can be a very blunt instrument for dealing with difficult situations like this. It is also extremely stressful and can take a long time. You also need to be sure that you are getting GOOD legal advice and representation, otherwise you could end up facing a court order that is not what you really wanted.

Far better, if possible, to try to negotiate a solution first (which you then formalise legally). It may be that feelings are running too high at the moment for that to happen: you are heartbroken and livid, he is possibly feeling guilty/ resentful. And then there's the reason why he is refusing to see his son: I have no idea why, but there is clearly something going on. A court order is not going to fix whatever it is.

My advice would be: first, look after yourself . You are dealing with the trauma of a relationship breakdownthis is incredibly stressful for anyone of any ageand you need some time to deal with it.

Second, get advice from organisations that can help you try to negotiate a solution about your children's contact with their father. An organisation called Gingerbread may be a good place to start: see their advice website here: www.gingerbread.org.uk/emailadvice.aspx

And make sure you surround yourself with friends and other people who can help you. I hope it all goes well for you.

needaholidaynow · 23/10/2013 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thisfuckerisaeuphemism · 23/10/2013 22:11

Imagine any parent saying they're only going to look after one of their kids!
Its utterly outrageous. And that's besides the fact he ran off with her best friend and doesn't support them.

HildaOgden · 23/10/2013 22:20

I'd get proper legal advice,and send him an official letter offering reasonable access to both children.

Then let him reply stating he only wants access to one of them.

Then I'd bring that to court and let the judge clearly see what a fucker neglectful parent your ex truly is.

For what it's worth,I really admire your maturity in dealing with such a horrible situation.I really hope it works out well for you and your kids,you all definitely deserve better than that deadbeat.

WilsonFrickett · 23/10/2013 22:23

I don't think anyone has said the XP is reasonable actually. Everyone thinks he's a prick, it's pretty much unanimous. What some posters have said though is it isn't about the XP, it's about the best interests of the children. ATM it may be in the DD's best interests to see her F. That's all.

It's a horrendous situation though and OP fwiw I think you are trying to do the best you can with a shitty set of circumstances.

iheartdusty · 23/10/2013 22:31

as I said above, I really strongly feel that it's both or neither.

but I don't agree that OP should immediately offer direct contact to both.

How will her ex treat little DS, if he doesn't really want to see him?

I think OP should send an official letter offering supervised contact at a contact centre to both, because of the very significant risk that ex will cause emotional harm to DC through neglecting DS in favour of DD, and because DS does not know him at all and is very young and vulnerable indeed.

ThePinkOcelot · 23/10/2013 22:40

YADNBU! What an arsehole. I can't believe some posters think that this is okay!

needaholidaynow · 23/10/2013 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Retroformica · 23/10/2013 23:20

Unless he is an abusive man, you need to encourage a relationship with both kids. He need time to bond with boy and opportunities.

Original poster
lolarose2591 · 23/10/2013 23:53

thank you for all the advice and support. I do deep down believe i am doing what is right in the long term. I would never put a barrier between him and the children without reason , if i had my way it would be 50/50 and would love for both my children to be bought up by 2 parents as i know how it feels not to.

for now I am going to refuse him contact unless he choices to decide he want to at least attempt contact with both. If we end up in court then i will argue that it is not in the best interest of either child to be in that situation.

i don't want to come across bitter and angry , and although yes I am angry at him and hate what he did to us i would never let that dictate what he is like as a father and do hope that one day , he will see sense and see that his son needs him as much as my daughter.

OP posts:
fourbythree · 24/10/2013 00:41

It might be that he's a bit overwhelmed at the thought of having a poorly 5 year old and a 1 year old in his care at the same time - that's quite a responsibility for a 20 yr old ( I know you cope - but you rock :-) )
I wonder if instead of getting defensive And pushing it to court you could try and think of ways he could get to know his son? Maybe suggest he takes him for an hour or 2 on their own?
I know what happened with him and your friend is awful and you must feel very betrayed and hurt- but I think you need to be the mature one here and see that the gf bring involved might actually be beneficial to your children - she clearly had a connection with them through her years of knowing you - and it may be that she can bring a bit of understanding about your daughters medical needs.
I think the most urgent thing you need to go is to get your diabetes nurse specialist to contact your ex to make time to go through her plan of care. He needs to fully understand her medical needs so he can look after her safely.

