AIBU?

[Worried3]

In an effort not to drip feed, this may become an essay. Apologies in advance.

My brother and I have a poor relationship, and have done for many years. He caused a lot of strife in the family (he has narcissistic personality disorder and a history of drug/alcohol abuse), and when we were younger this affected me quite badly. We have little in common, and to be honest I don't like him. I don't think he likes me much either.

Examples would include lying, stealing and causing endless worry. When my father was in hospital (admittedly nearly 10 years ago), seriously unwell he refused to visit as he "doesn't like hospital". He was living at home at the time, and didn't lift a finger to help round the house, tricked mum into paying all sorts for him, brought girls home for one night stands (against house rules), and crashed the care while over the limit (then blamed it on dad being ill). Mum and dad have bailed him out to the tune of £10,000's (the last time after his marriage 4 years ago so the could start on a "clean slate"). I know what they do is up to them, and they are as much part of the problem in many ways- but it is mainly driven by my dad. Mum had told me they will not be lending him more money, as they have now agreed this doesn't help him take responsibility and makes things worse.

Anyway, my DD and I have recently moved in with my parents after my soon-to-be-ex H split. I have a new job near to them and am waiting to sort house etc out. It has helped DD settle in to the new changes being near her GPs and living with them has also helped with childcare etc, and DM &DF have said they really enjoys having us around. I pay rent/share of bills etc, and help with cooking/shopping. I also help look after my dad, who has some disabilities as a result of his illness. Mum has also said she has found this has made a big difference. We will move out at some point, when things are more sorted, but right now it suits us all.

Anyway, DB is not happy- he says it's not fair and means DD gets to see more of DM and DF then his DS. Well, this is not new- DD has always seen more of her GPs than DN because I made the effort, even though they lived closer. DBs excuse is he can't drive (but apparently can't get public transport either). He has been asking things like "how much rent do you pay" and generally being arsey- I told him it was none of his business, but if he had a problem with it he should discuss it with DM&DF. He did, and was told it was nothing to do with him. DB and I don't get on, and I don't have much to do with him if I don't have to- we only really meet at family occasions, and I am always polite etc. However, I don't like him, don't trust him and don't want him around my daughter much. I accept that when I'm living in my parents home, they can have whoever they want- so I have always been polite when he visits (which either me or DM have to collect and then take brother, SIL and nephew home again, as they won't get here under their own steam).

My DF is very keen for us to be close, as he would like it to be this way. He cannot understand why I just don't want to. DM does, and agrees that I am under no obligation to be close to brother.

Now, this weekend it was DFs birthday party. DM and I had arranged it all- including getting my grandmother (DFs mum) so she could be there. She was also keen to see DN, as she doesn't see him often (as brother and SIL only visit when either DM or I take them down).

All brother and SIL had to do was to be ready to be picked up. SIL then picks up extra weekend shift, so I am now expected (without warning) to pick her up from work (requiring a detour) after picking my brother and DN. On my way, brother phones to say I will need to go to his PIL house to get car seat as they left it there for convenience- another 15 minute each way detour. When I get to brothers house, he is not ready. He has "forgotten" to get b'day present/card and some other things needed for DN- can we go to tesco on way home (they live 3 streets away)? So yes, I take them. Then go to pick up SIL from work- she wants to take DN into her work to show him off. Although she asks my brother, not me- and I had no idea this was what was happening. I thought she was nipping back up to collect something, Cue a 15 minute wait while this happens- have to send brother in after her. We are now very late for party (need another 35 minutes to get home)- and our grandmother will soon have to leave as she is frail and can't manage being out of the house for too long. She left 15 minutes after we arrived and was disappointed not see more of DN. I also missed spending time with her. Brother then sits and stuffs his face and moans about how unfair it is that I a) earn more than him and b) am living with our parents. Then I had to take him home- but they hadn't been to get shopping- could we go and then use my car to take their shopping home? I said no, cue stoney silence, followed by a moan and accusations that I am taking advantage of my parents, and they are giving me more than him. Then he asks for a loan "as I must be rolling in it".

I am furious- this is just the last straw. I just don't want to see him, ever. I also want DF to understand this- it's not about this event, it's about everything that he has done and continues to do. I will always be polite while he is in their home, at family events etc, and make plans not to be here when he is going to be- but I don't want to have anything further to do with him. AIBU?

