By asking why MNers feel it's acceptable to often get angry with our DHs?

[TheDietStartsTomorrow]

I'm a newish member so just getting used to the general norms and acceptables of MN but one thing I've noticed it that many posters write that they got angry with their DH in a particular situation, or respond by saying that if it was them in a particular situation they would be very angry/livid/mad at their DH.

It feels like it's almost a normal way of reacting to a situation, especially one where the female in the relationship feels her OH is being unreasonable with his contribution to the housework or with the DC. I find myself thinking that as many seem to express their anger as a result of seeking equality, would it would be totally unacceptable for the male in the relationship to fly off the handle in a similar situation? Or would that be deemed inappropriate?

So my question is, do you feel a woman has more of a right to lose her rag and get angry at her husband than a man does? Or when you write that you would get angry or tell him to f* off etc, it means you're also fine with your OH also reacting in a similar way?

Right, so when people write that they'd be angry or tell him to f* off or be livid they're not exactly saying they'd express their anger in a confrontational manner, but that they'd sit down and talk it over in a reasonable and calm way? Well, I guess that seems more normal then. I was beginning to think I was missing out on some plate throwing, screaming, expressive anger sessions .

LaurieFairyCakes, I'm not at all suggesting that women shouldn't express anger; I'm only saying that it seems to be too common a response in some situations and wondering why a more calmer response is it advised instead. By all means, get angry if you feel it, but in the interests of equality, allow your partner to also get angry at you in similar situations.

RockPaperScissors, I'm sort I don't understand what an MWight question is.

Pfft

So what's an appropriate response for a woman to have, if her husband never lifts a finger in the house, treats her like a maid, never takes care of the children, etc?

Is she allowed to feel a bit miffed? Perhaps a tiny bit annoyed? Or maybe she should just accept her situation. I mean, you know how men are.

I think it's entirely appropriate for a person to be angry with a partner who treats them badly and doesn't do their fair share. I honestly can't understand what you find so strange about that.

It's very easy to say on a thread "I'd be fucking furious and tell him to Fuck off and then fuck off some more" - and that might be how some people would like to respond - but not all of them would actually behave like that in RL (although some would).

Ha pag that is the best marge quote.

We don't shout we just do sneering disdain is that ok?

I agree with OP to an extent. Anger is natural, normal and healthy in a relationship, I agree. But generally on here, it is not ok for men to express anger.

Most methods of expressing anger can be named abuse, when presented by men. When women express anger, they do not risk this accusation.

On here, that is.

There are always double standards, and to be fair I'm probably guilty of it myself.

I get angry with my dh if he does something inconsiderate, like when he knew I was executing him home at 8.00, didn't let me know he was delayed and swanned in oblivious to the fact that I had been worried

I was angry. I said 'that's incredibly inconsiderate of you - do you not understand how worried I was'. So we talked about it

You should've started a thread

OP, I think you have to remember that what people post and what they express to their partners in RL are two totally different things usually, they are thinking "You fucking twat, you drive me up the sodding wall!" but they actually say "We need to have a chat" in rl.

They are often just venting their spleen on here before they talk to their partners.

Thumbwitch, yes, actually I did. Am I being naive? :) If people are saying things here they wouldn't say in reali life it advising others to react in a way they don't really expect them to, then it's a big misleading for newbies like me who take things literally.

BOF, MrsDevere I'm not at all suggesting that's its wrong to express feelings or get angry. I just don't think it's always the best response. Sometimes, calm, cool and collected goes a lot further than a tantrum.

Oh sorry, I cross posted with thumbwitch, I should've just agreed

Then yes, I think you are being a little naive if you are taking every response on here literally. :) Pinches of salt are often required with much of the advice/commentary on threads, quite often very large ones!

So what's an appropriate response for a woman to have, if her husband never lifts a finger in the house, treats her like a maid, never takes care of the children, etc?

In such a situation, I'd suggest she gives him the boot and find a proper man. Do you really think that getting angry is a solution to this problem? That the wife of such a selfish man can just get angry and that's it, he's a changed man??

Pinches of salt? more like a bucket or two

I'm very angry at a friends husband at the moment. I have told her this morning that "I am so fucking angry with him". He's coming in here later, and I'm not convinced that I won't tell him that I think he is being a "fucking unreasonable asshole" - and tbh, that will be me being polite. She is too 'scared', too upset to tell him exactly how upset she is in case it makes things worse and, horribly, I can see her turning into me.

DH and I hardly ever argue - but actually that isn't a good thing. More often than not I take the line of least resistance, and 'let him get away with' too much. I know it's wrong, but tbh I'm too tired, and too 'bored' of it all to argue with him.

I think we were happier when I would blow up, when I would get things out in the open and rant and rave about whatever it was that was wrong. These days I swallow it, and another little bit of love dies.

We are fine in that we are not going to break up or anything, we are still loving etc, but I don't have the respect for him that I used to. I don't argue because I want a quiet life and I can see that actually, that isn't a good thing, even if it is quieter.

Yep, I AM Marge Simpson.

Well yes but prior to booting your bloke out the usual emotion is either anger or sadness or both, unless you are a robot

I think people often come on here to let off steam and their reaction on screen is exaggerated. I do wince a bit when I read people suggesting they are violent towards their partner though. Things like 'kick him in the balls' are unacceptable imo and I wouldn't imagine we would be so accepting if a man came on here and expressed a wish to 'kick his wife in the cunt'.

Everyone has a right to feel agry. It's important to note when you are. However, how you express it is another matter. You can express it without shouting, disrespect or worse.

A woman expressing anger because her husband is being unreasonable or unfair is not throwing a tantrum.

This is exactly the kind of socialisation that continues to make life difficult for so many women. How many threads do you see on Relationships where women feel like expressing even justified anger is selfish or wrong or childish.

Are you actually reading the threads on here? The things that women are getting livid or angry about are usually not small things. It's stuff like, oh my husband came home at 4 am and woke up all the kids by puking all over the stairwell. Oh I just found out my husband has a £10,000 gambling debt. Or is sexting his assistant. Why on earth should women not get angry about stuff like this?

And if someone does post that they're angry about something small then yes, usually a lot of people will pop up and say you're overreacting, stay calm.

x-post

So it's all right to kick him out of the house, but getting angry at him is bad. Um, okay.

I d

I don't really get angry with my husband but if he did something unacceptable then I probably would get angry and I would expect him to get angry with me too if I did something out of order. It's normal, we are allowed to be angry with the ones we love, we're only human.

LtEve that's a very eloquent post. I'm sorry to hear you're going through all that, it sounds pretty rough.

I fully expect my dh to be venting at someone about me too every once n a while.
I paid him off too.
It's just that I do it here.

Gahhh I PISS him off

YAbu. DHs are annoying.

dreamingbohemian please, drop the patronising tone, of course I read the threads. Do you think I just look at the pretty shapes that the font makes and amuse myself. I don't profess to have read them all and I clearly stated that I'm not a MN veteran with all the experience and knowledge of someone like you yourself seem to be, but yes, I can and do read, thank you.

However, if you were reading the threads properly you'd realise it's not just extreme examples of £10,000 gambling debts or stumbling in drunk in the morning that I'm referring to. I'm talking about getting angry at more regular relationship problems.

I hear you ((LtEve ))