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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave my DH

43 replies

PTFO · 15/10/2013 12:30

Because he won't have a second child. He's had 10 months to think on it, we have discussed it many a time. I don't think I can live with this. I have booked into see someone for a 'chat' to help my thought processes as I'm not coping very well. I've slipped into depression with lots of tears. hence booking in to see someone.

aibu to consider this, am I a selfish cow, should I put up and shut up?

OP posts:
kotinka · 15/10/2013 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenStromba · 15/10/2013 12:32

How old is your DC and how old are you?

HulaHooperStormTrooper · 15/10/2013 12:33

No, you should not put up and shut up nor should you leave him without as much effort to work through this as is humanly possible. I honestly think that this sort of situation/stand off is one of the toughest things to have to get through during a marriage. I feel for you x

teenagetantrums · 15/10/2013 12:33

Well if you leave him and don't meet anyone else who wants a child are you happy to be a single mum of with one child? Are you happy together apart from the child issue?

Calloh · 15/10/2013 12:34

Will he ever change his mind? I am bit sure this is a leaving thing - would you want him to leave you if it was the other way round? Unless he is also unpleasant and a bad father and husband.

It must be very frustrating, what reasons does he give?

themaltesefalcon · 15/10/2013 12:37

Surely a resident dad is more important than a sibling to the child you have already?

Original poster
PTFO · 15/10/2013 12:38

Im 35, DS is 7. otherwise very happy.

If he loved me with all his heart he would agree. This is my thought process right now.

Yes I've had the same thought about my ds not having his father that's whats really stopping me that said, the damage is done now I just don't see him in the same light. He just dosent love me enough.

OP posts:
KhunZhoop · 15/10/2013 12:39

You need to see someone who can help you get through this tangle of thoughts, it sounds, in all honesty, like you're depressed.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 15/10/2013 12:41

but surely he can say if you loved him with all your heart then you would agree with him?

it isnt always as simple as that.

Loosingthebigkickers · 15/10/2013 12:42

If he loved me with all his heart he would agree?

Surely that goes both ways. He's decided he doesn't want another. Thats an equally valid choice as yours inwanting another.

Perhaps you need to change your process to this:

is our relationship healthy and are we happy.

Would I rather live as a family of three..

or a family of two.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 15/10/2013 12:42

But he will think if you love him with all your heart you will respect his wishes and be content with one child.

I know how you feel, I was desperate for more than one DC but after we have DS my DH was adamant no more. It used to make me sad but I can honestly say hand on heart, DS is 11 now and am totally over it. I think you both need to be in it for having DC, I know of 2 marriages where the DH was literally forced to have another child and both marriages ended.

scarlettsmummy2 · 15/10/2013 12:43

Depends on his reasons for not wanting another child.

cantthinkofagoodone · 15/10/2013 12:44

In our case the shoe is on the other foot, I'm the one who doesn't want any more children. I love my DH very much but don't want to go through the having another baby, pregnany and newborn (shudder).

If he gave me the ultimatum of leaving me or having more, i don't know what I'd do but the thought of it terrifies me and I can't believe that he'd leave his family to have more children.

Sorry for rambling - my point is that I love my DH very much and not wanting more kids is not a reflection on my love for him. An ultimatum would be very dangerous as even if you have more kids and stay together you've forced a decision.

mrscog · 15/10/2013 12:45

What did you agree before you got married? To me that's pivotal.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 15/10/2013 12:46

What did you agree before you got married? To me that's pivotal

I disagree, my DH always presumed we would have at least 2 but you don't actually know how you feel until you have one DC surely?

YouTheCat · 15/10/2013 12:49

What are his reasons?

MyPrettyToes · 15/10/2013 12:54

This is a massive dilemma, where there is no compromise OP. If you think you will resent him forever for 'denying' you a second child then it is healthier for you to separate.

I do not want to have any more children and my husband would love one more. I did ask him if it would be a deal breaker and he told me that he didn't marry me for the children we could have together but because he loved me (indeed, I was quite unsure whether I could have or even wanted children when we first met but he still married me). He was mortified that I had thought he could leave me because I wouldn't have another children. Not wanting another child is not a reflection of how I feel about my husband, I adore him.

You do sound like you need counselling. I imagine this must be heartbreaking for you.

Original poster
PTFO · 15/10/2013 12:55

yes your right that comment (if he loved me) does work both way, Im glad you pointed that out.

DH reasons for no more are as follows
We are both crap on no sleep
I suffered terrible PND- I wanted to kill myself.
Worried about the strain on our relationship

I suspect there are more selfish ones but he wont openly admit them to me.

We agreed two or three pre marriage. I can say that I KNOW that if this was the other way around I would agree, previously I have said as much even though I didn't want anymore myself at that point.

We are happy as a three but dear god I want a fourth!! I would not leave soley to have a child with someone else but because he has broken my heart and I see him in a different light, like detached from him.

OP posts:
Calloh · 15/10/2013 12:59

You mustn't leave him. You love this man and are happy with him.

You can ask again and explain what you think are the benefits, what are his reasons? Think of your marriage vows and how much you meant them when you said them and how much you loved him on your wedding day. This disagreement comes under them and your promise to stick to each other and to work things out. He's done nothing to invalidate that. You have to work things out, you may not get what you want but that's life and it's also, sure as hell, marriage. This is a biggie but shouldn't be a deal-breaker.

Everyone has a saturation point for the number of children they want and, as others have said, it is no reflection of your love for your partner.

LittlePeaPod · 15/10/2013 13:00

Sorry to hear how distressed you are Op what an awful situation to be in. Not sure what his reasoning for not wanting a second child is but I do think its wrong to force and/or emotionally blackmail someone into having a child when they don't want one or feel ready to have one. I don't think not wanting a second child means he doesn't love you. Do you really want to end a relationship because of this? What if you end it and find that you don't meet anyone else that does want a child.

Calloh · 15/10/2013 13:00

Sorry, cross post. Also sorry as I sound pretty sanctimonious in my prev post.

Is there any way you can reassure him on the pNd front, it must have been horrible for him to have seen you so unhappy.

kotinka · 15/10/2013 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PTFO · 15/10/2013 13:01

by the way I would not give him an ultimatum, that's pointless in my mind, in forcing him. I would make the decision, if I were to leave.

Oh dear the more I write the more I know I need to talk with someone, so I'm glad I've booked an appointment, I might even go and see a gp.

Thanks for your words of advice you have really helped me see some things from his point of view and helped me clear my head a bit. thanks

OP posts:
kotinka · 15/10/2013 13:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrscog · 15/10/2013 13:04

Yes I agree it's not the be all and end all but if before marriage they'd agreed on one and now the OP had changed her mind it would be a bit different.

Has he considered that the sleep issue might be different 2nd time round? You may not get PND? You need to talk this through and also let him know how heart broken you feel.