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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to refuse access to daughter ( long story sorry )

103 replies

lolarose2591 · 23/10/2013 19:09

hi , I me and my ex had our daughter when we were v young but made it work. last year I gave birth to a lil boy and whilst being pregnant with him my partner was having an affair with my best friend who happens to be my daughter god mother.

we obviously split up and he has wanted access to my daughter but not my son, I have refused him access as I think this is unfair.

then a few months ago my daughter fell extremely poorly and had to have serious surgery, I rang him and let him and also did let her see him at this time as I thought we were going to lose her . she has still not fully recovered and probably won't but he is still not treating my son the same so have stopped contact until further notice

but I don't know if im being unreasonable to my daughter ?

OP posts:

FreeWoooooooo · 23/10/2013 20:38

^whose

musicmadness · 23/10/2013 20:40

Honestly I think this is a bit no win for you.

Firstly forget about the girlfriend, as long as there aren't safeguarding issues you can't block contact just because she is there.

Obvious reasons why this is totally unfair on your son but from your daughters point of view if you stop contact you have stopped her seeing her father and it is all your fault, you could end up irreparably damaging your relationship with her. If she links her brother with her parents splitting up (I've seen it happen before with very similar ages - and the damage has lasted to late teens and is still ongoing), you could also end up jeopardizing their sibling relationship.

I think as your son is only 1 (and therefore won't understand either way at the moment), I'd allow him access to your daughter and keep trying to make him build a relationship with your son. Either he will realise he has made a huge mistake as he sees your son getting older, or he will decide it's too much hassle and will leave (but at least this won't be you blocking contact).

If it gets to the point where he is still being a total dick and your son is starting to notice the decision might have to be revisited but that is probably at least a couple of years away and at the moment I think helping your daughter through this as painlessly as possible is the priority - she is the one old enough to realise what is going on and has more potential to get hurt at the moment than your son.

Original poster

lolarose2591 · 23/10/2013 20:40

sorry was just reading through some of the posts i missed , i can see a couple think i am doing this because i am angry.

of course I am angry ! they were sleeping with eachother under my nose , a best friend of 10 years and a long term partner , defo not unreasonable. so yes I am angry and i know some mums who would be bitter and stop him seeing her children as revenge. I am not doing this at all !

i found out about them because i went in to labour and had to send my oh mate around looking for him because his phone was off and he was at home with her !
and yh i do love him and hate him at the same time.

my life has been upside down ever since, but all i want is for us to come to an agreement where its fair and that both children have 2 parents who love them and want to spend time with them.

OP posts:

zookeeper · 23/10/2013 20:40

I think you should let your dd see him and in time hopefully he will want to to see ds

Altinkum · 23/10/2013 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

needaholidaynow · 23/10/2013 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

lolarose2591 · 23/10/2013 20:44

see this is the thing i know my son is only 1 and doesn't understand but it really does break my heart that someone so innocent in all of it is the one getting punished.

well as for court, he has stated he is taking me to court over si, not fras but I am putting the full account across to them and my reasons for preventing contact.

OP posts:

needaholidaynow · 23/10/2013 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparrowlegs248 · 23/10/2013 20:50

Yanbu. He is. He should see BOTH of his children.

BrianTheMole · 23/10/2013 20:51

He sounds like a cunt op. Lucky escape for you. Personally I would say both children or nothing. With the girl friend thing, i'd probably let her be involved tbh. Your dd knows her and I assume likes her, presumably she can be trusted with the kids even if she wasn't a trustworthy friend.

badbride · 23/10/2013 20:53

OP, you write: the children are 5 and nearly 1. and well i am 19 and his 20.

If this is right, then you must have have been just 14 years old when your eldest child was born?

I am not a lawyer, and so don't know what a family court's attitude would be towards a man who had been in a sexual relationship with a girl under the age of consent, even if he himself was underage at the time. But if you were under 13 when it began, I think a court would view it very seriously.

Have you got family and friends supporting you? It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation.

Original poster

lolarose2591 · 23/10/2013 20:59

bad bride i was 14 and him 15 when i had si, but tbh i wouldn't like to use that against him as it was a mutual relationship very much in love well as much as u think you are at 13 lol

OP posts:

Original poster

lolarose2591 · 23/10/2013 21:00

and no not really many people, he was my family and all my friends don't have a clue lol all childless and i think sometimes a lot of the older people are kind of like our relationship wasn't real anyway because we were young.

OP posts:

badbride · 23/10/2013 21:10

Thanks for clarifying, Lolarose. I didn't want to suggest that you automatically use it against him, I just did the maths and was a bit worried for you.

Can your health visitor/ GP advise you about relationship mediation services you could access? Mediation could perhaps help you and your children's father find a way forward: the courts are not necessarily the best way to solve this, at least, not until you have exhausted all other avenues. I wish you the best of luck.

WhoNickedMyName · 23/10/2013 21:10

Do you have any kind of contact or relationship with his parents/family? What do they think if him not wanting to see his DS? Any chance of getting them to try and talk some sense into him?

Original poster

lolarose2591 · 23/10/2013 21:21

i speak to his foster mum , but she hasn't been able to make any sense from him.

OP posts:

badbride · 23/10/2013 21:21

I'm flabbergasted that some people are regarding your relationship as "not real", Lola. In your shoes I would be pointedly asking them where on Earth they think your children came from. A stork delivery? FGS.

Original poster

lolarose2591 · 23/10/2013 21:23

lol bad bride,
i think as we were so young it was seen as like a school romance , no 1 believed we were going to last.
was like there lost kids who had something in common. not sure anyone blinked an eye when he cheated.

OP posts:

KirjavaTheCorpse · 23/10/2013 21:26

He sounds as though he didn't mature much past 15 years old. Of course he should see both of his children.

The one year old won't know any different? He will, when he's no longer one , what an odd attitude. You're right to be cautious about the lopsided contact. If I were you I'd be as obstructive as possible until he could do something in court, in the interests of both my children's mental health. What a tosser.

WilsonFrickett · 23/10/2013 21:31

If he's threatening to take you to court, then let him. It's what you want, tbh. A judge is going to order joint contact, ie both children, or none. The judge won't let him cherry pick.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 23/10/2013 21:32

No way would he see one of my children without the other unless there was a court order forcing it.

What an utter shit

Original poster

lolarose2591 · 23/10/2013 21:42

yh i am not forcing court , i have left it to him. if it is what he really wants then he will fight for it.

another thing is with my daughter illness he needs to take the time to learn about how to cope aswell before over night stays. he had her one night after she was out of hospital and fed her a mars bar !! she is tpe 1 diabetic and has no pancreas so doesn't produce enzymes. I just want to ensure everything is in place x

OP posts:

balia · 23/10/2013 21:46

I think you're both being unreasonable, TBH. Using/restricting access unless 'demands' are met (obvs not if there are safety issues etc) is just wrong. And it goes without saying that he has behaved in a disgraceful way. But if you reinstate contact with your DD the situation is likely to get much less fraught and unpleasant and you might be able to move forward on the issue of bonding with his son.

What about mediation? You could talk through the issues with an impartial 3rd party, it might help. Sounds like you have had an unbelievably difficult time and you need some support.

And I'd be very careful about advice such as 'just let him take you to court'. It is unbelievably stressful, you won't get legal aid, and you will be bound by a contact order but he won't (eg there's nothing you can do if he decides not to turn up).

KirjavaTheCorpse · 23/10/2013 21:46

Then that makes him a fucking idiot as well as a tosser. He's clearly incapable of looking after your daughter's basic needs.

Let him do the running.

needaholidaynow · 23/10/2013 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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