By asking why MNers feel it's acceptable to often get angry with our DHs?

[TheDietStartsTomorrow]

I'm a newish member so just getting used to the general norms and acceptables of MN but one thing I've noticed it that many posters write that they got angry with their DH in a particular situation, or respond by saying that if it was them in a particular situation they would be very angry/livid/mad at their DH.

It feels like it's almost a normal way of reacting to a situation, especially one where the female in the relationship feels her OH is being unreasonable with his contribution to the housework or with the DC. I find myself thinking that as many seem to express their anger as a result of seeking equality, would it would be totally unacceptable for the male in the relationship to fly off the handle in a similar situation? Or would that be deemed inappropriate?

So my question is, do you feel a woman has more of a right to lose her rag and get angry at her husband than a man does? Or when you write that you would get angry or tell him to f* off etc, it means you're also fine with your OH also reacting in a similar way?

As I am always teaching my 5yo, anger is a normal human emotion that is perfectly OK to express along with all the other human emotions. It is OK to be angry - healthy even.

It is HOW and when that anger is expressed and possibly directed at another person that can cause problems.

Of course if anger is a trigger happy or dominant emotion there might be some issues that need further exploration.

Well my X was abusive and had huge anger issues. Well possibly he didn't as he really just directed it at me - whatever, he used anger as a weapon against me.

His anger was expressed with screaming shouting verbal abuse, lots of tension and a complete OTT reaction.

Whereas if I got angry, I would be pissed off and would try to express why verbally to him. ie "I am angry/upset because of XYZ lets talk about it" or sometimes "I am angry about XYZ - I can't talk to you right now but will soon when I am able to. I just need a bit of time".

He would then launch in with his OTT shouting, in my face name calling & verbal abuse simply because I was angry with him. I wasn't allowed to be even calmly angry.

I hope I explained that well enough for you to see the difference!!

I'm not being patronising. I honestly can't understand, if you are reading all the various kinds of threads on here, how you can end up with a question like, why do you think it's acceptable to get angry with your husband?

Take the housework threads, which you cite in your OP. Most of the time these involve a woman doing the vast majority of everything in the house and her partner doing fuck all. So she asks, AIBU to be angry?

A lot of people will say of course it's okay to be angry, because that situation is unjust, and anger is a natural response to injustice.

In fact, many regular relationship problems for women have an element of injustice to them, because inequality in society compounds problems at home.

I just find it startling that anyone could read even a decent number of threads on here and come away with the conclusion that the problem is that women are getting too angry with their men.

Good post BeCool
Abusive behaviour isn't really an anger thing. It's about power and control.

Yes. What dreaming said.

I make the Marge sound a lot these days.

How that woman doesn't have a drinking problem is beyond me.

I am often amazed at the language used here when describing anger directed at DH's. For example people often claim to be in a rage or absolutely livid or beyond seething about things I'd consider very mildly annoying or upsetting but not something to be angry about, and usually things which are very easily resolvable without any kind of argument. Some people seem to go far beyond normal anger. Getting angry is normal. Being in a full-on, seeing red rage can also be normal in some situations, but it shouldn't be a regular thing or a standard reaction to every issue.

There are lot's of threads that describe terrible behavior, no question, but there's also plenty, especially in AIBU, that describe one-off fuck-ups or accidents or just standard relationship niggles. Often the DH's have been unreasonable, but not in any malicious or dreadful way, they've just messed up one thing or had a bad day, and it happens rarely. I know I've fucked up before by say, oversleeping when it was supposed to be my DH's morning to lie in, or by forgetting to call when I had to work late. It's thoughtless and it's annoying, but everyone messes up occasionally. In those situations I'd expect DH to be a bit pissed and I'd apologise profusely and make it up somehow, but if I was detecting anything close to seething rage, well frankly I'd be scared and I doubt he'd be my DH much longer. If I found out he was starting threads about what a useless piece of shit I am instead of actually talking to me, I'd be starting divorce proceeding's immediately.

