Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this worth losing a friendship over?

58 replies

Jojomiro · 21/10/2013 21:41

Have namechanged for this...

Have DS (3.5) who will start school next September. Have a strong group of friends with similar ages children, so applying for primary schools has been regular conversation topic recently.

Found out one of the mum's is renting a place on the street of the school she wants her DS to go to (school A, which is 'outstanding'), but not actually moving. We live closer to school A than they do, but have little or no chance of getting DS in as it's still too far (we are 0.5miles, they are 0.8miles).

Since I found this out, friend has massively gone down in my esteem, and actually not sure I like her anymore. It even crossed my mind to report her, but I won't do that. Is this a massive overraction?

Like I said, I don't feel her DS will be 'stealing' a place from mine as we wont get in anyway, but I am quite upset/angry about this and think it's basically a really nasty thing to do. AIBU?

OP posts:
NotYoMomma · 21/10/2013 21:43

if I had the money I would do it

but then I believe in fuck all but dd is Catholic for this very reason.

can't afford private or to moveand no grammars where we live so I do what I can to help my children in any way

sorry OP.

junkfoodaddict · 21/10/2013 21:45

Parents will go to all lengths to ensure their child is looked after. I don't think she is doing anything I woud consider wrong in terms of what's best for her child.
Having said that, what she is doing is wrong, doesn't follow the rules and if her son found out when he ws older what he did, is teaching him that it is okay to lie.
I wouldn't 'unfriend' her. It sounds like you are all battling it out to get the limited school places there are. Phone the school and ask about your chances of a place. They might be sympathetic and welcoming to a chat about present pupils chances according to where they live. IF the child got a place and your child didn't, then yes, I would be complaining but make sure you have evidence to back up your claim.

QuintessentialShadows · 21/10/2013 21:48

She will need to prove it is her primary address, regards to council tax, etc. Good luck to her.

Daisypod · 21/10/2013 21:49

Most schools around here have various ways of finding out if people are really living in the house they put down and a lot of people get caught out in their lie. Will she be switching over her council tax to the other house as they do check these?

Original poster
Jojomiro · 21/10/2013 21:53

I don't know the details but I'm pretty sure she is doing it properly, just not hasn't actually moved (lives in house she owns). I wouldn't wish for her to be caught out particularly, I just think it's antisocial and immoral, completely different to actually moving to be near a school.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jojomiro · 21/10/2013 21:55

Also I am a parent and will go to great lenghts to do what's best for my child as well, as would most parents, but lying and cheating and depriving another child who is more entitled?

OP posts:
29chapel · 21/10/2013 21:56

^ This: she won't get away with it unless they can prove they are residents in their rental property. I wouldn't want to lose a friend over this - her moral compass may be skewed in your opinion in this instance but if, on balance, you are good friends then i would try to put it to the back of your mind.

NotYoMomma · 21/10/2013 21:56

its not really antisocial? I associate the word antisocial with blaring music and throwing bricks through Windows, intimidation to get what you want.

as far as I can see this isnt going to affect you in anyway?

she just has the money and means to try and get the best education for her child.

29chapel · 21/10/2013 21:57

I was referencing the comment by Quintessential

Mim78 · 21/10/2013 21:57

I think she does have to move there, even for a very short time for it to count. This might not work for her. If she does move their and lives there for the relevant date then it's within the rules I think.

My mil also feels this is terrible as she has told me she disapproved of a friend's grown up child doing it. However she was happy to send her children private and has no issues with church schools and with people upping their church attendance to get in. I don't really see the difference between these things.

I do admire a friend of mine who sent her dd to closest school even when might have been able to find a more "middle class" one, on the basis that things would never get better if all the involved parents deserted certain school.

However i think it is human nature to want to help one's kids if possible. All these things - moving house, suddenly attending church, going private - come from that basic instinct. Would be great if all schools were of a standard that parents were happy to go with the nearest. That is how it should be and what we need to work towards.

In the meantime there will be lots of others like your friend I expect.

