Am I really that bad??

[ItsAllOverTheFrontPage]

I recently posted a thread about a huge falling out with my best friend. Nothing has changed since I posted it we a still not talking and thats it.

All our friends are mutal friends, I have known the, 12 years. She has known the, since she was a child. We are both in our 30's.

Teo days ago a mutual friend did a round group fb message for a group meet up. I said Id love to, presumed ex friend and I would just be civil. Everyone replied except her. We were trying to reach an agreed place and time to meet.
She still wasnt replying, they suggested a place I couldnt make, I said as much wished them a great time and left the conversation. The reason I left it was because I knew she wasnt getting involved because of me and they are much older friends to her than me and I hated the thought of her not seeing them because ofnthe fall out.

Lo and behold, the second I bowed out she messaged and said lets all meet at hers, all agreed and now its all sorted.

I feel fucking sick as a result.

So I PMd her. Said I bowed out the conversation because I didnt want to get in the way, but now Im feel like shit. Does it always have to be this way? We have mutual friends, is each meet going to be a case of who wins gets to go? I thought we'd be civil and at least be able to be in the same room.

Her reply was this "Must be great to be so emotionally superior. I will not be explaining my actions to you."

Im shocked. Am I being emptionally superior? If I am, I will totally accept this but I need to have it explained why because right now all I feel is sick tomthe pit of my stomach and I just want to cry.

Superior is definitely not something I feel, nor was aiming for.

Life is shit, my best mate has hurt me unimaginably so, I cant join in in the impending meet, and apparently its likely to jeopordise all group meets.

I cant call any of my friends for advice because they are all friends with her, and 'dont want to take sides'. I tried calling one friend but he just didnt answer, it was hours ago and Ive not heard back. Speaks volumes.

Feel fucking sick.

Any advice?

Please be gentle I feel like an abandoned left bollock.

Kind of same thing happened to me two years ago.i was friends with a girl and her partner.Her and her partner split and because i didnt pick to take her "side" ( ridiculous as it wasnt any of my business) and hate him she decided to not be friends anymore.Id done nothing to her at all to be unsupportive but hey.
We had the same friends so unbeknown to me was inviting everyone to her house except me,my friends werent being nasty by going it was just a social event to them.Then it went to " well if SHES going im not going" when she was invited to things same as me from other people.Just pathetic.So for a while I felt hurt and a bit lonely because she was trying to freeze me out but guess what now?its me thats hanging out with our friends and not through any retaliation,i just kept in touch with them and pretended i didnt know and now i just feel sorry for her.Her nastiness did her no favours as people marked her card.

Just treat your friends normally,dont bitch about her just let your relationship continue minus her.you can still be friends itll take time to settle but it will.i bet your friends just dont wana be in the middle x

Agree with Limited. Carry on your relationship with the others without her. Whatever you do try not to make your mutual friends feel caught in the middle.

Why don't you try and organise the next meet up at your house, or a venue you have in mind?

I am sorry for you. you sound really lonely and your situation sounds horrible as well. I am sometimes quite judgey so I don't want to get involved in what either of you did or said, but is the friendship worth saving? If it is then maybe bit the bullet and ask her to meet up and talk to you?

Might she think she WAS there for you when you needed it?

If she is a shit friend anyway then leave it. The older I get the happier I am to cut people off who make me feel miserable.

and also what limited said, it might take some time to settle.

Can you have a glass of wine tonight and enjoy some crappy telly?

She will prob end up regretting whats happened,i think my past friend does because she talks about old times when we all did things together and now ahe doesnt do things with our friends anymore,being like that will make her lonely its daft

YANBU. It will pass.

Her comment sounds horrible to me - no dignity in being a bitch. I agree, arrange a get together at your place and don't exclude yourself on her behalf.
Why did you fall out?

(Valdeeves Op has put the link in her first post as to why they fell out.)

Why doesn't this sort of dilemma happen with blokes?

Ugh I remember this horrible child of a woman. Just hold you head up high OP and continue to try to be civil in the eyes of your other friends. Don't message her anymore because it sounds like she's too childish to see you are trying to make it comfortable for everyone. I'd invite everyone to yours for something to do and even invite her too maybe so everyone sees that you are happy to be civil even though you don't want to be best buddies with her anymore. But definitely organise something with them so you don't get pushed out.

