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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

had an operation and no-one seemed to care

65 replies

Beautifulbabyboy · 22/10/2013 12:49

I will try to be very brief. I had an emergency, and totally out of the blue, operation. The following day I was released from hospital, my parents collected me in a taxi and took me home. Doctors orders were to rest.

Anyway, 20 mins later, my parents promptly left for a european city break. My DH phoned as they were leaving to say he would not come back from where he was working away as he had one more day of the course left (only a wrap up day, so could have easily driven home and then back after the babies were in bed). Then my father in law left to watch the football. There was only my mother in law left (whom i am now permanently indebted and grateful too) who had to look after a recovering patient, and 2 babies under the age of 2. Unsurprisingly i couldn't rest, and having had only 6 hours sleep in 48 hours plus an operation i crashed emotionally. My mother when she phoned from city break said "I am not surprised you crashed"...

If she wasn't surprised, then why didn't my family, the people you are supposed to rely on above everything have a little care plan in place for me when I left hospital??

i crashed hard out of pain and exhaustion. Please tell me expecting my DH and DM to put themselves out is too much.... otherwise i am broken hearted.

In interest of full disclosure - My DM was great after births of both my children, really helped. Also, her and my DF have lots of holidays each year, if this had been their only one, I would never have expected them to cancel.

OP posts:
GobbySadcase · 22/10/2013 12:52

Having been badly disappointed by my own family just recently I can really sympathise.

Just want you to know I've read, I understand and I care x

ercoldesk · 22/10/2013 12:55

Your DMs reaction is disappointing, but I'd have greater issue with your DH to be honest.

Beautifulbabyboy · 22/10/2013 12:56

Thank you. x But what happened Gobby, maybe i can help?

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KitZacJak · 22/10/2013 12:59

Poor you, hope you start to feel better soon. You must be exhausted.

I suppose your husband and parents thought that your mother in law would be enough help. Personally, I too would have expected my husband to come back early. Not sure I would have expected my parents to cancel their break unless I was completely alone.

Try not to dwell on this. I am sure they all care about you.

BlackeyedSusan · 22/10/2013 12:59

dh was the real problem. he should be the one to help. oh and good for mil!

misskatamari · 22/10/2013 12:59

I agree that sounds horrible for you and YANBU to be upset. In terms of your parents tho - maybe they presumed DH would look after you if they weren't told otherwise?

BuzzardBirdBloodBath · 22/10/2013 13:00

I know the bloody feeling Beautiful. The attitude I take is that I don't have to thank anyone for anything.
I hope you are feeling a little better today? Your DH needs a stern word.
Thanks

misspontypine · 22/10/2013 13:01

I would put the blame on your dp, especially for not coming home to take care of his dc.

Did tge hospital know you had no support? I wonder if they keep patients in for longer if they have no help at home.

I hope your feeling better soon Flowers

Beautifulbabyboy · 22/10/2013 13:02

Why erco? This would be good to know as don't want to he broken hearted so would like for once to be told I am being unreasonable!

I have managed to "have a go" at my DH who is now very sorry and says he just didn't think etc. blah blah. but it has taken a while for him to figure out how upsetting it must be to have pretty much everyone walk out on you and your babies.

I guess if the truth be told i am too scared to have a go at my DM as am scared she will twist it into me being ungrateful for all the help she has given me in the past, and this was a one off. She can't be perfect etc. And i guess rationally she is right. She was, as i said in the first post, fantastic after the births of my babies - so i have no right to be hurt that she just left me (and my babies) 14 hours post op? And with a Mother in law who was clearly exhausted, having had sole care of the babies for the 48 hours i had been incapacitated.

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Mim78 · 22/10/2013 13:04

Poor you! Sounds awful. Sounds like it was responsibility of DH to come home rather than parents to cancel their holiday. And what was FIL doing going off to the football rather than helping his wife?

I expect your parents just thought you had people looking after you.

It sometimes amazes me how husbands (including my own) think that parents and parents in law have a responsibility to care for their wives and children before they do. As though they are the last person who as to put themselves out rather than the first.

Ideally it sounds like you should have stayed in hospital. There is too much sending people home to rest rather than keeping them in where they would be guaranteed a rest IMO. If patient is a mother than the hospital should probably keep them in for an extra day just for that reason! If they had to send you home, it would have been a good idea for them to talk through the position with your family to make sure there was a little care plan in place and so everyone knew it was serious.

Anyway, really just wanting to express sympathy rather than rant about hospitals and husbands! Maybe your MIL will give her son a good talking to about looking after you so that all the burden is not on her/you.

Not the same but I had similar experience when dd was new born and really sick - I really needed help so that I could get SOME sleep (I mean even a couple of hours which I needed as was trying to breastfeed her), but DM and DH seemed to be engaged in a competition to get the other one to do it. This frequently ended up with me having no one to help me - one memorable occasion where we had agreed to split a night between the three of us ended up with DH stomping off to bed and DM stomping out of the house after screaming at each other because they couldn't agree on the times of each shift. So I ended up sitting up all night! MIL was the best at just saying "you need help - I will do it", just like in your case.