AlexaChelsea · 21/10/2013 22:00

I don't understand. You live closer than the friends rented house, so why will she get a place and not you?

Original poster
Jojomiro · 21/10/2013 22:01

No we live closer than the friends actual house!

OP posts:
WhoNickedMyName · 21/10/2013 22:01

If its affected you that badly that she has gone down in your estimation and you don't know if you even like her any more, then probably best to end the friendship. You weren't that great friends in the first place and your 'morals' and values are obviously poles apart.

Original poster
Jojomiro · 21/10/2013 22:02

I thought we were good friends but maybe you're right

OP posts:
spritesoright · 21/10/2013 22:12

Notyomamma of course it's antisocial! Hasn't it occurred to you that clambering to get your kid ahead means pushing back someone else's child who decided to take the moral high ground?
Sorry but this kind of behaviour is way worse than loudly blaring music.

AlexaChelsea · 21/10/2013 22:23

I see.

I'm not sure I understand the issue, tbh. She is getting her DS into the school you both want. If another child lived closer and got in, you wouldn't mind that? But because she's renting an address, essentially, it bothers you?

Will your DS definitely not get in? Surely you don't know that for sure. Maybe they both will, and can be in a class together?

HotDogWater · 21/10/2013 22:25

YABU

movingaway · 21/10/2013 22:33

Well it is immoral because although it probanly won't affect the OP directly, it still means that another child whose parents probably think they have a half decent chance of getting into the school will miss out on a place because of it.

We live in an area where this kind of thing does happen and it really annoys me (mainly because the school they are all trying to avoid is actually fab!). If it was me I wouldn't report it, but if the topic came up I would make my feelings known. If she is a good friend the friendship will still survive- you don't have to agree on everything all the time.

Original poster
Jojomiro · 21/10/2013 22:33

Alexa, you're right, it's not about the behavior affecting me personally, it's just I didn't think a friend of mine would do something like that.
My DS definitely wont get in, the catchment is tiny.
Of course I dont have a problem with a child actually living closer getting in, it's the pretending to live closer that is bothering me.
But seemingly everyone except sprite thinks it's ok to do this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jojomiro · 21/10/2013 22:34

And movingaway, thank you

OP posts:
Vertana · 22/10/2013 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

friday16 · 22/10/2013 15:02

I can't stand this 'you do what you have to for your child' crap

Quite. Mercifully, both primary and secondary admission are long in my past, and University application isn't quite such a "if their child doesn't get in, perhaps mine will" zero-sum game. But I had a horrible feeling that, during secondary admission in particularly, had someone mentioned that mounting the pavement and mowing down a line of Y6 kids on their way into school would free up places in the nearby secondary, there would have been a general reaching for the car keys. People go absolutely mad during school admission rounds, and the "I'll do whatever's right for my children", although understandable, does leave people somewhat morally rudderless.

NotYoMomma · 22/10/2013 16:39

the moral high ground gets you no where. I'm not a martyr, I work damn hard for little money and little oppourtunity where we are. As it is I cant afford to do this or go private and there are no grammar schools here so it's irrelevant anyway.

I would rest but I would move in legitimately for a good few months to make it above board because I am not an idiot.

I suppose ot also depends on the school. my two local schools have pass rates of around 70% and are rated good (or they were) - the Catholic school is 92% pass rate.

I dont see why people wouldn't do it if they could tbh.

WilsonFrickett · 22/10/2013 16:44

People go absolutely mad during school admission rounds

^^ This. We went a bit mad too, tried to move house and all sorts Blush turned out our (rough) catchment school was amazing. Lesson learned. So in terms of the OP, I think it's up to you how you react to it, how much of a deal breaker is it for you? Once the madness passes you may feel differently - as may she. Or it may be a permanent infection...

Either way, I doubt she'll get away with it and even if she does, karma is a wonderful thing.

KatoPotato · 22/10/2013 16:45

I don't understand why she's renting a house that's still outside of the catchment area?