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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

had an operation and no-one seemed to care

65 replies

Beautifulbabyboy · 22/10/2013 12:49

I will try to be very brief. I had an emergency, and totally out of the blue, operation. The following day I was released from hospital, my parents collected me in a taxi and took me home. Doctors orders were to rest.

Anyway, 20 mins later, my parents promptly left for a european city break. My DH phoned as they were leaving to say he would not come back from where he was working away as he had one more day of the course left (only a wrap up day, so could have easily driven home and then back after the babies were in bed). Then my father in law left to watch the football. There was only my mother in law left (whom i am now permanently indebted and grateful too) who had to look after a recovering patient, and 2 babies under the age of 2. Unsurprisingly i couldn't rest, and having had only 6 hours sleep in 48 hours plus an operation i crashed emotionally. My mother when she phoned from city break said "I am not surprised you crashed"...

If she wasn't surprised, then why didn't my family, the people you are supposed to rely on above everything have a little care plan in place for me when I left hospital??

i crashed hard out of pain and exhaustion. Please tell me expecting my DH and DM to put themselves out is too much.... otherwise i am broken hearted.

In interest of full disclosure - My DM was great after births of both my children, really helped. Also, her and my DF have lots of holidays each year, if this had been their only one, I would never have expected them to cancel.

OP posts:

Original poster

Beautifulbabyboy · 22/10/2013 14:23

Sorry to hear about the PND WillSing. And definitely ask for help second time, it will be tough, but do it!!!!! xx

OP posts:

TwoTearsInABucket · 22/10/2013 14:38

If I had an emergency op I'm pretty sure DH would have dropped everything especially if I was at home recovering rather than in hospital.
I am 36 weeks pregnant and my DM has told me that I can't have the baby 4 days before he is due because she is catering and won't be able to look after our two other DC. I am a bit put out as if he is two weeks late then she will be catering as well. I assumed she would help and she will if she can. But only if she can. Catering isn't even her job!
I feel guilty for assuming but also a bit peeved that she won't drop everything for me! I know exactly what you mean about wanting your mum there to help.

mrsjay · 22/10/2013 14:46

poor you no wonder you crashed it all came out of the blue your mum did collect you though and got you home they didnt need to cancel their holiday thankfully your mil was there for you and your husband was being insensitive and selfish and I know he said he is sorry but I bet it still hurts YANBU i hope you are better soon

hettienne · 22/10/2013 14:52

I think it's fine to be a bit disappointed with your mum.

However, it was definitely your DH's responsibility to look after his wife and his children. It would take me a long time to forgive that - what he did is much worse than what your mum did.

Chippednailvarnish · 22/10/2013 14:58

It's not your DM's fault that your DH wasn't bothered enough to come home.

QuintessentialShadows · 22/10/2013 15:13

I am sorry but I think you fail to understand that your mother is a grown up, but moreover: YOU are a grown up. You are grown up enough to be married, and have children of your own. Your MOTHER is not under any obligation to cancel her holiday to look after you. You have a husband for that.

I am absolutely gobsmacked as to why you expect so little of your husband, and why you are making excuses as to why he could not come home.

What is your marriage like? Is he so absent and unreliable that you have given up asking that he step up? He told you he saw no reason to come home and you just conceded to this? You were more shocked that your mum did not drop everything, instead of expecting that your husband do.

Original poster

Beautifulbabyboy · 22/10/2013 15:32

"It's not your DM's fault that your DH wasn't bothered enough to come home."

So true. Had my DH come home, i probably wouldn't have been as bothered by my DM's absence!

OP posts:

Ruffcat · 22/10/2013 15:33

Your dh is the one who was unreasonable.

I wonder what his expectation of you woul have been if it was him in hospital. Would he have looked after kids with your mum or wanted you to come home

Original poster

Beautifulbabyboy · 22/10/2013 15:36

You are right shadows. I think i fail to see myself as a grown up.... does that happen overnight?? or is this the pivotal event where i grow up?

DH is fab. This is a on off (wonder if that is why it has upset me so much - am actually in shock he behaved like that at all).

What is definitely a common occurance is my general reluctance to ask for help, but then be upset when help is not offered. I think that is why i like my MIL so much, she seems to telepathically know when people need help without them needing to ask.

OP posts:

sunbathe · 22/10/2013 15:47

I am unsure why your mum's getting most of the flak. What about your father? What about your fil?

Hope you feel better soon.

QuintessentialShadows · 22/10/2013 15:50

Maybe this is the Pivotal Moment where you both discover you are grown ups?

Mim78 · 22/10/2013 15:53

It is hard to ask for help I think. It is hard to say, I am not coping with this.

However, I did ask my Dad to go to a music performance my dd had because dh and I were working. So I obviously don't find it too hard! Will get a present for dd to give him to say thank you though. He is the least involved grandparent of the four so I didn't feel that bad asking him (of the other 3, my Mum was working and in laws on holiday) although I agree with everyone on here that grandparents are not obliged to drop everything to help out. He was not doing anything though - if he had said "I can't do it" I would have accepted that. I couldn't have gone because I am away with work and won't get back til 8.

However, this is trivial stuff - dd would have been fine with au pair, I just wanted it to be special for her. If it was really important - medical emergency or similar - dh or I would have cancelled work.

I think it's much harder to ask for help when we really need it than when it's something trivial like I had today because it involves admitting we can't cope with everything. I find it easier with in laws than parents because they will say if they can't do something. My Mum tends to try to do things when she actually can't, and then it all goes wrong. Would prefer to be free to ask and be told no.

Mim78 · 22/10/2013 15:54

Oh yes - forgot about the fil and his football!

AlwaysDancing1234 · 22/10/2013 16:00

Hope you are feeling better now OP, not unreasonable at all to expect your parents and DH to take care of you, it was so thoughtless of them. I experienced a similar thing with in-laws when our DS had to spend Christmas in hospital. Despite living locally they didn't think to bring any presents or food or indeed even just visit the hospital on Xmas day. I've still not totally forgiven them but think it was more thoughtless than deliberate if you see what I mean.

SpottyDottie · 22/10/2013 16:43

I've just seen this thread, Op and feel the same way! Dh though has been great. Kids so and so. Friends = 1.

I think what is bothering me the most is that work has a whip round for colleagues and I've not had so much as a phone call. Mind you, after three previous operations and jack shit should I have expected anything this time???

I hope you are feeling much better soon and your DH gets his bloody finger out!!

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