LoopaDaLoopa · 22/10/2013 13:05

DH is the only one at fault here, but was your MIL not enough?

Beautifulbabyboy · 22/10/2013 13:08

Am feeling much better now. When DH finally got home, I went to bed and slept for 16 hours.... have never done that before!! I am still in bed now and DH is making up for letting me down and keeps bringing me tea, , fruit (topped with chocolate buttons), water and the kiddies to me.

I guess what I wanted to know was throwing myself the pity party in bed still reasonable or not. I think the message I am getting is that they were a bit thoughtless, but it is not the end of the world????

Despite being a grown up, i really wanted my DM to "mother" me and I guess she saw me as independent person who could make decisions, only i couldn't make any decisions as I was all over the place. Also, probably to be fair, she may have thought my MIL had it covered, but 2 children are hard enough to look after , whilst throwing in a patient.

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QuintessentialShadows · 22/10/2013 13:08

Dont blame your parents, they must have assumed your HUSBAND would be looking after you! No reason why your parents should cancel their holiday to look after a married adult whose husband could have looked after his own children.

Your Mil must be so embarrassed at how her son failed you and his children.

Not sure what planet your husband was on, to be honest. Is he always this inconsiderate and selfish?

loveandsmiles · 22/10/2013 13:09

You had your MIL looking after you ~ did you need DM, DF, DH too??

FannyFifer · 22/10/2013 13:10

I wouldn't have expected my parents to cancel a holiday to look after me, it wasn't an emergency situation at that stage.

Your husband should have come home, u had an operation and he wasn't even around, wtf.
Husband is only one I would be pissed off with in this circumstance.

KellyElly · 22/10/2013 13:10

What was the op? No excuse, but if they all considered it fairly minor it may explain their behaviour a little better.

Mim78 · 22/10/2013 13:11

Nice that your husband is looking after you now. I think sometimes they don't get it that they are required NOW and not tomorrow after everything has gone to hell. Maybe his Mum has had a word with him?

Hope you get better soon.

Beautifulbabyboy · 22/10/2013 13:13

Thanks Mim that's a lovely post. TBH I ended back in the hospital (prior to the 16 hour sleepathon) getting antibiotics for an unsurprising post op infection brought on by not looking after myself), and the drs had a go at me, and said we released you to go to bed, not to take care of kids! You are right though, in future mothers especially should have an extra day in hospital to recover!

My MIL did her best but she was a bit lost on how to look after all 3 of us. I also didn't feel like i could get her to run round after me (ie. bring tea and water up to bed), i would have felt more relaxed doing that with DM or DH.

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jester68 · 22/10/2013 13:17

I can understand why you are upset.

But to be fair I feel it was your Husband's responsibility to come home and care for his children/help look after you.

Surely if you parents had cancelled their trip at that time then they would have lost money? And perhaps they thought as your MIL was there (and FIL still at that point?) then you had 2 people who were able to look after the children/you and that your husband would be coming home (as he should have done when you had the operation surely?)

It is hardly their fault that your FIL decided he would go to football and your husband would decide that he would not be coming home.

And I would have INSISTED my partner would be coming back straight away to help look after his own children/wife.

And I know for a fact that if my MIL knew her son had decided to stay an extra day even though it was not critical for him to do so she would have demanded it as well.

I hope you are slowly getting better. But please think carefully why you seem to be blaming your DM so much here x

verytellytubby · 22/10/2013 13:20

It's definitely your DH at fault.

Hope you recover well.

Beautifulbabyboy · 22/10/2013 13:23

That's fabulous Jester thanks.

I guess I was upset with my mother, and i think in the past I have blamed her for not being "perfect". I just wondered if this was a time she should have been perfect, and I was wrong!

You have no idea how much better that makes me feel, rather than yes she was your mother and she let you down!

I love mumsnet!

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Beautifulbabyboy · 22/10/2013 13:24

Can i have it on record, that I went on AIBU, was told I was partly being U, and didn't take offence!!

(the last week has still sucked though - but will stop throwing myself the pity party now!)

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Pobblewhohasnotoes · 22/10/2013 13:26

If I'd had to have an emergency operation DH would have been at my bedside. My mum would drop everything. Sorry, but I see that as how it should be. I would do the same.

I'm so sorry your family haven't been there for you, especially your DH! I'd be so disappointed in him. I hope you're going to speak to him.

jester68 · 22/10/2013 13:26

Ah bless you hun.

I was worried my post sounded harsh but it was not meant to be.

It can be hard sometimes to look at things from all angles, especially when you are in pain and upset.

Just try and rest as much as possible

Beautifulbabyboy · 22/10/2013 13:26

Also, the OP wasn't minor, i tried to get doctor to rearrange it so i could sort child care. He said No, there wasn't time.

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