And I really hate that people think it's still ok to say they're going to kick their partner in the balls or give him a good slap. Even if they don't have the slightest intention of actually doing it, even if they're DH is a real piece of work, it's never ok to say things like that.

If my DH phoned now he would get a fuck off, i'm seething. I'm waiting for the final straw, it not quite there yet but its close.

Our problem atm is what I feel is his complete lack of respect for me, our DCs and our home. I posted about his crap last week and me putting it in black bags. 1 week later, after talking about it, him agreeing he has a problem with hoarding, me saying I will help him with sorting his stuff, the black bags are still there, infact they have been attacked by the cats and are spreading. The stuff he was throwing out is in the hall way piling up and he has now brought home MORE stuff to fill up the not existent gaps that he has CREATED by moving stuff.

I do the all the housework, i'm a SHAM and yes I believe its part of my job, that does not mean that I am his skivvy or the curator of his crap.

So I'm angry, in fact I'm bloody fuming.

I've had a few times when something my P(X) has done has really made me angry - seething, perhaps disproportionatly so.

It really didn't happen that often but when it did it could feel quite overwhelming. I think if, like lots of people do, you suppress or minimise 'normal' anger (for many reasons) it can all come out at once when you aren't expecting it and feel quite overwhelming.

And I did, what I think lots of women are doing, and start a thread on MN about it. To work it out, to be heard, to be reassured, to be told to get a grip, to be told it's OK, to feel validated, to be told YABU or YANBU, to vent, to blow off steam, whatever. MN can be an outlet for those moments of intense anger that surprise many people.

What you may be seeing a lot of the time is these moments OP - not normal daily anger, but "I've repressed and minimised for so long, I'm now overwhelmed with rage and I don't really know why" anger.

I have a rule, I do not moan about my husband online.

As a rule, people only see one side and then always remember the time when a certain posters husband acted like an arse and it changes their opinion of them. Not so much the case here with the name changes I guess though.

I can moan about him but can't handle anyone else calling him a bastard etc. Not that I often moan about him irl either, he is pretty lovely and easy to get on with.

I have cringed at some of the language and responses to little relationship problems here which is another reason I won't bring any problems to an online forum. Although I understand that for some they may not be lucky to have other support or they just find venting helpful.

I think there is a double standard.. if a male posted a problem about his wife and a bunch of other men said things on the lines of 'tell her to fuck the fuck off' or some of the other colourful replies like 'kick him in the balls' I do think there would be a huge uproar.

Honestly shocked at some of the posts which seem to give the view that the poster treats their DH or DP as a money provider with no feelings of his own, who warrants no consideration.

I assume some of it is just a harmless outpouring and in real life they have a well balanced relationship, but it doesn't make nice reading sometimes.

There was one about where a man got given £30 a week "pocket money" from his wages or something by his wife and was doing things like buying sandwiches at work which made her very angry which sticks in my mind.

Because you should call a cunt, a cunt. If your dh pisses you off let him know. I can't imagine being a tip toe little mouse.
I am woman, hear me ROAR [Katy Perry jungle emoticon].

I wouldn't stay married to someone who called me a cunt

Or any nasty name for that matter.

I don't think I could be bothered with the financial and emotional upheaval of a divorce over the odd cunt .

I think the problem is op that you only get to read the final straw not the picking away that built up to it.

Last night I lost my temper at my dh, on the face of it for a ridiculous reason, he screwed up the dinner and I had to miss going to the gym to start dinner all over again. Sounds stupid doesn't it. The whole picture is I'm on maternity leave and go back in two weeks, on my return I have to pass a fitness test or be at risk of disciplinary proceedings, it's the 3rd night in this week I've missed being able to go to the gym due to him at the age of 41, a father of 3 being unable to cook dinner. Getting fit for work has been left too late due to my mother being ill throughout my leave and dying a month ago. I'm supporting my dad and doing all the paperwork for him to do with mum. We are skint, what he had produced was inedible and could have made people ill, badly cooked lentils, all because he couldn't read a recipe. I can't afford to replace ingredients every time he does this.

