AIBU to have ended this friendship. In this awful way?

(79 Posts)
ItsAllOverTheFrontPage Fri 06-Sep-13 10:32:55

I think I may be ripped apart here. But theres always the hide thread option I suppose.

To start, Im having the lowest time of my whole life. I have a child with serious health problems, and my DH has just left. This was amicable though, he hasn't just ditched us.

Im dragging myself out of a depression, Im really alone where I am, I get very very little sleep because of DC's health issues, I cant work for the same reason, I have no family near by to help.

Generally life is a really, really massive ball ache and Im just about keeping my head above water.

I have a close friend who I have known for some years. We both had one child each at one point and we'd meet up regularly with and without the children. We then got pregnant at the same time, we were happily pregnant together, had the tiny babies, she struggled a lot and we used to meet up a lot. She said herself more than once that she really relied on our meets in the early days for keeping her sane.

We are nearly 3 years on and her life is dandy now which is great, eldest at school, little one at nursery, she works a couple of evenings a week, so is around for the kids in the day, but generally gets to put her feet up when the kids are at school/nursery, or catch up on house work etc. (her words not my assumption).

Because Im pretty much on my own all of the time, when things are really bad with the youngest, I sometimes use fb to vent. It doesnt happen often, but things have been very very tough the last two weeks with my youngest and its clear to see that Im on my knees.

Said friend has no text, not called, nothing.

Prior to this Ive suggested meet ups several times which she can never do.

She will never initiate a meet up or text/call to see how we are, its just me that initiates anything.

Anyway, last night we had a monumental fall out.
She fb PM'd me and simply said 'you havent posted on fb for 9 ours, are you ok?????'

I said ' are you taking the mick'

She said 'yup'

Im afraid I went postal. I was so mad, I said its clear to see Im having a shit time, that Im using fb as a crutch and she is mocking me.

I told her to fuck off. Twice.

I have apologised for swearing at her, for this I was totally unreasonable.
My emotions are like a rollacoaster at the moment but this is no excuse.
But I said Im not sorry for being angry.

I cannot seem to see anything clearly at the moment. Im lost between trying to get my children and I through a very very recent break up, trying to stay sane between my poor childs health problems.

Was I BU for being pissed off? I have effectively ended the friendship.

I know I was being childish telling her to eff off, I totally lost control of my emotions for a minute. That I know.

CatAmongThePigeons Fri 06-Sep-13 10:34:55

YANBU. It was nasty of her to mock you in that way. sad

Snowflakepie Fri 06-Sep-13 10:39:30

Do you want to end the friendship? Because I think you could retrieve if you wanted to. You apologised for swearing, and friends understand if you're angry because of everything else going on. If you want her back as a friend then phone and explain it all rationally. If not, then leave it be. I don't think you were unreasonable to be angry but she might have thought it was an amusing comment that would cheer you up a bit? Depends on your relationship normally. Some of my friends would react the same way to that sort of comment, others wouldn't.

You're having a tough time. Don't beat yourself up. Decide how you really feel about this person and go from there. Good luck.

CrazyCatLady13 Fri 06-Sep-13 10:40:31

It's very frustrating when you've been there for a friend, then they're not there for you. I can completely understand you reacting in the way you did. Sounds like she's a fairweather friend and you won't miss much as you weren't getting much out of the relationship, it was all one sided.

cushtie335 Fri 06-Sep-13 10:40:34

I'll be honest - I don't "get" Facebook and why people want to put their private lives on it for all the world to see (ok, not the whole world, but you get my drift).

She's made a flippant comment which you're not really strong enough to deal with at the moment but I think you will really miss the friendship (a REAL friend as opposed to an avatar on Facebook)

Stay off social networking for a while and focus on real life.

Gullygirl Fri 06-Sep-13 10:40:54

YANBU.
You are entitled to be angry with her and to express your anger.
If she is a true friend,she will understand that you are having a difficult time, hopefully,if you want to continue with the friendship, you will both find way to talk this through,face to face and maybe resolve it.
Do you have anyone in RL who can offer you sine support and empathy?

Listentomum Fri 06-Sep-13 10:41:44

Sorry you are having a hard time. I do think we was probably just gently pulling your leg. However I can understand why you reacted the way you did, given how much stress you are under. And given the back story between you, I can also understand why you feel angry and let down by her.

The question is do you want the friendship to end? Or do you want to salvage it. Do point beating yourself up for it either way. If you want to salvage it call her or text her and just say, you are really sorry you are having a hard time and was wrong to take it out on her, be honest and say you could really do with a friend right now if she wants to meet up or come round for a coffee. If you don't want to salvage it then just leave it.

Is there anywhere local you could get support from, is there any local support groups for other parents and children with similar or same health condition as your DC. Local sure start centre? Looks like you could do with some RL support.

Gullygirl Fri 06-Sep-13 10:41:47

Some

Fairy1303 Fri 06-Sep-13 10:42:03

Ok. There are a lot of issues here.
You re clearly having a very tough time. I am so sorry things are so hard for you. Have you thought of home start? They could come to you, help you talk to you, whatever. They are brill.

Honestly, I think your friend was joking. Misguided, probably, but I don't think it was meant maliciously, she might have been trying to chivvy you along a bit (probably not very tactful)

I have a friend who does the same with the cancelled meets, me initiating. My baby is 10 weeks old and she hasn't met him yet. I would just let her come to you, if she doesn't contact, her loss, if she does, meet her for coffee. You sound like you could use the support.