Original poster
lolarose2591 · 24/10/2013 00:45

hey fourbythree , i know what you mean and that's what i have tried , saying he can even be at mine for a couple of hours on a firday with my ds and then take daughter after without him, until his bonded and comfortable. if there is any suggestions on how to try and get contact started without court i would defo try :)

OP posts:
MoominsYonisAreScary · 24/10/2013 00:51

I dont think you could be any more reasonable towards him, evrything you suggest regarding your son is met by a no from him.

Dont see how in the long term him seeing one without the other would work without causing jealousy and resentment

Original poster
lolarose2591 · 24/10/2013 01:09

im going to give it one more shot , by inviting them to ds bday next week , if he makes no effort then i will leave it in his ball court regarding what he decides :)

OP posts:
Chakkarollo · 24/10/2013 01:16

I was bought up a bit like that and my mother seriously regrets her behavior now and wishes we had more access to our father at the time.I wish I had more contact with my father aswell .I felt my father never really cared but it wasn't entirely his fault

Original poster
lolarose2591 · 24/10/2013 01:19

chakarollo , what part did you think was your mums fault and what behaviour ?

OP posts:
lessonsintightropes · 24/10/2013 01:23

Oh lolarose I think you are in a non-win situation here, and a pretty shitty one at that. Sorry, this is not a nice place to be.

I think on balance like PP it might cause longer term problems with your DD if you refuse access. Whatever the situation with your son, he does have the right I think to try and have a relationship with her, and it would muck up your mum/daughter bond later on if you didn't allow him access.

It's messier with the inclusion of the 'friend/girlfriend' though and I can completely understand what a cow you think she is (or I would anyway) but if your DD knows and likes her sadly it might be happier all around for their relationship to continue.

However, your ex DP really needs to sort out his hideous attitude to his son and you should (IMO) use whatever social pressure is at your command to get him to play an active part. If I was in your situation I would try and make him feel guilty about not being involved in his life when he is, in the life of his sister. If you can get him to reflect on this it might help.

You sound like someone who is really sorted out and mature and trying to do the best you can when other people around you aren't - the best of luck to you and your lovely kids are lucky to have you.

lolarose2591 · 24/10/2013 01:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Chakkarollo · 24/10/2013 01:43

lolarose my mother was a bit naughty by saying to my dad it was not possible to see me at many times which was not entirely true.My mother made it difficult for my father to see me .That's what i mean by her behavior.It's hard to comment on your personal situation because we don't know the father .If he was a total out of it then fair enough etc..

DoubleLifeIsForAnyFUCKER · 24/10/2013 01:49

Horrible situation and really hard to change as you can't make him be a good person, no matter how much he should be.

Btw, you're using the names of your children in your posts, are you sure that's a good idea? We normally use ds/ dd to keep it anonymous, of you want to change it I'm sure mumsnet would change it for you...

thegoldenfool · 24/10/2013 07:30

i think although DDs relationship with her dad is important, her relationship with her brother is just as important, and the example that it will set about how to behave by ignoring your DS means that you are doing the best of a bad job but letting him only see both or none.

It´s not like he is showing himself to be a stable influence in the future :(

wonderingsoul · 24/10/2013 07:53

ynbu its ethier both or non at all.

for thouse who says its unfair on dd.. what about the ds.. and the relationship between dd and ds...

the op has even said he can see dd one the weekend long as he sees ds for a few hours to build a relationship, (before having him at the weekend to i hope) i dont think she can get fair than that.

moreyear · 24/10/2013 08:06

What a horrid, vile person he must be to treat your son in this manner Lola. Has he spent any time with him at all?

I hope for your children's sake he begins to act in a more responsible and nurturing manner but until he does I can completely understand why you want to act in this way. It must absolutely break your heart.

And if your son is one in a week it will only be a very short time before he will be able to recognise what is happening. My 15 month old screams like an angry Pterodactyl when my 2 1/2 year old is taken to playschool a couple of mornings a week. She is certainly aware if her brother is going out without her.