AIBU?

[Worried3]

In an effort not to drip feed, this may become an essay. Apologies in advance.

My brother and I have a poor relationship, and have done for many years. He caused a lot of strife in the family (he has narcissistic personality disorder and a history of drug/alcohol abuse), and when we were younger this affected me quite badly. We have little in common, and to be honest I don't like him. I don't think he likes me much either.

Examples would include lying, stealing and causing endless worry. When my father was in hospital (admittedly nearly 10 years ago), seriously unwell he refused to visit as he "doesn't like hospital". He was living at home at the time, and didn't lift a finger to help round the house, tricked mum into paying all sorts for him, brought girls home for one night stands (against house rules), and crashed the care while over the limit (then blamed it on dad being ill). Mum and dad have bailed him out to the tune of £10,000's (the last time after his marriage 4 years ago so the could start on a "clean slate"). I know what they do is up to them, and they are as much part of the problem in many ways- but it is mainly driven by my dad. Mum had told me they will not be lending him more money, as they have now agreed this doesn't help him take responsibility and makes things worse.

Anyway, my DD and I have recently moved in with my parents after my soon-to-be-ex H split. I have a new job near to them and am waiting to sort house etc out. It has helped DD settle in to the new changes being near her GPs and living with them has also helped with childcare etc, and DM &DF have said they really enjoys having us around. I pay rent/share of bills etc, and help with cooking/shopping. I also help look after my dad, who has some disabilities as a result of his illness. Mum has also said she has found this has made a big difference. We will move out at some point, when things are more sorted, but right now it suits us all.

Anyway, DB is not happy- he says it's not fair and means DD gets to see more of DM and DF then his DS. Well, this is not new- DD has always seen more of her GPs than DN because I made the effort, even though they lived closer. DBs excuse is he can't drive (but apparently can't get public transport either). He has been asking things like "how much rent do you pay" and generally being arsey- I told him it was none of his business, but if he had a problem with it he should discuss it with DM&DF. He did, and was told it was nothing to do with him. DB and I don't get on, and I don't have much to do with him if I don't have to- we only really meet at family occasions, and I am always polite etc. However, I don't like him, don't trust him and don't want him around my daughter much. I accept that when I'm living in my parents home, they can have whoever they want- so I have always been polite when he visits (which either me or DM have to collect and then take brother, SIL and nephew home again, as they won't get here under their own steam).

My DF is very keen for us to be close, as he would like it to be this way. He cannot understand why I just don't want to. DM does, and agrees that I am under no obligation to be close to brother.

Now, this weekend it was DFs birthday party. DM and I had arranged it all- including getting my grandmother (DFs mum) so she could be there. She was also keen to see DN, as she doesn't see him often (as brother and SIL only visit when either DM or I take them down).

All brother and SIL had to do was to be ready to be picked up. SIL then picks up extra weekend shift, so I am now expected (without warning) to pick her up from work (requiring a detour) after picking my brother and DN. On my way, brother phones to say I will need to go to his PIL house to get car seat as they left it there for convenience- another 15 minute each way detour. When I get to brothers house, he is not ready. He has "forgotten" to get b'day present/card and some other things needed for DN- can we go to tesco on way home (they live 3 streets away)? So yes, I take them. Then go to pick up SIL from work- she wants to take DN into her work to show him off. Although she asks my brother, not me- and I had no idea this was what was happening. I thought she was nipping back up to collect something, Cue a 15 minute wait while this happens- have to send brother in after her. We are now very late for party (need another 35 minutes to get home)- and our grandmother will soon have to leave as she is frail and can't manage being out of the house for too long. She left 15 minutes after we arrived and was disappointed not see more of DN. I also missed spending time with her. Brother then sits and stuffs his face and moans about how unfair it is that I a) earn more than him and b) am living with our parents. Then I had to take him home- but they hadn't been to get shopping- could we go and then use my car to take their shopping home? I said no, cue stoney silence, followed by a moan and accusations that I am taking advantage of my parents, and they are giving me more than him. Then he asks for a loan "as I must be rolling in it".

I am furious- this is just the last straw. I just don't want to see him, ever. I also want DF to understand this- it's not about this event, it's about everything that he has done and continues to do. I will always be polite while he is in their home, at family events etc, and make plans not to be here when he is going to be- but I don't want to have anything further to do with him. AIBU?

Phew, that feels better. Sorry for the rant!

Heck, no, YANBU!!!

