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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I wrong for shouting? Or is DH being U? Please tell me.

55 replies

AibuOrIsHe · 15/10/2013 12:20

I'm 37wks pregnant. My husband was away all summer so I was doing everything around the house and looking after our 2 children under 6 years old. His dad was ill and then died when he went to be with him and the funeral for 6 weeks.

When he came back (mid September) I thought he would help me get the house in shape for the baby. A bit of painting, sorting out drawers and taking old baby clothes from the attic. He hasn't done anything. He'll get the grocery shopping sometimes and has dropped dd to school in the morning about 5 times since he's been back. Hell also cook once or twice a week but even then I'm the one finishing up and washing the dishes.

Last week he emptied the bins (his only job in the house I really do expect him to do) and left a black bin bag filled with rubbish in the kitchen. It stunk. I have pgp and can't lift up heavy things. I've been asking him for 6 days to throw that bin in the green bin outside and he keeps making excuses like its raining or let it fill up a bit.

This morning was our bin collection day. I text him from bed when he was downstairs to throw the bins out and he said ok. I went to sleep thinking he'd done them.

This morning I woke up and the fuckinh bins and the recycling is still in the fucking kitchen. So I shout up at him he hasn't thrown the bins out. I admittedly when ballistic but didnt shout or anything I just started crying and packed up the heavy bin and dragged it outside myself at 7.30am whilst trying to control my crying. He heard me and got pissed off and started saying I was a barking like a dog and he said he'd do them and then snatched the second bag from my hand and went and got the recycling stuff and put it out.

I couldn't stop crying and dd wasn't getting ready for school. I waited until 8.30 and she was still upstairs playing. He was in the shower and didnt even attempt to get her ready. So I screamed at her from downstairs to get ready. 5 mins later she came down and ate breakfast. He came down at 8.45 and said some horrible things to me about controlling my mouth and I'm a bitch to our children and I have bad way of talking. Really horrible stuff. Then he swore at my dead mum for raising me like a bitch and took my dd and dropped her off to school. I admit, when he swore at my mum I said the same thing back to him as he was leaving.

Then he came back home and told me to pack his bags and hell take them this evening.

Since then we've exchanged messages and he's called me a bitch and hates me. I haven't sworn at him once but I have kept reminding him how he told our dd last Sunday that I had died when I was in Boots buying stuff for my hospital bag. My dd had run inside and said it loudly that daddy had told her I had died and she looked upset. I was so embarrassed and everyone was looking At us. I am so upset.

What kind of man tells his 5 year old her mum is dead? Then he's telling me I need to control my mouth when talking to my children? I have started shouting at them I know that but I'm so stressed out. The house is a mess. How can I bring a baby home in mess?

I haven't said anything to him apart from shout that he hadnt put the bins out. Sorry it's so long. I'm so angry and crying right now.

I have a midwife appointment to get to now so ill reply when I'm back. Thanks for reading I know it's stupidly long.

OP posts:
OohDoctorDarcy · 15/10/2013 12:23

Talk to MW, phone women's aid & LTB (or let him leave anyway).

Has it always been like this or just since he came back?

Retroformica · 15/10/2013 12:30

He needs to leave. He sounds like an unsupportive selfish twit. A poor example to your kids. Yes you lost it but obviously you are finding things very hard at the moment

neolara · 15/10/2013 12:31

Blimey. Is he usually like this? If so, I would be seriously thinking about your long term future together. If this is completely out of character, I would probably put it down to grief and cut him some slack.

FeckOffCupofBatBlood · 15/10/2013 12:35

Then he came back home and told me to pack his bags and hell take them this evening

Pack them and leave them outside the front door and change the locks. He is an utter bastard, he told your 5 year old that you were dead, he would not be seeing her again outside of a supervised contact centre for a very long time if that was my child.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 15/10/2013 12:37

Why on earth would he tell your child you were dead?

let him pack his own fucking bags and be on his way.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/10/2013 12:42

he told our dd last Sunday that I had died when I was in Boots buying stuff for my hospital bag. My dd had run inside and said it loudly that daddy had told her I had died and she looked upset.

Shock Who says that to his DD? And he's been home since that? Too right he should be out. Stop texting, don't bother packing his stuff just drop it outside. Unbelievable.

DoJo · 15/10/2013 12:42

HIBU - he sounds worse than useless and as for telling your daughter that you had died - words fail me. What a cruel thing to do to both of you.

CatAmongThePigeons · 15/10/2013 12:43

Tell him to pack his own bags and fuck off.

pianodoodle · 15/10/2013 12:44

I can understand why you got mad!

