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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider walking away

32 replies

thesoundoflife · 22/10/2013 11:43

I have been with DP for 11 years. We have been engaged most of that time but never got round to tying the knot. I initially wanted a long engagement as we got together as teens so I was fine with it. The last few years though it has been DP putting things off and I'm getting fed up of it.

I gave birth to our first child a year ago and he's still dithering. He says he wants to marry me and the only reason it hasn't happened is due to lack of funds. Yes we are both in fairly low paid jobs and don't have a huge amount left over after bills etc but I'm quite happy to elope and it be just the three of us there. He agrees when I bring it up then doesn't mention it anymore. He has plans for next year, holidays etc but doesn't bring up getting married unless I do. I'm so upset about it, to the point I feel like telling him to piss off. AIBU?

OP posts:
Mrspebble · 22/10/2013 11:45

Could you set a date.. See how he reacts.. Then you have your answer..

CaptainSweatPants · 22/10/2013 11:47

Why don't you just get on and organise it all
Send out save the date cards
Book the registry office & tell close family it's a small meal afterwards

Original poster
thesoundoflife · 22/10/2013 11:50

Doubt I would actually walk away but is it really too much to ask for him to show a tiny amount of interest?

OP posts:
NotYoMomma · 22/10/2013 11:50

I think I would say fair enough to leave if you didnt have kids but you do Sad

just tell him marriage is a deal breaker and you are going to book x date and see what he says

Crinkle77 · 22/10/2013 11:51

Don't just go and organise it. You don't want to back him in to a corner. I think you need to have an honest dicussion with him about it? Does he really want to get married?

Nanny0gg · 22/10/2013 11:52

Combine a wedding with a holiday and make it really special?

Davsmum · 22/10/2013 11:57

I think he should be prepared to discuss this with you and be honest about how he feels about getting married but also you need to think about why this is so important to you- providing everything else in your relationship is ok.
If he is committed and you are both happy with each other apart from this - is a wedding really necessary? - or at least necessary for the time being? Would you rather be on your own if marriage is not going to happen?
If your DP can plan a holiday but say that you cannot afford a (small) wedding- it does look like he has a problem with getting married.

The only way you can sort this out is an honest chat about how you both feel.

Original poster
thesoundoflife · 22/10/2013 12:00

I wish I had insisted on it before we had DS. Now we have him DP has his heart set on taking him to visit his parents who live abroad next year. I feel a bitch saying we are not going because I want us to get married. They don't have the option to visit us here. But getting married is really important to me.

OP posts:
DevilsRoulette · 22/10/2013 12:01

Get the facts, tell him how much it actually costs, show him and ask him honestly, does he actually want to marry. Because you have the right to know how he truly feels.

Honest communication is vital here, as Davsmum says.

RegTheMonkey · 22/10/2013 12:02

You could have a small registry office wedding and then go off on holiday. If he's worried about cost, no need to be, it can just be the cost of the licence! If it's a commitment thing, then a proper, serious talk is needed.

CaptainSweatPants · 22/10/2013 12:03

Get married where his parents live!

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 22/10/2013 12:08

Don't book a date.

Talk to him about it, properly. Agree with what Davsmum says.

Original poster
thesoundoflife · 22/10/2013 12:16

I have given him so many options and suggestions. The only thing I'm met with is 'ok' or occasionally 'that's nice'. I don't want to feel like I'm forcing him to do it if he doesn't want to. Earlier he was asking about a family member of mine and whether I think he will get married soon to his girlfriend. I told him probably, most people don't wait ten years. Afterwards I was a bit off with him because he didn't mention anything about us getting married and he couldn't work out why I was upset.

I think you're right. A serious chat is in order. Either he wants together married and we set a date, even if it's two years from now. Or we break off the engagement and my ring comes off permanently. I'm fed up of people asking when we're getting married and I have no answer. Not even a frigging year when it will happen.

