To be hopping mad at DS's school report (SEN related). WWYD?

[Squiffyagain]

DS is severely dyspraxic (bottom 1% on appx 1/4 of the markers) and moderate/severely dyslexic (bottom 5% on two of the main markers, less extreme on the rest). He is 9 and came home with a school report that has 16 separate comments on it. 9 of these comments criticise my son for displaying symptoms in line with is disabilities (not getting things down on paper quickly enough, untidy writing, being disorganised, being clumsy in PE, etc, etc).

It's not that I could cry. I did cry. He has a full, detailed and accurate Plan in place at school (allegedly), and we spend hours trying to build up his self-esteem and telling him that his disabilities do not and never should define the person he is. The schools head of SEN is superb and the school have (previously) bent over backwards to tell me they can deal with kids like my son (it helps that he is very clever and very likeable as well).

Now this. Not only are the school defining him in exactly the way we've tried to avoid, but they are allowing it to be a barrier to his education. What has been the worst part though was my DS shrugging his shoulders and saying "well, I am a bit rubbish, Mum, and its all true, every word". There's not a single positive comment in the report, not a single acknowledgement of his disabilities and how they are managing them, nadda. And this from a class of 15 children with two full time qualified form teachers (indie).

I'm close to tearing new backsides for the teachers who wrote this and the head, but am not sure if my anger is justified or if I'm simply being too protective and tigerish. So, ladies of MN, AIBU, and WWYD?

I will also post this in SEN board, but posted here because i specifically wanted to hear views of people without direct parental experience of SEN (esp. teachers who manage these IEPs). Am I OTT in thinking this report really is Not effing On? Is the school failing my son, or do I need to start getting used to this stuff and just develop a tougher hind myself?

Slightly Off topic, but do parent generally tell there children about school reports.

Back to the thread, the teacher should have written something positive.

DS is normally to do with him being polite and a well liked member of the class or tried hard to work towards his targets ect. It's a bit mean to destroy a child self esteem like this. He may start to think what is the point of school as I am not good enough.

YANBU. Also you argue your case perfectly, and I am cross in your behalf.
If the school is independent, then the reporting mechanism is not the only issue. Why does he think he is " a bit rubbish"?

It sounds as if they are either ignorant of his conditions or dismissive of them. Neither of which is in the least constructive.
think the idea of setting smart goals with the school, and asking them to comment on progress within those goals might help.

Sounds like a bit of a long, lonely battle Vicar :( but how inspirational to know he's out the other end. School just doesn't suit everyone.

Thank you all for being so understanding. I will set a meeting and try to discuss calmly.

To address a Couple of questions - why does he know what's written? That's because he sees the report before I get it and puts his own written comments on them (listing what he plans to work on next, that kind of thing).

Of the other comments, 6 were neutral (squiffyjnr is learning how to relate x to y and next half term he will be doing z), and one was positive (squiffyjnr is very popular amongst his peers).

Context was 1 sentence per subject area x 16 subject areas (stuff like English split between comprehension, expression and presentation so 3x comments for that one subject)

Thx especially to Vicar and all those who've trod the path - it's very difficult not to take it personally when these things happen, so it is like a balm to hear people say that its not just squiffyjnr, it is 'the system'. I just wish DS and I could spend the holidays chilling, rather than my now spending the week peddling through the whole self esteem thing. Yet again.

YANBU I also have a son with learning difficulties ADHD -predominately inattention and have spent far too many parents evenings listening to teachers basically list all the symptoms of this condition - inability to focus, disorganisation, too little written work etc. I have actually said to more than one of them "well thank you for describing the symptoms of ADD so how is my son doing?" I totally agree with the point made by sockreturningpixie and have even argued something similar at the last meeting if he was blind would you have spent the last 5mins telling me that he seems to have trouble seeing things? I can't say it has had any great impact, we have changed schools once already. I suspect this is depressingly common so perhaps rage is the way to go. Best of luck ripping arses

There is a book called something like "so you think you know about ADHD" written by a young person aimed at teachers

Its sold here www.addiss.co.uk/

May be helpful

Why on earth wouldn't you talk about a school report with the child concerned?

it is hugely difficult not to take it personally - i embarrassed myself so very often i cant tell you - sometimes my sadness or absolute fury got the better of me!

