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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want BIL to stay?

49 replies

frenchfries22 · 14/10/2013 14:54

BIl has no job cannot work due to visa restrictions. since we moved to the same area as us he had started sleeping on our sofa, turning up whenever he pleased expecting us to get up and let him in, leaves iron on floor still hot (we have 2yo) razors easily reachable, plugs in two phones and a laptop to charge, spends over an hour in the shower you get the picture this went on for a year and a half caused major issues between me and DH since he felt we couldn't turn him away.He went to stay with his Girlfriend after the police turned up one day with him in handcuffs and i couldn't take it anymore. He has now turned up today with DH saying he is staying again am i unreasonable to be so frustrated DH thinks i am heartless

OP posts:
LifeofPo · 14/10/2013 14:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CailinDana · 14/10/2013 14:57

Yanbu.

Frostedloop · 14/10/2013 14:57

Show him the door, kids don't need to see a waste of space like that and your hubby needs to grow a pair or leave too.

FeministPixie · 14/10/2013 14:57

he's a health and safety risk to your kids and an inconsiderate guest, YANBU

KirjavaTheCorpse · 14/10/2013 15:00

Yanbu. It's your home as well as your husband's. You have a right to a say in who stays and who doesn't.

AMumInScotland · 14/10/2013 15:02

Tell your DH that there is no way in Hell that a man who doesn't give a shit about your child's safety is staying in your house. Who is heartless here? The one who leaves hot irons on the floor, the one who lets him, or the one who says that's just not happening.

mummymeister · 14/10/2013 15:03

there is no one on here that is going to think you are being unreasonable. you gave him a chance. he is a h and s risk to your children. emotional blackmail on your husband. both men are grown up and should grow some. do not under any circumstances have him back in the house and tell them both this together. its the bil or you.

Original poster
frenchfries22 · 14/10/2013 15:05

ive had a major strop to DH about it and been told again i'm heartless BIL has just turned up and can hear them talking about me, they speak a different language but clear its about me moaning. i am not trying to stop him gave a relationship with DD just dont want him here we live in a tiny apartment and after work i just want to relax in my pjs not worry about him being there.
thank you so much for the support sometimes think maybe i am heartless

OP posts:
DoJo · 14/10/2013 15:08

It's a tricky one as you and your husband should both have equal say as to who stays in your house, but I think your BIL has proved himself irresponsible enough to warrant your feelings.

Can you reach a compromise? Insist that your husband is solely responsible for his brother's behaviour while he is there, in terms of making sure all hazards are out of the way and laying down the law about time spent in the shower, as well as a limit on how long he can stay. I would also stipulate that any dealing with the law means an instant end to his welcome and that he has to let you know his movements in advance and not turn up unexpectedly.

It's not fair that you and your husband should be rowing about this, but I can understand that family loyalty to someone you grew up with is hard to ignore, even when you do have good reason. If you could work together instead of against each other then you can present a united front which will hopefully make your BIL more likely to fall into line.

YouTheCat · 14/10/2013 15:12

He's been your houseguest before and his behaviour was a bit crap. If your dh doesn't like this fact, suggest he goes with his brother to find somewhere for him to live.

complexnumber · 14/10/2013 15:16

It's rude to speak a language you do not understand in your own house, especially if they may be talking about you!

poppingin1 · 14/10/2013 15:19

Your DH is an idiot because he is not thinking about the welfare of your two year old. This isn't just about taking into consideration your feelings, but also about what effect this is having on your child.

AMumInScotland · 14/10/2013 15:19

I would go in and talk to them, if you can tell they are talking about you in their own language then they are being extremely rude.

"BIL You leave hot irons and sharp razors where my child can reach them. Why do you think this is ok? Husband - why do you think your brothers feelings are more important than our child's safety? I want you both to tell me why you think I am the one at fault in this, because I do not believe I am being unfair"

Make them engage with you. Make them think about it.

Original poster
frenchfries22 · 14/10/2013 15:25

i have suggested before that he move out and live with him its got so bad. i think what bothers me the most is the lack of respect he just helps himself never asks etc. i pay the rent and feel like i'm being used he doesn't even talk to me though to be fair i am not exactly friendly just so uncomfortable when he just turns up. We are from very different cultures normally not an issue but this is stressing me out way too much DH feels stuck in middle

OP posts:
Original poster
frenchfries22 · 14/10/2013 15:28

on the safety issue i do not let DD out of my sight when he is here and go round checking everything, her safety is my priority for sure

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 14/10/2013 15:29

Some of it can be down to cultural expectations, and I can see why your DH finds it difficult to challenge on things like charging his laptop and phones. But safety is not negotiable and he needs to use that as a solid fact when dealing with his brother, even if he finds the rest of it problematic.

You maybe also need to sit down with your husband and agree some rules - this is your house as much as his (at least as much if you pay the rent) so he can't just act as if he is 'head of the household' or whatever his culture expects.

FeministPixie · 14/10/2013 15:35

the safety thing isn't negotiable one bit. As you pay the rent I'd be inclined to tell them both to piss off.

TheBigJessie · 14/10/2013 15:44

Morally it's simple. He can't be bothered to sacrifice a second of time to attend to basic H&S for your child's sake, so why should you bother to sacrifice your personal comfort and allow him in your home.

But you need to believe that with heart and soul, in order to be able to insist on it to your husband.

It concerns me that your husband is still taking his brother's side without sharing your point of view regarding hot irons. Is this simply his general, cultural attitude to safety, or a blind spot about his brother?

YouTheCat · 14/10/2013 15:45

So your husband expects you to 'police' your bil and pick up after him?

Just no. No way.

fuzzywuzzy · 14/10/2013 15:52

ex expected me to put up with his grown up nephew like this indefinitely.

It got really bad and my comfort and choice appeared not to even register on ex's radar.
In the end I just locked the nephew out, ex had another property he was renting out nearby and his nephew went and stayed there (free of charge).

I am very glad I did lock him out, I had a tiny house I was expected to wait on nephew hand and foot, I had never met a lazier man in my life and I was taking care of two children and working at the same time. My only regret was that I ever let him set foot in my house in the first place.

I'd tell him to his face to leave, what's the worst that could happen?

Original poster
frenchfries22 · 14/10/2013 15:57

i dont think it could get much worse been pulled out of the bedroom by DH shouting at me to tell BIL what i am like have no compassion on and on BIL just smirking i managed to say that there is n9 respect for me or my feelings or most importantly safety DH is obviously more concerned about BIL not me and has well and truly shown his true self, now what to do i cant carry on like this no family here

OP posts:
Wibblypiglikesbananas · 14/10/2013 16:01

Where are you? Which cultures are we talking about?

If you're the one paying the rent, I'd be tempted to leave and set up alone. Leave your manchild DH and his equally juvenile brother behind to sort themselves out.

FeministPixie · 14/10/2013 16:32

aww frenchfries!

BEING PHYSICALLY PULLED OUT OF YOUR ROOM is not on. it is assault.

FeministPixie · 14/10/2013 16:34

if the contract for your flat is in your name only, and you pay the rent, then they should leave. Especially if DH is using physical force.

DameDeepRedBetty · 14/10/2013 16:38

OP I suggest you repost into Relationships and also in Legal Matters. Things seem very very wrong indeed.

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