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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

A quickie - me or my mum being unreasonable?

31 replies

RedRust · 22/10/2013 15:49

Just a quickie!

Very often when I ring my mum she will answer with "I thought you'd left the country!!" or something similar, for no real reason as we speak regularly.

We had an argument about it this morning when I took her up on it. I told her it sounded like she was having a dig at me for not ringing when she said this, and she responded by getting very angry and accusing me of not being able to "take a joke"! We both ended up quite angry, though we managed to change the subject. Though hopefully, she'll never answer the phone that way again!

I know I sound about 12 with this question, but I guess that's how relationships with mums can be sometimes ... but feel I need some kind of reality check as to who was being unreasonable here ...

OP posts:

Laura0806 · 22/10/2013 15:50

do we have the same mother? I don't know the answer but I have simialr arguments with my mother

LimitedEditionLady · 22/10/2013 15:51

Doesnt it just make you not want to phone!

Lovecat · 22/10/2013 15:52

I think she is, but then my mum does this too :o

I'm always a bit about people who accuse you of having no sense of humour when you're the butt of their 'jokes'. It's almost a form of low-level gaslighting - how dare you be anything less than amused by their wit!

Hopefully it will have made her think a bit though.

Original poster

RedRust · 22/10/2013 15:53

P.S. Just as background, I think my mum can be a bit of a "bully" and a "blamer" towards me on occasion, though things have progressed a lot in recent years. But we still have these weird kind of arguments that throw me.

OP posts:

Original poster

RedRust · 22/10/2013 15:55

Yeah, and I'm having a shitty day, I could have done about 10 other AIBUs by 11 a.m. !

OP posts:

Xochiquetzal · 22/10/2013 15:55

At least your mum sounds like she misses you, my Mum answers with 'yes, what do you want now?

getdownshep · 22/10/2013 15:58

My mum says this too but she never picks up the phone to ring me.
I just laugh through gritted teeth as she's a champion grudge holder if we row.

Thurlow · 22/10/2013 16:00

My mum will complain if I haven't called regularly. I don't mind calling regularly. I like chatting. But ffs, mother, you could call me!!!

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 22/10/2013 16:11

thurlow yes yes, I ring mine regularly but sometimes for whatever reason I leave it a bit longer than usual and get 'oh I was beginning to wonder what had happened' etc you do have a phone yourself mum!

MrsMook · 22/10/2013 16:19

When I was a student, I rang up after a bit longer than normal and got a very testy "Oh you ARE still alive then". It quelled my desire to ring her- why should I bother to ring when I'll be met with a wall of sarcasm. Between that, various other baggage and the hectic life with two small children, I very rarely ring now. She's got my number. It doesn't have to be a one-way duty.

(When I say baggage, I mean Heathrow on a bad day)

TheNunsOfGavarone · 22/10/2013 16:19

OP, is your mum my stepmum

Crinkle77 · 22/10/2013 16:22

I think it's just a mum thing cos mine does it too. But then again I was guilty of not ringing enough so she had a point. I have mended my ways now though. I think it is best to ignore any comments like that as it's not worth falling out over.

flipchart · 22/10/2013 16:22

My mum says this too but she never picks up the phone to ring me.
I just laugh through gritted teeth as she's a champion grudge holder if we row.

Yep! mine as well!

elah11 · 22/10/2013 16:22

My mum is the same and I just grit my teeth and smile, its less hassle! She lives nearby, well about 5 mins in car away, and if I haven't been over in a few days she says things like 'oh I thought you forgot where we live' or 'we haven't seen you in ages! ' . I really want to say ' mother the road runs both ways' but I know from experience that wouldn't go down well lol.

pippop1 · 22/10/2013 16:24

My Mum thinks it is necessary to speak to me every day and often twice a day so she calls me. Then i hear about so and so's daughter who speaks to her Mum four times a day and isn't that lovely.....

Katnisscupcake · 22/10/2013 16:38

I think your Mum is probably being abitU.

But I know what you mean about phone calls.

I used to call my BF every other night or so as we didn't see each other through the week. Let's call her Jane.

Me: Hi Jane's Dad, is Jane there?

Jane's Dad: Yes

Silence stretching between us...

Eventually...

Me: Well can I speak to her????

Jane's Dad: Oh you didn't say you wanted to speak to her, you asked if she was here!!!

EVERY BLOODY TIME

Eventually (and I must confess it took a little while), I would say (possibly rather abruptly...).

Me: Hi Jane's Dad, I'd like to speak to Jane please.

Don't know why it took me so long to get there though...

thehorridestmumintheworld · 22/10/2013 16:43

If somebody does something a bit bullying to you, you have to stand up to them. They may not like it at the time but if you don't back down when they get upset they will probably stop doing the bullying thing. Its a confidence thing.
I think if your mum was really just joking in a nice way you would have known. Some people do joke around a lot but when its your mum you can tell.

badtime · 22/10/2013 16:44

The whole "can't you take a joke?" thing is nasty. Think about it. If you said something as a joke which upset someone would you:

a) apologise for upsetting the other person, make sure they knew you didn't mean it and feel bad; or
b) get angry and blame them?

People who do this are not joking, they are being passive aggressive.

Mim78 · 22/10/2013 16:49

She is being U.

Maybe when you speak to her you should do something annoying like ask her for a favour every time, then she would be glad if you didn't call!

My Mum used to be a bit like that - not specifically the "joking" but the needing to speak all the time - but I have somehow managed to get her to understand I don't have the time. I have gone on about how I hate speaking on the phone altogether since have a child so this might have helped!

diddl · 22/10/2013 16:55

It's only a joke if it's funny...

Why would someone say it unless to hint that you don't phone enough, or that you're never available when they phone.

3bunnies · 22/10/2013 17:13

My FIL has obviously had a sex change and adopted loads of MNeters! Somehow it doesn't seem to count if he has to phone us. If dh doesn't ring him one day the next day he will say he was so worried that something might have happened to us and we were all dead, as if it is likely that dh would be killed at work at the same time as the children at school and me at home and it didn't appear on the news websites that he checks every hour.

He only has three phones in his house with free landline minutes plus a mobile so I guess he can't really be expected to ring us.

mrsbacchus · 22/10/2013 17:21

My mum does this as well if it been more than a day between calls. Called her from airport one year. Loved being able to day "yes we did, we've been on holiday remember".

Klingyston · 22/10/2013 17:22

I spoke to mine the other day and said I couldn't come up next week - haven't seen them for a few weeks. She said `oh, we don't get angry' which I suppose is good, but I get so cross because they won't even come and help out in half term for 1 morning - apparently they don't like driving early in the day! But they are happy to have my brother and his wife living with them for 4 or 5 weeks. Sorry this is muddled but it clearly hasn't occurred to her I might get angry with them! which I do! also, they gave my brother a car, with instructions that he paid me half of what it was worth. He still hasn't paid all of it and he has sold the car for more than double what he is supposed to give me. grrrrr

frizzcat · 22/10/2013 17:29

I had this with my dm and dsis. I do all the phoning, then if I l left a few days between calls, they'd say things like "oh I thought you were annoyed about something and you weren't talking to me" even though we'd had no cross words at all!

Anyhow I got fed up with this. Why should the onus always be on me? Phones work both ways, (science these dsys eh?) so I didn't phone and so haven't heard from them since early September ..... Obviously in their eyes IABU, but it's been a huge pressure off me and if they're desperate enough to speak to me then they can just pick up the phone....

ILetHimKeep20Quid · 22/10/2013 17:32

My grandmother used to say 'what do you take in your tea again? It's been that long I've forgotten'

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