but really - now i look back - i wish i had just chilled out a bit. so much of what happened went over DS head - but not mine - and i would wade in and fight the good fight no matter what....

and now DS remembers nothing of school. nothing. ok it wasnt great, but he got good grades, he got what he wanted out of it, and so often it was ME that was hurt on his behalf.....i wasted so much energy, i worried so much about his self esteem, yes school could have been better for him - but its not stayed with him. it doesnt effect him now. i think many kids with AS/dyspraxia/dyslexia are incredibly stoic - tomorrow is another day for them.
and it is.
school means absolutely nothing to DS now.
he doesnt remember the bad - or the good. he lives in the now. and in the now he has all sorts of other stuff to worry about (he is a worrier and a witterer....)
i wish i had known things would all turn out ok when he was younger....i could have saved myself some proper anguish. i used to cry so much. every little thing killed me, and now - if i ask DH does he remember so and so when so and so happened and i had to go in to school and .......

nope. he doesnt recall a thing.

my advice? try to relax. deep breaths. say what needs to be said. yes try and change attitudes (you wont - but i think as a mum you have to try)

i went above and beyond. i took experts in autism in. i bought reading material. i consulted experts in the educational field. i tried to make them understand.
they wont. they never will get it unless they have a child with SEN.
so, stand up for your boy, do what you need to do, but please dont grind yourself in the ground - i did - and it means nothing 5 years after they left school.....

Why on earth wouldn't you talk about a school report with the child concerned?

I don't know TBH, it's not something I have thought about doing. It takes me ages to read DS report as it's emotionally difficult for me.

He sees the report before you do?

That's madness! At secondary, maybe, but at primary you need to see it first, so if there is a problem, you can prepare how you want to put it to them and what you need to say.

Our children also can comment on their report/their school year. But reports are for parents to read first.

Its been going on for years nanny0gg

They read them and put in there comments about it then they come home.

Obviously not all schools do this but loads do

I think the only positive you maybe could take out of it is that his difficulties are very well documented and that when it comes to exam time in secondary school, he will presumably get every bit if help he's entitled to.

My eldest has mild dyspraxia and never got any extra help till 4th year exams (Scottish system) then he got a laptop for his terrible handwriting, and extra time in one exam. Passed all eight at A grade. That would never have happened if his difficulties weren't documented.

You are totally right to tell your son that Dyspraxia does not define him. I try to be pleasant but firm with my school - I have children with other difficulties too - I've come to realise I have to have a long term relationship with these teachers and I want them on my side

That is terrible and unacceptable, however it really doesn't surprise me that this is an independent school.

In an odd kind of way we are quite lucky, Roses, because DS' issues are significant enough for him to be registered disabled and that means loads of exam assistance, etc.

And we are also lucky that we do have choices. I can't even begin to imagine how I'd cope in a region with oversubscribed schools where I was stuck in a specific school. At least I can tell current school to go play in the traffic if necc. Not that it's quite as simple as that (never is) because I have other children to drop into the equation...

Hopefully one very considered meeting might be enough to get them back on the right path, but am not sure i can ever trust them again with my DS' self-esteem. And i will never forgive them for that.

My children are also at an Independent school. I think the school has done well in supporting all of them with very different difficulties.

I completely understand that for your child's self esteem, and I think you are right to pull them up on that. When I was despairing of my DS, the teachers pointed out what a brilliant sense of humour he has and what a nice person he is
Primary school was a lot more painful for us. Secondary has been better. He's proven to have strengths in science- which requires less writing! He's also built better friendships over time

As a parent of UNI age kids I would totally agree with Vicars excellent posts. Do what you have to do but don't worry too much. Your DS is very likable and very clever! . That's a brill start.

well, I don't have any kids with SEN, but I think that report is rubbish.

I really like the comment up thread that said would the report say ds can't walk if he was a wheelchair user?

IMHO a report should be connected to targets. So if target was aiming to make writing more legible, it should comment on how he is doing compared with when the target was put into place.

And there should be comments about progress and achievements.

On the other hand (I am hesitant to say this) but I do sometimes think that overly positive reports sometimes give parents a false sense of security, so it says Little Johnny has worked really hard on his reading, and parent thinks - great, he is a good reader, when actually Johnny is struggling, (but works hard.) so parents don't realise how Johnny actually doing compared to the average, and that he might need more help/support etc.

