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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I wrong for shouting? Or is DH being U? Please tell me.

55 replies

AibuOrIsHe · 15/10/2013 12:20

I'm 37wks pregnant. My husband was away all summer so I was doing everything around the house and looking after our 2 children under 6 years old. His dad was ill and then died when he went to be with him and the funeral for 6 weeks.

When he came back (mid September) I thought he would help me get the house in shape for the baby. A bit of painting, sorting out drawers and taking old baby clothes from the attic. He hasn't done anything. He'll get the grocery shopping sometimes and has dropped dd to school in the morning about 5 times since he's been back. Hell also cook once or twice a week but even then I'm the one finishing up and washing the dishes.

Last week he emptied the bins (his only job in the house I really do expect him to do) and left a black bin bag filled with rubbish in the kitchen. It stunk. I have pgp and can't lift up heavy things. I've been asking him for 6 days to throw that bin in the green bin outside and he keeps making excuses like its raining or let it fill up a bit.

This morning was our bin collection day. I text him from bed when he was downstairs to throw the bins out and he said ok. I went to sleep thinking he'd done them.

This morning I woke up and the fuckinh bins and the recycling is still in the fucking kitchen. So I shout up at him he hasn't thrown the bins out. I admittedly when ballistic but didnt shout or anything I just started crying and packed up the heavy bin and dragged it outside myself at 7.30am whilst trying to control my crying. He heard me and got pissed off and started saying I was a barking like a dog and he said he'd do them and then snatched the second bag from my hand and went and got the recycling stuff and put it out.

I couldn't stop crying and dd wasn't getting ready for school. I waited until 8.30 and she was still upstairs playing. He was in the shower and didnt even attempt to get her ready. So I screamed at her from downstairs to get ready. 5 mins later she came down and ate breakfast. He came down at 8.45 and said some horrible things to me about controlling my mouth and I'm a bitch to our children and I have bad way of talking. Really horrible stuff. Then he swore at my dead mum for raising me like a bitch and took my dd and dropped her off to school. I admit, when he swore at my mum I said the same thing back to him as he was leaving.

Then he came back home and told me to pack his bags and hell take them this evening.

Since then we've exchanged messages and he's called me a bitch and hates me. I haven't sworn at him once but I have kept reminding him how he told our dd last Sunday that I had died when I was in Boots buying stuff for my hospital bag. My dd had run inside and said it loudly that daddy had told her I had died and she looked upset. I was so embarrassed and everyone was looking At us. I am so upset.

What kind of man tells his 5 year old her mum is dead? Then he's telling me I need to control my mouth when talking to my children? I have started shouting at them I know that but I'm so stressed out. The house is a mess. How can I bring a baby home in mess?

I haven't said anything to him apart from shout that he hadnt put the bins out. Sorry it's so long. I'm so angry and crying right now.

I have a midwife appointment to get to now so ill reply when I'm back. Thanks for reading I know it's stupidly long.

OP posts:
jester68 · 15/10/2013 13:48

SOUNDER wtf????

He told their DD her mummy was dead.
HE was swearing at her and insulting OP's dead mother
He copuldn't be assed to put rubbish out
He doesn't want to help her prepare for their baby who is due very soon

And it is all OP's fault because...?

TheSeaPriestess · 15/10/2013 13:48

Is that you, OP's twat of a 'partner'? You are a cunt if so.

OP that must have been awful. There are NO excuses for treating you like that EVER let alone 37wks pg! Pack his bags and focus on you and your babies.

Alisvolatpropiis · 15/10/2013 13:48

Are you the husband Sounder?

PrimalLass · 15/10/2013 13:48

I remember you from before. He was an arse then too. I would let him leave.

KittyShcherbatskaya · 15/10/2013 13:53

What SeaPriestess said. Please ignore the unhelpful comment OP. You are not in the wrong here and are not BU.

Sounder · 15/10/2013 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

TheRobberBride · 15/10/2013 13:55

Honestly? I would call his bluff and let him leave. He sounds vile. What does he add to your life?

I am a single Mum to two young children. It's hard but not nearly so hard as being in a toxic relationship. I don't regret leaving.

Sounder · 15/10/2013 13:55

This reply has been deleted

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Calloh · 15/10/2013 13:56

Ah, Sounder, I saw you on another thread and thought you sounded a total knobber a little unhinged.

It is pleasant to have my suspicions confirmed.

MrsOakenshield · 15/10/2013 13:57

so you are the OP's twat of a partner, then? Because that's who TheSeaPriestess called a cunt.

Original poster
AibuOrIsHe · 15/10/2013 13:58

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I've packed his bags before and he left but then he came back a few days later...that was about 2 years ago. Even he has admitted that we're just living together and passing time. The thing is, is that this is my dads house. If anyone is going to leave it has to be him. I won't pack his bags. I have enough to do already.

It doesn't help that his family have never accepted me. His sister hates me so much that she never came to visit our dd when she was born or our DS. My Dd doesn't even know her dad has a sister.

Things have been so good for the past year or so. He's changed since he came back from abroad. funnyrunner my answer to ur question is simply "yes".

OP posts:
Calloh · 15/10/2013 13:58

You have insulted by being rude (which is what you were when you said the OP needed to control her mouth).

I suspect that you are a goady sort of person who is probably best ignored, if not that then filled with self-righteousness and unlikely to change your mind.