YANBU. But your father is not BU either, when he wishes his children would get on and have a good relationship with each other. OK so this is not going to happen, but I don't think you will ever manage to convince your Dad of that. Just do your best not to bad mouth/rant about your bro where your Dad can hear you, and ignore your brother as much as you can.
It's not forever after all, and if it makes your Dad happy to think you're getting on ok, then that's a good thing.
I will always be polite while he is in their home, at family events etc, and make plans not to be here when he is going to be- Do this, and if you are slick your Dad may never even realise.

Definitely not being unreasonable. What a creep.

Don't get hung up on trying to get your DF to understand and agree, it's his opinion and he's entitled to it, but you don't have to agree with him or get him to change his mind.

Your brother sounds a total wanker, nobody wants to have any contact with someone who's so entitled, jealous and immature.

It's great your mum understands though, but try not to drive a wedge between her and your DF over it.

Ignore your brother and just get on with living your life

YANBU but keep your ranting for mumsnet - we don't mind! I get the feeling that it would just upset your DPs to hear it.

Yes, you are probably right- DF is not unreasonable to wish his children got on (I envy friends who have good relationships with their siblings), but I think he is unreasonable to keep trying to force the issue when I have explained how I feel. It's not just a case of wishing it were different, he actually gets upset when I take DD out for the day if I know DB is going to be visiting, or when I am less than enthusiastic if I know I'm going to see him.

There is a lot of background issues between my brother and I, dating back to things that happened because of him/were done by him, that DF tends to skirt around and pretend don't matter because they were a long time ago. I would say though, that if these things had been done by someone else, DF would be advising me to have nothing more to do with them. Which is just hypocritical.

I suppose the historical problems might not matter so much if my brother had changed, but he hasn't. As he has been diagnosed with a personality disorder, it is pretty certain he won't change either, so his on-going behaviour is just an extension of the last 18 years. Admittedly his behaviour is not as awful on most counts as it was- he is no longer violent or threatening violence, for instance.

I know mum has had enough really- she finds his behaviour very upsetting, and has actually told me she only has as much contact as she does to keep DF happy.

I am concerned about her as she has enough on her plate (she works FT and does a lot for DF due to his mobility problems) without running round after my brother. Which is why I end up doing the collecting/returning bit too, as I think she needs to rest at weekends (she refuses to take early retirement as she says she needs to work as staying at home all day with DF would drive her mad not for financial reasons).

Fucking hell! Do you think your DB and my DSis have been separated at birth? I feel for you, i really do. My "D"Sis thinks our DF bankrolls me and DS because we have an "inappropriate" relationship. WTF is that supposed to mean when its at home? I went NC with my DS after that comment 3 Years ago and i know she is still seething somewhere about how unfair her life is.

I have to state that after driving drunk into a petrol station and writing off the car that DF bought for her my "d"m bought her a brand new car because the situation was "embarrassing" for her. No fucker has ever bought me a car

I know its early but for you. I feel your pain.

Aibu? My husband was afffronted when I asked if he could take son to school tomorrow and said he earns 3 times more than me so what is it that I actually do? I take him to school 4-5times a week and also work and don’t sleep well. If I take him husband will lie in bed and won’t get up till 10....

I'm sure your dad would love you to be closer...

But in order for that to happen your brother to behave in a decent, civil, respectful way... And he doesn't...

So essentially your father is saying that you should continually tolerate this level of abusive behavior... And reinforce it... As nothing says... Please carry on abusing me that people enabling them...

@IamtheDevilsAvocado
This thread is 9 years old.

@aln48. You've posted your AIBU on the end of an old thread so you might want to create a new post if you haven't already done so, so it will get more views.

And your husband sounds like a selfish, entitled arse.

To expect my ex DP with whom I share care of our 2 DS's to tell me that he got married? We do not have a good relationship and speak as little as possible but this seems to me to be relevant information.

Oops, thank you Beggarsmeddle 😄

I understand your frustration, but I think at the heart of this is clear sibling rivalry and that is almost always because of family dynamics and how one or both parents treat their children. I would suspect your father and maybe even your mother have been saying things to your brother that are contributing to his idea that you are taking advantage so perhaps look into that . Good luck x

Oh wow yes it is x

I don’t think you’re being U about the general relationship but when all of this extra shift at work stuff came along I don’t get why you didn’t just say they’d have to sort their own travel arrangements and leave them to it? Even in an area where there is no public transport why didn’t they just get a taxi together? It sounds as though you might have predicted this would happen, and I have started (as I got older) just not putting myself in situations which I know are likely to go pear shaped. I would have just replied, “oh dear now that x is working obviously it’s going to be impossible for me to give her a lift as it’s x minutes away and the party starts at x, plus me and DD want to spend as much time with grandma” and if questioned/ whinged at “yes it’s difficult now that she’s taken work isn’t it”. “Hmm yes I don’t really know what to suggest” and if pushed “sorry that just isn’t going to work, you’re both adults you’ll have to make your own arrangements.” Sounds like he is never going to change but you stand a better chance of not having a major bust up if you establish some boundaries and stick to them- the first being no lifts!

