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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this worth losing a friendship over?

58 replies

Jojomiro · 21/10/2013 21:41

Have namechanged for this...

Have DS (3.5) who will start school next September. Have a strong group of friends with similar ages children, so applying for primary schools has been regular conversation topic recently.

Found out one of the mum's is renting a place on the street of the school she wants her DS to go to (school A, which is 'outstanding'), but not actually moving. We live closer to school A than they do, but have little or no chance of getting DS in as it's still too far (we are 0.5miles, they are 0.8miles).

Since I found this out, friend has massively gone down in my esteem, and actually not sure I like her anymore. It even crossed my mind to report her, but I won't do that. Is this a massive overraction?

Like I said, I don't feel her DS will be 'stealing' a place from mine as we wont get in anyway, but I am quite upset/angry about this and think it's basically a really nasty thing to do. AIBU?

OP posts:
FreckledLeopard · 22/10/2013 16:46

I guess it depends on what the Admissions Rules are. If she is merely renting the house but has no intention of living there, and the Admissions Rules state that she must be living there, then fair enough, she shouldn't get a place. If the rules are silent though, or open to interpretation, then fair enough. Surely it's up to the Local Authority to set the rules and enforce them. If the rules can be played, then so be it.

stowsettler · 22/10/2013 16:47

I agree with you too OP. I would like to think that I will do my best for DD, but that I wouldn't trample over the rights of others to do this. Because I find that reprehensible and I like to practice what I preach.

KatoPotato · 22/10/2013 16:48

Ignore me! sorry!

Noideaatall · 22/10/2013 16:55

this happened to us as well. The child who got in lives several miles away. I found out later in the year - after the parent of the child had written a letter for us in support of our appeal to the school for a place ! DS ended up going to a school an hour's journey away. And the other kid travels around the same time to get to our first choice school. seems crazy.

Noideaatall · 22/10/2013 16:57

although I agree with Wilson, DS is probably at a better school now.

frumpypigskin · 22/10/2013 17:13

I would feel the same as you. It's trying to cheat the system and essentially bollocks to everyone else.

My neighbour told me how he was going to grease the school governor's hand to get his little girl moved up the waiting list. I laughed at him and told him I didn't think it would do him any good.

He's a bit of a twat anyway though.

If she is a friend I would tell her what I thought. If you're thinking you're going to lose her friendship anyway you have nothing to lose.

MaryBerrysBlazer · 22/10/2013 17:32

I'd feel the same as you too OP. It doesn't sit right with me. Its plain dishonesty isn't it?

RenterNomad · 22/10/2013 17:38

Our borough's rules for primary admission state that you have to be living at your "qualifying" address from the January before your child starts school, and still be living there when school starts.

They check council tax and land registry records to make sure yiu haven't got another property (and evidence of sale or end of tenancy elsewhere is required).

We rented a house near a good school, but with us, we had no other house, and our LLs sold our old house so we needed to move anyway. Ee made sure to have a 14month lease so we couldn't kicked (or sold) out before scjool started.

Mrspebble · 22/10/2013 17:45

I would be really annoyed but there is a saying...

It is a long road without a turn...

Stand back, say nothing.. These things have a funny way of working. She hasn't got him in yet! Who is to say your child won't flourish in another school.. That that school may have a high turnover of staff, a bullying problem etc..

My dad always told me to keep schtum.. Let people make their own mistakes. I would admire her putting her children first in moste circumstances but this would annoy me too.

newgirl · 22/10/2013 17:45

If they aren't actually living in the house I think they run a high risk of getting the place withdrawn at some point. A kid in my eldest class was removed 4 weeks after starting in recep. Reason was the parents had rented a flat to get a place even though they lived in a large house elsewhere and someone told the council

pixiepotter · 22/10/2013 17:48

But maybe they will move in before allocations day.I would be very wary of this type of gossip.

pictish · 22/10/2013 17:50

Well personally I think it's a fucking spray of shit that people with more money can buy their way in like that.
That's not fair, or acceptable...it's mercenary as fuck and would definitely put me off a friend who did that.

pixiepotter · 22/10/2013 17:51

'I think it's a fucking spray of shit that people with more money can buy their way in '
WElcome to capitalism!

SidandAndyssextoy · 22/10/2013 17:53

I completely agree with you, OP. I wouldn't do 'anything' for my child as I refuse to lie and cheat to get her something at the expense of another child. And I say that as the parent of a child likely to get sent three miles across London to primary as our house now sits outside three shrinking catchments.

Coupon · 22/10/2013 17:53

YANBU. It's playing the system in a dubious way.

pictish · 22/10/2013 17:53

Yeah I know - but I don't have to like it do I?
The OP asked what we thought...and that's what I think.

picnicbasketcase · 22/10/2013 17:56

I'd report it I think. There will be a small catchment area for a reason and pretending to live in it to go to the 'right' school is a load of shit. It really wouldn't sit well with me to think that a local family who had lived in the area for years could have a child who wouldn't get in because of someone else's dishonesty.

Plus people set too much store by OFSTED reports and league tables, which are easily manipulated by schools anyway.

WowOoo · 22/10/2013 18:05

I know people who have actually moved to live closer to a good school. Fair enough.
But, she is cheating. The 'pretending' bit would bother me too.

I know of parents who did this to get into Ds' school. I'm still a bit prejudiced against them. Without this prior knowledge (gossip!), I'd think they were entirely decent parents.

HearMyRoar · 22/10/2013 18:18

I am a bit outraged not by the whole school places issue but by the fact that she is basically depriving someone else of a house and contributing to the rise in rental prices. I live somewhere with a real shortage of decent homes to buy or rent so the idea of someone renting a house they have no intention of living in makes me rather furious.

mewkins · 22/10/2013 19:03

I thought you could be prosecuted if it comes to light you aren't living there. Or at the very least you would lose your school place when it emerged. Why would you risk it?

I have heard of someone considering buying a house close to a school to move in for 6months and then sell it again. I do wonder why you wouldn't just cough up for private education if you could afford a spare house in an expensive part of the home counties.

lljkk · 22/10/2013 19:30

I'd be hacked off too if I were OP. I don't care if it's U.

Original poster
Jojomiro · 22/10/2013 20:53

Wow, you have all restored my faith in humanity today- I was wondering if everyone but me thought this was ok?

To answer a few points, I'm not sure it's worth telling her how I feel, the more I think about this, the less I want anything to do with her.

In our same group of friends, one family has left London for better schools in the home counties; one family is renting somewhere near the school they want (but actually living there) supposedly with a view to buying in the future (they are renting their place out); and one friend has told me they will go private if their DS gets offered a 'bad' school. I wouldn't make these choices, but they are legitimate. It's the lying and cheating I object to. If you want a place in the state system, I think you should operate within the rules of that system.

To everyone saying she will get caught - maybe. I think on paper she is doing the right things, but sr

OP posts:
Original poster
Jojomiro · 22/10/2013 20:55

Posted too soon, sorry.

She and DS are not actually sleeping or living in the rented house at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jojomiro · 22/10/2013 21:00

mrspebble thanks for very good advice!

pixie it isn't gossip at all. She has told everyone in our group this is what she is doing, interestingly except me, the only person who lives closer than.her (real house) to the school in question

OP posts:
Laquitar · 22/10/2013 21:06

Did she tell you herself?
This would make a big difference to me.
If she lied to my face and she was good in lieing and cheating then i would constantly worry about her lying on other things too.