StanleyLambchop · 15/10/2013 13:58

Sounder- so why is the OP's DH not included in your lovely little lesson on how to treat people? Is it ok for him to insult his wife , and her dead mother, because he is not shrieking at her whilst saying it? Presumably he was speaking to his DD as a person when he told her her mother was dead 'for a joke'?

Calloh · 15/10/2013 14:00

Sorry, above post was to Sounder.

Good on you AIBU for letting the idiot sort himself out.

But for sheer taking the wind out of his sails I would be tempted to leave his stuff outside your door.

RevelsRoulette · 15/10/2013 14:03

Seriously?

He does practically nothing around the house, leaving it all to a 37wk pregnant woman. He leaves household waste in the kitchen for a week, despite knowing the OP would really physically struggle to move it. He didn't take it out on bin day despite being reminded right there and then and only did it in a strop when she actually tried to drag it herself, despite her problem. He didn't lift a finger to help his child get ready for school, preferring to just sort himself out and ignore everything else. he didn't care that she was upset. he called her a bitch and a range of other vile stuff. He insulted her late mother. He says he hates the OP. - And he has previously told their 5 year old daughter the OP is DEAD. As a 'joke' Hmm oh ha ha did you hear the one where your mum is dead. teeheehee.

And you are focusing on her raising her voice as the problem here?

Original poster
AibuOrIsHe · 15/10/2013 14:04

sounder yes I have been shrieking and shouting more than usual lately. I'm not proud. I'm closer to giving birth and the midwife has told me the head is engaged by 3/5 so i know its going to happen any day now. But I'd never talk badly about my dh to my children. Ever. My dd was upset when she came running into the shop. She knows what death is because I've told her about my mum.

It's like he's feeling guilty of what he's said to me, but doesn't want to apologise or admit he was wrong. He's acting like a child and trying to make excuses that I'm shouting and being a bitch.

OP posts:
sparkle12mar08 · 15/10/2013 14:13

If you don't want to pack his bags, then don't. Just chuck his stuff straight out the window into the garden - and get the locks changed today. Yes an emergency locksmith will cost you, but bloody hell, I'd be calling the selfish bastard's bluff, I really would.

ShowMeYourTARDIS · 15/10/2013 16:17

Death can affect people in funny ways. Even though they weren't close, he was still your DH's dad. When my brother died I lashed out in a similar way. We weren't close and it was very much expected.

YANBU, OP. What he said was very cruel and he needs to apologize. But please remember he just lost his dad and is grieving. Can you talk to someone together?

YoureBeingADick · 15/10/2013 16:24

Ok dont pack his bags. Just call a locksmith and change the locks before he gets home.

FunnyRunner · 15/10/2013 16:30

OP I guessed that :( I've seen it before where men from quite patriarchal countries live here, adapt to our norms (helping with housework etc) and then go home for a period where they are waited on hand and foot. It undoes years worth of training... Your comment to him about training him probably put his back up because a) he realised it was true and b) he probably enjoyed being served while he was back home and has picked up a bit of 'Who does she think she is?' attitude Hmm

Still, now he's back home and living in the real world Hmm I would do yourself a favour and pack his bag with a few bits and bobs. He will back in a few days with his tail between his legs and this time you need to tell him simply that if he EVER pulls this shit again he can fuck off and not come back.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/10/2013 16:34

Even he has admitted that we're just living together and passing time.

Bereavement is awful but sounds like the problems pre-dated his father being ill.

Mia4 · 15/10/2013 16:36

Op he sounds toxic and he is only going to stay the same or get worse. He said himself that you are both just passing the time being together which is a) highly offensive because he is assigning he can and will do.better and fully intends to do so b) shows a massive lack of responsibility by having several children with someone that he intends to dump when it suits him andc) sshould be one of the biggest red flags to showing you that you need to take control back in this relationship and put yourself and the kids before someone do toxic.

You are playing a waiting game op- one he wins, retaining full control over parts of you, if you wait around for him to end it.

Would you be happy if one of your dc brought home a partner like this? What advice would you give them?

Do you have any support? Consider talking to your midwife for advice on this, please. If you want to fully be in control then, stuff some of hid clothes in bin bags and chuck them outside. Get a deadlock put on for which he has no key and lock it. Remove your half from your joint account and freeze any joint credit cards you have.

Original poster
AibuOrIsHe · 15/10/2013 17:48

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply everyone.

FunnyRunner, I think you're right with how he's become too relaxed being waited on hand and foot over there. And seeing as his family hate me, they probably rubbed it in too.

Mia4 I know that my family would support me if things got worse. I've already been told by my brothers and sister last time not to keep things hidden away.

He's just phoned me from work and sounded remorseful. He didnt mention this morning and only phoned to tell me he may not be able to make it to Dd's parents evening but he's trying to find someone to cover his work. I suppose that means he's coming home tonight and not packing his bags to leave. This is typical of him. He'll never apologise but he'll become remorseful ad subdued when he knows he's in the wrong.

In my anger today I've painted the bathroom ceiling which has been left for months and months and when the kids are asleep ill paint the hall way ceiling too. I hate him so much right now.

OP posts:
RevelsRoulette · 15/10/2013 17:56

Are you not going to say to him "I thought you were leaving?"

You dont have to go along with him sweeping everything under the carpet. What would happen if you said that you wanted to discuss it?

Squitten · 15/10/2013 18:01

But you reminded him that that's irrelevant because he's leaving, right?

Why are you putting up with all this crap?