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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at the actions of this 'friend'...

38 replies

AlwaysDancing1234 · 18/10/2013 10:05

This 'friend' was also my line manager at work for several years. I left that job earlier this year and when I applied for new jobs I asked her for references to which she replied "of course, happy to, no problem etc etc.." all good.
Fast forward to this week, I'm a couple of months in to a new job. I found out yesterday that when HR Manager had emailed my so called friend to request a reference and attached the standard job description for her to refer to, 'Friend' emailed back asking if she could saying could apply for the job instead!.
She also included a cover note basically showing how she had more experience and qualifications and would be better at the job than me as she had manager experience!!
The HR manager who told me said she was quite appalled by this woman's actions and refused to accept her application as it was past closing date and they had short listed already anyway. 'Friend' then sent a reference a while later. But not before trying to steal MY job!
So AIBU I thinking I never want to see or talk to this 'friend' again and feel furious and upset?. Should I have it out with her or just leave it and move on?

OP posts:
readysteady · 18/10/2013 10:06

:0

LookingThroughTheFog · 18/10/2013 10:07

Not unreasonable. She's not a friend; she's an ex-colleague.

KhunZhoop · 18/10/2013 10:07

Just dump and don't deal with her again. No one needs friends like this.

Original poster
AlwaysDancing1234 · 18/10/2013 10:08

Sorry that's a bit long and rambling, I can't write clearly as I'm so cross Angry

OP posts:
flipchart · 18/10/2013 10:09

Are you still in touch?

RevelsRoulette · 18/10/2013 10:09

Wow. That takes some guts Grin

I'm not sure how professional it was of the HR person to tell you though, but you can't tell your friend you know, otherwise she may turn on the HR person for breach of privacy and that would make things really awkward for you in your new job.

But I don't know how you could be normal with her, knowing what you know, so you may find that you just drift away from her.

RevelsRoulette · 18/10/2013 10:10

Oh. I assumed that 'friend' meant friend. As in friend. As in someone currently socialised with, etc.

If that's not the case, then there's nothing to do but shrug and chalk it up to experience.

shimmeringinthesun · 18/10/2013 10:11

Shock !
Just when you think you've heard it all!
No, YADDDNBU . I would just totally blank her from now on. You got the job, she didn't. They saw who was the better person.

Good luck and congratulations for getting it too [flowers}

KillerKoalaFaceFromSpace · 18/10/2013 10:13

Cheeky mare!

Thank your lucky stars you don't have to put up with her any more!

kotinka · 18/10/2013 10:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
AlwaysDancing1234 · 18/10/2013 10:15

Thanks for replies. I guess I can't say anything in case it causes HR problems.
I have socialised with this person outside of work and asked to meet up recently but she was vague, I now know why.

I did consider her a friend not just ex-colleague but as some of you have said I think I will just have to cut her off and forget it.

OP posts:
pinkballetflats · 18/10/2013 10:16

Wow - best off without this "friend". Honestly, I think you should leave this one and move on - you won't get an apology; she's got more front than Brighton and will manage to turn the conversation to your faults and flaws as she perceives them.

Original poster
AlwaysDancing1234 · 18/10/2013 10:16

Thanks for the flowers shimmering

OP posts:
HormonalHousewife · 18/10/2013 10:19

WoW that took some balls from her !

You cant really say anything though as the HR person was completely unprofessional and you could open a can of worms unintentionally.

You are better off without 'friends' like her !

Original poster
AlwaysDancing1234 · 18/10/2013 10:24

Thanks everyone, I wasn't sure if I was just overreacting.
I think HR person only told me as she was appalled by the actions of this woman and thought it totally wrong and unprofessional. (She doesn't realise I also classed this person as a friend)
I'm going to forget about her and not bother contacting her again.

OP posts:
kerala · 18/10/2013 10:51

Err not overreacting! At all!

My "friend" ex flatmate applied for a job at my firm. My manager showed me her cv she had nicked the entire "interests" section from my cv! As it was very early in our careers that section had more importance than now. In her spare time she basically shagged married men whilst I did swotty things like having a role in the trainee solicitors group, sport etc. She had cut and pasted that section of my cv into hers (we had worked on our cvs together once). Was Shock but knowing her I shouldnt have been surprised. Obviously we are no longer friends (for many many other reasons).

DIYapprentice · 18/10/2013 11:00

Why would it be a breach of confidentiality for the HR person to have said this? The 'friend' was acting in the role of a referee for the op, so actually HR were acting quite responsibly by informing her of this persons actions as her referee.

The 'friend' is not an employee, so has no rights to be protected by this company at all.

limitedperiodonly · 18/10/2013 11:24

Cut her from your life. Congratulations on the job too.

Agree with DIY. Surely the HR person has no obligation to the referee and a responsibility, if only a moral one, to OP. She sounds like a nice woman. I'd make her your new friend.

digerd · 18/10/2013 12:31

You lost an enemy and gained a real friend with moral principles. She did you a favour indirectly. Serves her right, I'm glad to say.
Your new HR is ace. Ignore any further contact with the ex-'frenemy'.
Good luck in your new job.

Original poster
AlwaysDancing1234 · 18/10/2013 17:23

Thanks everyone. I'm glad HR informed me of her nasty antics, I won't be asking her for a reference again or indeed bother talking to her again. As several of you have said, I am better off without her as a friend!

OP posts:
SPBisResisting · 18/10/2013 17:26

Wow that is shit!

Canthaveitall · 18/10/2013 17:31

Yanbu what a shit.

And well done for getting the job.

3birthdaybunnies · 18/10/2013 17:36

I think you might need to be washing your hair for the foreseeable future. I wouldn't say anything just quietly dump her.

dreamingofsun · 18/10/2013 17:51

HR were in breach of the data protection act though, and could have got a big fine for doing this. what a cow - ex friend that is not HR

ajandjjmum · 18/10/2013 18:40

I think I'd have one last meet-up - and spend the time telling her how wonderful the job is, and how glad you are that you were given the position.

And as you leave, just say that you won't be asking her for a reference again.

No need to say what you know! Grin