Sounds a little less unreasonable now doesn't it.

It is perfectly possible to feel angry but still behave in calm way. I can be raging inside without throwing plates/punches.

But I'm not going to not be angry if the situation calls. In fact is it even possible to just turn off emotions? Not for me. Although I have learned adult behaviour on the outside (well usually )

To answer the question I think men have just as much right to feel anger. But on this forum we are usually getting the female perspective.

Are you referring to the ignoring thread here, OP?

Anger is a normal and reasonable emotion, even for small problems in relationships. Channelled properly, it helps us to make things better for ourselves. I might get frustrated because I can't find something I need. I might stomp and huff a bit. I will undoubtedly civilly ask DH where it is and he will undoubtedly tell me which kitchen cupboard he put it on top of, out of the kids' reach. I would quite reasonably tell him that that's no good to me because it's out of my sight and reach, too and remind him that, not only am I not telepathic, I'm not as tall as he is and his reach is a foot higher than mine and could he please think about that, in future.

Anger is only a problem when the response is regularly out of proportion to the stimulus.

I actually wish my DP would get angry at me more often, his DM has made him terrified of conflict and now situations sit and fester until me putting an empty bottle back in the fridge (sometimes there just isn't time to properly rinse the bottle, and if it stays in the fridge I know it won't stink to high heaven when I do get round to it) turns in to watergate.

Sometimes it is healthy to blow off a bit, as long as it is not the norm and is followed by a proper discussion.

But Less if it's the thread I'm thinking of, the whole reason she gave him a weekly amount was because he was spending all their money on takeaways and treats for himself and making it hard to pay bills. And even then, he kept spending money on lunch out and asking for more money every week.

Lots of the 'angry' threads would be unreasonable taken out of context, but usually there is a backstory that explains it.

Tired I would be angry too. I'm sorry you're having such a terrible time at the moment.

I'm relieved to see there's others agreeing with me and with the explanations people have provided about feeling angry but not necessarily expressing that by shouting, swearing, arguing etc. Also, the explanation that for some its a two way situation and that they would also be fine with their partners getting angry at them too. As long as no one ends up feeling shaken, hurt, scared, intimidated and the partner at the receiving end knows that despite the display of anger, he/she is still safe and will not suffer any verbal or emotional abuse then it's all acceptable.

I've suffered emotional and physical abuse as a result of living with someone with anger problems. Little things would trigger a rage such as a wrong word here or there, a minor decision, a trivial action. Now, it's easier to look back and evaluate that behaviour and recognise that it was wrong but for me, at times, I'd read posts here and MNers would talk about getting angry/feeling rage/livid with their partners about small issues and it brings back uncomfortable memories. I find myself thinking that this is probably how he also justified his behaviour at the time- he thought it was the last straw, or he felt I was not being considerate towards him in the rare occasions that I did put myself first, or he felt I hadn't done enough around the house, etc. Seeing these excuses as justification for anger is uncomfortable for me because, in a way, it feels that the abuse directed towards me due to anger was also acceptable.

Lastly, I have not said anywhere that I think we cannot express anger towards our partners. Those who
have interpreted my OP as that are just, IMO showing misplaced indignation. I feel that those of us who stand for complete equality amongst partners should also accept that if they are going to go round calling their partner a cunt, a fucker, bitch about them to others online or get angry at seemingly small matters should also accept the same from their partners too, in the interests of fairness. And finally, I accept that expressing anger is the way to deal with many situations of injustice but when it comes to reacting, or in more trivial scenarios, anger can cause irrational behaviour and overreactions. I'd much rather wait till I'm calmer and had time to think and allow my emotions to settle before responding.