Why do you have to pack his bags for him though? Surely he has arms and legs himself!

Calloh · 15/10/2013 12:44

Jesus, he's awful. Absolutely awful!

He can pack his own bags for starters. Or you pack them to make it quick and easy but you don't need him.

Telling your DD you're dead is hugely wrong on a massive scale.

Telling you you are a bitch and a bad mother is hugely wrong (everyone loses it from time to time with their children and you sound pretty patient).

Swearing at your dead mother is disgusting and spiteful.

Not putting the bins out after so long shows a lack of teamwork and empathy and an awful lot of petulance.

Not helping you around the house shows a whole load of laziness if he is able to.

He doesn't sound like a partner and if he's not a partner and not very nice what do you actually get from this? It doesn't sound like hems a good father. Let him leave.

Poor girl, what a thing to have hour partner be a dick like this at such a time.

Original poster
AibuOrIsHe · 15/10/2013 12:44

I've tried to be understanding about his dad dying. He wasn't very close to him so I knew it must have been harder to deal with the death than if you were closer to a parent because at least you have no things left unsaid when you're close.

On Sunday morning we had breakfast and I made him his favourite because he asked for it. It was a lovely morning and we were generally talking about marriages and I said to him for a joke that I had to train him to get him to the level he is at now to help me around the house. Maybe that offended him? His mood changed when I said that. And I told him to lighten up.

Ds was playing up on Sunday at the shops and crying so DH had to go outside with him because he was screaming. He keeps saying it was a joke. I don't find it funny because my mum died when I was young and his mums dead too...how on earth could he think of that as a joke? He grew up without a mum himself. Sad. Stupid stupid man.

OP posts:
Calloh · 15/10/2013 12:45

Sorry for all my typos.

Calloh · 15/10/2013 12:49

I think he's probably not expecting you to let home leave.

But do, it's never a joke to say to a child that their mother has died.

Of course grief is tough but his behaviour is not at all acceptable. Was he like this before?

Don't give I'm to this manipulation, he needs to realise he's behaved dreadfully, pack his bags let him realise that.

pianodoodle · 15/10/2013 12:54

I agree with calloh if him threatening to leave is some big nasty bluff you should call it.

YoureBeingADick · 15/10/2013 12:54

kick him out. you don't need this shit and you know it. you probably knew it before you got pregnant with his third child aswell. he's an asshole. i'd be very surprised if this is sudden change in personality but only you know that. if he's always been like this then stop accepting it.

RevelsRoulette · 15/10/2013 12:58

Normally I'd say tell him to pack his own bloody bags but in this case I think it's worth shoving his stuff in cases and lobbing them out the bloody door.

Alisvolatpropiis · 15/10/2013 12:59

I sincerely hope you know you're not being unreasonable!

He is being a total knob.

jacks365 · 15/10/2013 13:03

Let him leave.

My marriage broke up while I was pregnant and with two under three and quite honestly my life became easier. It is hard I won't deny but he is probably causing far more work and effort for you than your new baby will. Yes he's an adult in theory but some adults can be more trying than children. You do not need this stress and will be much stronger without him.

FunnyRunner · 15/10/2013 13:08

Call his bluff, pack his bags, leave them outside.

He will probably huff, puff, storm off and creep back in a few days.

He may be struggling over the death of his dad, especially if they had a difficult relationship (mourning the relationship they never had). When the dust has settled a bit I would point out that he is in danger of repeating the cycle with his own children.

One question: you say he went away to be with his dad. Was this in another country? And if so is it one where men are treated like princelings? Because if so he may have been waited on hand and foot for a few weeks by the women and taken a fancy to it. Finding his bags packed might give him a bit of a reality check there too.

MrsTomHardy · 15/10/2013 13:18

Call his bluff and pack his bags.
He seriously needs a kick up the backside!
What a knob!!

Llanbobl · 15/10/2013 13:19

He wants his bags packed??? Cheek of the man. However, just this once I'd oblige him. Leave the bags outside the locked door. Do not engage with him when he shouts and screams and acts like a tantrumming 2 year old.
He wants to go........call his bluff. However call his mother now and tell her (politely) what a twisted fuck of a son she has raised who would treat a woman this way.

humphryscorner · 15/10/2013 13:28

He is being totally out of order.

I would have not put up with that when I was pregnant or any other time.

If it was me I would tell him to get lost and piss off .Saying that your dd is just inexcusable.

(( hugs))

Sounder · 15/10/2013 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

EldritchCleavage · 15/10/2013 13:45

Take your own advice, Sounder.

TooOldForGlitter · 15/10/2013 13:46

Oh do fuck off, Sounder

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