Can I ask what previous reports were like? The reason I ask is we had one year of awful, utterly awful reports - when DS's main teacher took a dislike to him. Every single comment was negative - and I found other teachers who saw him less just sort of followed the general tone in their comments. Even now I can feel my blood pressure rising when I think about it. However reports from the years before and since have been fine.

During the "year of hell" as that period is known in our house I would be in the school time after time, to listen to my son be ripped to shreds and to fight his corner. A bit like Vicar in hindsight it was a lot of energy wasted and DS really remembers very little of it - and it was only 2 years ago.

So I do think you should address it with the school but if previous reports have been fine - or the school ahs previously been fine - you may wish to handle it differently - why has the tone changed? does his teacher this year need more support/education on your DS challenges? Frankly does the teacher just need better communication skills!

Previous reports have always been amazing. But they have been so good that i have sometimes wondered if they reflect the fact that he is such an adorable chap that his teachers have been maybe a bit too subjective when assessing him (in a positive way) - he is a gentle giant who stands up for other kids, always gets totally absorbed in the stuff he's taught, and wanders round laughing all day, and who is so genuinely sorry when it is pointed out that his shoelaces are undone and or his knees are covered in mud. If you can imagine the 'extreme' of boyish behaviour (but never ever naughty) then that's him. The only thing that has ever caused an issue at school has been the lack of self-esteem that has come from his dyslexia.

All of this is probably why I'm a bit reluctant to raise too much of a fuss because having him criticised is a whole new ball game for me, and I do wonder if my PFB attitude towards him might be clouding that he may in fact need some of these harsh lessons to 'build him up' or something. Perhaps it is just the teachers this year, or perhaps as he goes through the school the separation between the child he is and the child they expect him to be just grows and grows - I will need to speak to the head of AEN and the head to try to determine which it is. I hope it's not the latter because up until this year the support structure at the school had seemed to be good. But maybe it is easy to work with SEN kids when you are at the lower end of the school and not thinking of common entrance subjects and the like. I guess at some point both my son and I will have to get our heads round the fact that he will fail as he gets shoe-horned into the demands of the school curriculum the older he gets. We've talked at length about how his dyslexia holds him back now, but actually opens up opportunities in the future because of the way his brain works, but I probably didn't appreciate just how rocky the road might be.

The mother of three NT children here.

I would go bat shit if I were you.

Yes, what they wrote is factually correct but that's like sending home a report saying Little Johnny wouldn't run in the relay today when Little Johnny has a broken leg!

I don't like this idea of him having to write what he intends to improve on either. What's he supposed to say? "I will try not to have special needs from now on".

Totally unacceptable!

I have severe dyspraxia too. Can't really comment on the school stuff as I was at school in the 1990's when it was even worse but just wanted to send you an unmumsnetty hug

Send an e-mail

Please could you supply me with a school report?
The one you have supplied must be a mistake or a sick joke as it demonstrates 9 separate incidents of direct disability discrimination and also contravene SENDA and the Equalities Act.

No kids here, but just want to say that anything that causes a child to say things like he did, about himself, is completely wrong. He sounds like a really nice, good kid. Some very good advice on here. Once you have had a chance to recover, I would suggest meeting with the school.

I would suggest to them, that they need to be able to show you how they propose to fulfil their part, in relation to his education. Simply describing back to you, things of which you are well aware, is worse than useless, in my opinion. I liked the response used by the poster, up thread, in relation to her child, in a similar situation.
Best of luck, OP,

I would definitely raise it and even take in the last report as contrast. In hindsight I was too emotional upset at the bad reports and fought our corner - probably a better way would have been to say Ok so how did we get from there to here? And to also have a discussion with the Head of SEN to see if this is just a difference of style or a change in the older classes. And perhaps what they recommend as a plan to prepare him for secondary - assuming that this will take longer than it will for others in his class. Make sure they know you find the tone and comments unacceptable but also look to continue working with the school and get positive actions out of any discussion.

As for your DS well I'm dyslexic - and yes I remember some tough times in school and the self doubts but you know what I grew up, I'm successful (I use my mouth more than write ) and my life has turned out well. It can be a limitation but if can also be something that forces you to look for other skills and push yourself further/differently. Loads of luck to your DS - hope he has a great holiday

Not sure if I've thanked you all, by the way. You've all be so kind and I am taking on board all of your comments.