Phew, that feels better. Sorry for the rant!

Mum: Yes, L did everything by herself and I said she was great! I'm just saying that R gets annoyed with things and you said he is like that in the mornings.

Me: While we're at this I should add that you didn't put his school shoes on and sent them to morning club with no money! Honestly said you'd help him get changed and let him wear his trainers. I came back from trying to get out the door for work a d found him grey socks and he could have put those on as he wanted those! Turns out he just put white ones and trainers on!

Regarding the screen time, what century do you live in? Kids will ask for it, some parents give it to make life easier in mornings but I personally don't. You are not one of those grandparents that helps out during those times so you wouldn't know how hard it can be when pressed for time in mornings and sometimes the promise of screentime for a limited time after school is a motivator for him to get ready quicker.
You shouldn't interfere even if I did say he could have it. That would be my choice under the circumstances. Is he not even allowed to speak now and ask for something without getting judged by his Nana!??!

On another note. Lily said you told them to go to morning club and didn't take them to playground or classroom door.

They weren't even meant to go to morning club, I said to take R to his classroom and L to the playground for the first bell! Embarrassing that they turned up at it with only one minute left of it (but no money in their hand) when you could have taken them to where I asked. Could do with support when life is so hectic for us instead of saying these things and complaining about Christmas day now too when we were busy in kitchen. You should not have let them open our presents without us. After all the work we went to. That is so mean.
G had to get up at 5am for a special important sales meeting in Galway at 11am.
Because I am also working a full on day and week
, he didn't want to wake us all up, and it was decided he should sleep in R's room. R was out of his bed and in our bed with me because you were in with L so I couldn't sleep in with her. He just wanted me to to have a cuddle and sleepover before he drifted off. He couldn't because he was still waiting on me finishing listening to you talking about some island or something!

Of course he wasn't going to go straight to sleep as he was obs out of his routine.
If you had bothered to think about the circumstances that we were in that night.

You are so harsh and we should have just kept to simple plan of dropping them to my friends house in morning. Honestly, you have upset us both so much by saying those things.

A man screamed abuse at me when I was swimming at David Lloyd. He called me a fxxxxxg bastxxd twice, hopping with rage, all because I spoke to his daughter who was back flipping into me in the pool.
I was trying to swim and the kids were,( being kids) unaware of anyone else.
One of two swim lanes was being used for kids swimming lessons so I had nowhere else to swim. I have sciatica so I was worried this kid would kick me.
I was not aggressive.

The two lifeguards saw this man lose his temper and said nothing. They radioed the duty manager who spoke to the abusive man first, then I told her what happened and she said parents can be 'very protective of their kids'. I asked if she thought that was an appropriate response to an extreme act of aggression.
She was obviously untrained in member conflict so I asked for the general manager to contact me.
He didn't.
I had to leave several messages and talk to another duty manager before he got in touch.
He didn't acknowledge that this members behaviour was unacceptable. He didn't apologise to me that this happened or that the staff didn't respond well.
I requested that the member apologise to me.
He said he'd get back to me, I again had to chase and was dismissed with 'cant force him to' and that's the end of the matter.

I am now being followed by the general manager when I use the pool. He appears when I arrive, he takes the lifeguards high chair and stares at me when I swim.
Yesterday the member was there and he spoke to him, all smiles. They both gave me dirty looks.
AIBU in thinking this is sinister behaviour rooted in misogyny?
What would you do in my situation? I don't want to leave the club it's very convenient.

@aroundtheblock you need to start a new thread. This is a zombie thread on a different subject.

You need to tell your DB and SIL that there are these marvellous new inventions around, they are called baxis , no, that’s not it, maxis, or is it taxis, anyway, you phone them up , they come to your house, you get in and they take you where you want to go. They are bloody marvellous.

Bugger. ZOMBIED!

What do you do when an adult is rude to your child? My DD said a rude word to an adult but their response was to yell back at them, get in a real huff about it then swear at them later etc and be generally awful to them.
I told dd off but honestly was in shock.

Jeez, people, check the dates on threads and start your own rather than adding new issues!