Jesus, what's her problem?

Granted you told her to fuck off, but I would have thought that would have prompted an apology if she wasn't already looking for a reason to start an argument.

If this is the way she reacts to being irritated by a couple of FB posts she's a grade A twat.

Fuck her and fuck what she thinks about you, she's obviously not going to tell you why she thinks your a hideous person and it's probably because she's ashamed of the fact it's because your situation is difficult and sad and she's too much of a fucking idiot to begin to know how to deal with it. Much easier now she can tell people it's because you told her to fuck off while omitting the context of being sarky about your posts at 3am.

I can see why people don't want to take sides, but don't give up keeping their friendships just yet - just be wary of going on about the argument with knobhead unless someone asks.

She was there for me at the start, when I was there for her, mutually.

Then her life got good and I was just a pain in the arse hanger on.

Yes I believe she thinks she was there for me the whole time. She very much wasnt.

At one point I needed an op and I bled very heavily for several months as a result, because of this I got very low iron. I had no idea at the time I thought I was just deeply depressed and exhausted by life. I was snappy and unhappy and finding little to laugh about. I found out it was iron, got the supplements, fixed it and got my act together.

After this, I text her a long embarrassing text saying what a great friend she was and how she had been there for me, at the same time ai was thinking, she hasnt been there for me at all actually, I cant remember the last time she was but I was so shit scared of losing her friendship that I panicked and said it all. It highlighted for me how much she hadnt been there, ironically. She even replied, "Thanks, but I dont know what I have done to help" exact words.

I thought, no, she hasnt done anything. She hasnt been around for a long time. It was is that set the ball rolling really.

But because I had sent that, after this epic fall out I think she probably has that text in mind, me telling her what a fab friend she was etc etc.

Ergh I feel like such a prick for sending that, or even panicking about losing her.

God i sound like such a needy fucking psycho. This is what shit times and no sleep does to you.

I never used to be like this, I swear.

A friend who Isnt there when times are hard was never a friend to begin with.

why are you so scared of losing her friendship? She doesn't sound like much of a friend?

you don't sound like a psycho at all x

I think you need to start looking out of your current social circle for some positive friendships that will bring you laughter and support.

I think this will sort itself out over time but I think for your own sanity you need fun away from this toxic friendship and it will then get some perspective and you won't feel 'needy' etc.

Be brave, you will find nice people.

I also think you should just carry on as normal. It's a shame you pulled out of this meet up as it was a perfect time to see everyone and it was up to her whether to act like an adult or not (she didn't!). I'd organise another meet up at a place your normally go to and include her in the invite - then it's up to her. I wouldn't arrange it at your house as that would seem too tit for tat. Or else just arrange to meet the others individually - if you normally would and do not discuss this - just carry on as normal.

Yeah arrange a meet and tell one of the othets to invite her,no need to directly invite her,you can kinda stay out of her way like that.x

You're not needy, you're vulnerable.

You're also realising that your mate isn't matching up to the person you thought she was, and realising who/what she really is. That's hard going and shit to come to terms with at the best of times, never mind when you could really use that fantasy persons shoulder for a bit. But it's becoming fairly obvious that whatever you thought she was is just not true. That's her failing not yours.

Please don't let this become about you and all the possible things that you could have done to trigger this. From your posts, although I agree people can be draining when they're having a hard time, you still deserve to be cut some slack and not subject to someone being outright sarky and nasty about how you are being.

A proper friend could have constructively attempted to pull you up a bit, she bizarely chose to take your problems as a personal insult and get sarcastic with you.

She sounds shit and not someone to miss. I lost a best friend through her treating me with a contemptible lack of respect and it wasn't until I posted on here about missing her, that I realised (through the wealth of responses telling me to stop being an arse!) that the friendship was nothing beneficial to me at all.

Carry on treating your mutual friends completely normally. Don't let the bad feeling between you and Former Friend sour any more relationships. If she is going to behave like a twat and put them in an awkward position, they'll soon tire of it and drift away from her. Keep your head high and don't give in to the temptation to bitch about her to them. Easier said than done

She sounds like a complete bitch! I would leave it a week or so then message your friends to arrange something with them, don't engage with the arsehole at all, she never was your friend.

If your other friends "don't want to take sides" then presumably they'd be equally happy to meet up at your house.