I think you should speak to her. Apologise for over reacting (I think you did a tiny bit), she will understand. You are sleep deprived and having a bad time. She will probably want to help you if she knows.

I hope things get better for you soon x

pianodoodle Fri 06-Sep-13 10:43:15

I thought her original PM was a bit more of a light hearted way of finding out how you were etc... but obviously I'm not reading it in the same frame of mind as you would have done.

If you're having a shit time people don't always know the extent of it as so many people have a "moany" fb status nowadays you can't really tell who is desperate for help and who's just having a bad day.

I know you see her life as "easier" than yours at the minute but tbf it's easy to get caught up and busy with two kids - I don't see my best friend as often because we both work p/t now too whereas when the kids were tiny we met up more.

Really though, it's better to contact friends directly and if you're struggling let them know properly by explaining the situation and asking for help.

FB status updates are impersonal and lead to a lot of ambiguity!

ItsAllOverTheFrontPage Fri 06-Sep-13 10:43:29

If she had been flaky, it wouldnt be enough for me to want to end the friendship.

If she had been there for me, but 'joked' like that, id bave been miffed but not enough to end the friendship.

But the two things together have really, really stung. I dont want to be friends with her now, no.

It was an excellent friendship, but as her life got good, I was very much pushed out the picture.

BangOn Fri 06-Sep-13 10:44:15

Yanbu, but maybe have a rethink about using fb as a crutch. It's so public, & if you don't get the response you're looking for from people you'll only feel worse. At least if you use mn as a crutch (as many people do) you can always flounce & name change.

Morloth Fri 06-Sep-13 10:46:08

I also think you friend has made a misjudged joke. A bit of teasing amongst friends is pretty standard.

Sorry you are having such a shit time. I am pretty sure that that will be the end of that though.

Listentomum Fri 06-Sep-13 10:46:53

Then just leave it as it is, you apologised so there is no point it hacking it up again.

We are all a little UR sometimes grin especially when we feel pushed.

Good luck OP I hope things get better.

Morloth Fri 06-Sep-13 10:48:04

Yup just leave it.

Nothing else to be done really.

Hopefully things pick up for you soon.

pianodoodle Fri 06-Sep-13 10:51:29

It may not be that you were pushed out because her life got good.

Quite often it isn't deliberate and is the result of things getting busier whether they are "good" or not.

It may be worth not deciding to cut her off completely maybe wait for things to settle down a bit.

ItsAllOverTheFrontPage Fri 06-Sep-13 10:52:42

Thanks.

Re using FB as a crutch. I know, Im an idiot. The thing is, at 2am, 3am, 4am when Im the only one awake, on my own giving my DC meds, rocking him, just laying awake with him, I struggle. I dont have a husband at home to share the burden or a friend to call, so facebook feels as though I can just get some whinge out. I feel like no one see's at that time of night.

But then of course its morning after that and everyone see's me falling through the bottom of the earth and I painfully regret posting.

I never go into detail, I never air my dirty laundry. Its just a few words.

ItsAllOverTheFrontPage Fri 06-Sep-13 10:56:55

She's just deleted me from Facebook.

RoonilWazlibWuvsHermyown Fri 06-Sep-13 10:58:19

I think she sounds like an arse. The casual "yup" would have made my blood boil. Its one thing to not be there for you but to then mock your posting on fb when it must be clear you are struggling? Nasty.

cushtie335 Fri 06-Sep-13 10:59:20

Come on here instead, it's relatively anonymous and you won't have let people see you at your most vulnerable.

I don't use Facebook but have heard plenty people moaning about cryptic "life's shit" type posts as they perceive them as attention seeking.

I feel very sorry for what you're going through at the moment and completely understand your need to vent, just don't do it in a way that will come back to bite you in the arse or alienate you from real friends who can help you practically and emotionally, not just empty words on a screen.

Good luck.

Hi

I don't think you've been unreasonable and I hope the discussion with your friend results in an apology from her and more effort made to support you through a difficult time.

The main point for my post here is to ask if you've ever used twitter? You can have an anonymous account and speak quite openly and honestly without RL people knowing how hard you're finding things. You will find others in the same boat who are going through similar difficulties and can offer support. Might be worth trying?

Hope things get easier for you soon.

Hopasholic Fri 06-Sep-13 11:01:12

If she's a good friend, she'll realise it was a mis-judged comment, apologise and come and see you. I'd be gutted if I upset a friend unintentionally like this and would go out of my way to make it right.

If she's not a good friend then you'll probably not hear from her again. it doesn't sound like she's much of a friend to you OP.

I'm sorry you're having a bad time, you clearly need some support, is there anything locally you can access?

hillyhilly Fri 06-Sep-13 11:02:54

You've apologised, the ball's now in her court. It doesnt sound as though the friendship was that strong if she's being so unsupportive.
Leave it with her, if she's a good friend she'll buck up her ideas and help you, if not then you've lost nothing frankly

Osmiornica Fri 06-Sep-13 11:05:53

Have you directly asked her for help? Or are you assuming she'll get the hint?

ItsAllOverTheFrontPage Fri 06-Sep-13 11:09:23

Thanks.

I think her deleting me from fb has pretty much explained her feelings about it.

I feel sick, and sad, but why? Nothing in my life will be different.

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