Zombie thread

My bus ride today.
When my stop was announced, I pressed the blue button and saw the bus stopping sign light up.
At the bus stop, the driver asked me if I wanted to get off. I said yes, that's why I used the blue button.
He then asked me if I needed the ramp, so I told him that when anyone presses the blue button, it means that he needs to deploy the ramp.
He put the ramp out, but it lay short of the road, and below the level of the pavement.
I told him that I couldn't get off with it like that because I couldn't
climb up the pavement. The bus lane was dead straight approaching the bus stop.
He then said he would drop me at the next bus stop, but I refused. A passenger got off and waved him back until the bus was close enough to deploy the ramp properly. I thanked the driver and drove off the bus.

🧟‍♂️ 🧟‍♀️ 🧟‍♂️ 🧟‍♀️ 🧟‍♀️ 🧟‍♂️ 🧟‍♀️ 🧟‍♂️ 🧟‍♀️ 🧟‍♂️ 🧟‍♀️ 🧟‍♂️

To think my DP's ex wife with whom he had a very acrimonious divorce should not have invited my DP's family from the US to stay with her when they next visit London. She has never met them but joined in on a video message his adult children made to send wedding wishes to their cousin. I am furious. She made his life hell for 20 yrs and took all his money . The US relatives have a vague understanding of what happened but I just don't know what I would do if they take her up on her offer. As he was left with nothing we have a very modest small home while she has a £600K house in Surrey and seems to hijack every event with no shame.
Now she is trying to muscle in playing the fab hostess with his family. His 3 adult children will be coming to stay after Christmas, because obviously the ex gets first pick of Christmas EVERY year, and I don't know how I can keep my feelings in AGAIN and keep the peace. I feel like I am always having to hold my tongue so as not to cause any upset.

AIBU to tell my mum I won't ask her to stay overnight and help get kids ready to take to school in morning if it's an emergency again?
My DH and I both work full time and have a DD and DS just turned 8 and nearly 7 , respectively. I am a teacher and have to leave very early in morning before their morning club at their school even opens. Normally my DH takes them but he had to be away at 5am and I would have been stuck. My friend said she could take them to school with her daughter being in same class as my son. I was going to go with this option as when mum was asked first, she said she couldn't as she would have to travel 30mile round trip and then work in her Friday morning volunteer shift in a charity shop. Also , I have to say she has 'helped' once or twice in the past but always ends up criticising something to do with our parenting if things don't go perfectly.
Anyway, she later offered to stay the night and help. I cancelled with my friend and agreed for her to come up, thinking it was better for my kids to have her take them to school.
They were just going to bed around 8.30pm and my son was having to sleep in our bed due to my husband having to get up at 5am for a very out of the ordinary sales meeting at the other end of the county. He decided to sleep in there so as not to wake us all up. My mum was in with my daughter. The kids were a bit out of routine because of all this.
All their clothes were laid out for them and she said she would help them. I gave them breakfast, got son's socks , did his top button and was really cutting it fine for leaving on time. She was supposed to just help us out that morning.
That's the background. So I have just received these messages from her and I am so cross. Are my responses to her (green) unreasonable?

Me : all ok this morning?
DM: Yes, L was great! R messed about a bit but I was very strict!!!! He will probably complain. Left my makeup bag in bathroom. Please keep it for me. N, you should not have to put up with any hassle in the mornings! Make sure all their uniforms , including socks are laid out. No problem. Can I suggest that they go to bed much earlier? Look up suggested bedtimes for 7 and 8 year olds. They need their sleep and I think that is R's problem. He is just so annoyed with things. And much less screen time but I think you already know that.. He asked you first thing this morning, and on Christmas Day, after opening all his presents he wanted screen time??? I've said enough but I'm trying to help. Please cut out the screen time. Love mum.x

I think you being there made them more excited and kept L excited and chatty which stops R getting over. Next time , I'll avoid all that and just drop them down to my friends house in the morning so it doesn't upset their evening again.
Also their clothes were both laid out for them!!!!

Mum: Hope you're not rowing about this! R was in a huff about his socks and insisted he had to have school socks until you came along and told him otherwise.

That's unreal that you wrote all that. L knows where her uniform is. You can help out with laundry and all the other jobs we do. Very sad you've critisised our parenting and commenting on kids merely asking for screentime which they weren't even given.