OP posts:
Davsmum · 22/10/2013 12:16

Getting married is really important to many people but its also important to look at what you have and why getting married matters so much.
Are you feeling insecure? Do you doubt his commitment to you?
Getting married would not really solve that.

As you know, many couples are happy to stay unmarried even though they have children.
I think its far more important to have trust and commitment than a wedding and that is why you deserve to get honest answers from your DP.

Original poster
thesoundoflife · 22/10/2013 12:17

*he wants to get

OP posts:
Dahlen · 22/10/2013 12:20

The wedding is not important to the state of your relationship. Being married - or taking other legal steps - is.

Fact is that if you split tomorrow, without marriage you have few legal rights and protection. Why would any loving partner deny their partner those? If you don't want to get married you can do it in other ways - draw up wills, put the mortgage/deeds/tenancy in joint names, look at ways of safeguarding pension rights, etc. Not doing anything though is not to be recommended unless you are very financially fortunate.

Squitten · 22/10/2013 12:35

Stop tip-toeing around it! Sit him down and tell him tgatyou want this wwedding to happen and how important it is. Tell him that he either needs to get on board and you start organising it tomorrow or he tells you why not.

If you've been engaged this long and already have a child, I really don't see the hold up. Registry office, nice dinner afterwards - you could be married in a few months easily.

Pee or get off the pot!

Squitten · 22/10/2013 12:35

Apologies for shocking typing!

Davsmum · 22/10/2013 12:46

I agree with Squitten because It does seem like neither of you can tell the other what you think or want.
...............................
You said : Afterwards I was a bit off with him because he didn't mention anything about us getting married and he couldn't work out why I was upset.
.................................

Why should he have to work out why you are upset?
He cannot know what you are thinking. There was an opportunity there for you to ask him about your situation seeing as he had asked you about your relative getting married!

I do know men can be hopeless at picking up 'hints' I also know they don't understand why women expect them to 'know' what they want.

I think you are going to have to be clear and say exactly what you mean otherwise it just leads to misunderstandings and disappointments.

girlywhirly · 22/10/2013 12:59

Yes, OP, even if you don't marry you need the finances sorted out legally as squitten says. You need to know that even if he won't commit to you, your child will be provided for, and you will have a home. If he won't even secure these things for you, I would be taking a long hard look at the relationship and make sure he knows that this is the case, because essentially he is wasting your life if you could be meeting someone else who does want to commit to you.

LisaMed · 22/10/2013 13:00

Are the legals in place, as in, should he die would you have the right to bury him? Pension? What about the house? Are wills in place? Do you get on with his family and would they let you have a part of any funeral if you weren't legally entitled?

Marriage really isn't just a piece of paper.

Dahlen · 22/10/2013 13:06

I'm not convinced men are terrible at picking up hints. Some people are, but it's not gender specific. I think some men deliberately pretend to fail to see hints because they know their DW/DP's lack the courage of their convictions to call them on it and instigate a direct discussion.

The moral of that is always have a direct conversation about anything you feel strongly about. The discomfort caused by that is far less than living in a permanent state of uncertainty or insecurity. And if you find out something disappointing, it can be comforting to consider that forewarned is forearmed. Knowing sooner gives you greater options.

LessMissAbs · 22/10/2013 13:08

YANBU. If he's in a fairly low paid job and you are still working after recently having a child, he should be grateful that someone is willing to marry him at all!

I get what you mean about feeling insulted though.

olgaga · 22/10/2013 13:11

This is a slightly uncommon thread on this theme because at least he asked you and you are actually engaged.

I would simply call your local Registry Office, find our how much it costs (it's less than having wills drawn up), get three or four available dates and ask him which date he prefers, and where he'd like to go for a meal afterwards.

You'll soon find out whether he's just apathetic or has changed his mind completely.

ChillySundays · 22/10/2013 13:23

Wedding at Registry Office can be done for under £150. No need to invite anyone but the two witnesses. Even if married you should still have wills especially with children so you can atleast appoint a guardian shoudl anything happen to you both. But at least you wll more rights married than unmarried

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