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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get really annoyed that this woman keeps making patronising comments about my clothes and appearance?

66 replies

ChilliDoritos · 14/10/2013 14:23

There is a mum at my DCs school who makes a beeline for me every day at drop off and pick up. She seems generally nice enough and our 6 year olds are friends, and I'm always happy to have a chat, but she constantly makes patronising comments about my appearance and what I'm wearing, and it's really starting to irritate me.

It's always things that have a little sting in the tail. Usually started with her going 'Ooo-ooh' like you would to a child that you thought looked smart or who had a posh new party frock on. And then it's followed by 'have you done your make up differently? you look really glamorous today?' or 'Oooh I like that top, it's nice to see you in something pretty'. This morning I had a denim jacket on and she started saying 'Ooh-ooh, I like this' and tugging away at it, and she then pulled the label out at the nape of the neck, said the brand really loudly and said 'never heard of that brand before'.

I don't know if it's her way of complimentary and she sometimes comes across badly, or if she's genuinely being passive aggressive, but either way it's really becoming annoying.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsWolowitz · 14/10/2013 14:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mabelface · 14/10/2013 14:27

Smile sweetly and ask her if she would like some style tips as she's so interested in your look.

Felyne · 14/10/2013 14:27

YANBU. That would annoy me.

Davsmum · 14/10/2013 14:28

If you don't like it - You don't like it! Its not unreasonable to not like something.
She just sounds a bit forward and in your face type of person. Its just he rpersonality so either tell he you don't like it - or avoid her.

Original poster
ChilliDoritos · 14/10/2013 14:29

Very difficult to avoid her without looking a complete cow, as we normally stand in the same area at pick up. I'll just have to put up with it, and try to limit the amount of time I chat to her for.

OP posts:
WhatHo · 14/10/2013 14:30

I had a friend who did this and it's really bloody irritating. With her I think it stemmed from insecurity as when I started to complement her back she did it less. I think I was wasn't playing the 'you look nice, no YOU look nice' game properly! Or maybe it made her realise she was being OTT? Confused I'm useless at this kind of shit.

...Though it doesn't matter who you are: if you pull the label out of the back of my top without my permission, I am going to scream in your face and karate chop you to the floor.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 14/10/2013 14:30

I'd be annoyed. Not sure how I would stop her doing it though. As it's getting colder, you can get away with wearing a big coat over whatever you have on, done up so that once she's commented on the coat once, she hasn't got much else to say!

Something I can't put my finger on annoys me about the school run. I avoid talking to other parents where possible by doing the drop and run in the morning at the last minute and only arriving just as they are chucking the DC out. I am antisocial at the moment though (putting it down to pregnancy hormones but have never been a big fan of chatting to other parents on the school run tbh!)

itsnothingoriginal · 14/10/2013 14:32

Sounds like she's trying to compliment you but maybe its not coming out in the right way! I know I'm quite awkward when giving compliments so I can kind of understand its possible not to get it right without sounding weird or stalky sometimes.

Give her the benefit of the doubt and maybe try it back - maybe she's trying to get you to compliment her in a strange kind of way..? She could be very under-confident about her own appearance?

nicename · 14/10/2013 14:33

Maybe she is just crap at small talk but wants to be friendly. Telling someone that their hair, clothes, shoes etc are nice is one easy opener but maybe she just can't follow through very well!

It doesn't sound nasty, just a bit odd.

Original poster
ChilliDoritos · 14/10/2013 14:34

I get the impression she looks down on others that don't look as up-to-the-minute as she does; she works for a fashion retailer and so gets clothes from there with a staff discount they are normally vastly overpriced. I think that's what makes me think she's being a bit smug and patronising, rather than genuine, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Sukebind · 14/10/2013 14:34

I don't think YABU - especially about having your clothes pulled about. It's certainly no fun being commented upon like that every day. The thing is - what can you do about it? You can't prove she is being passive-aggressive, even if she is, and it may be that she genuinely thinks this is a good way to start a conversation. As your children are friends and you have to see her every day you can't really have a go. Perhaps just deter such attention by responding to a compliment/query with a curt brief response followed by a complete change of topic.

WhatHo · 14/10/2013 14:35

....Then I would scream in her face ands karate chop her to the floor. She won't do it again, that's for sure.

BarnYardCow · 14/10/2013 14:36

I'd check her label tomorrow!

perceptionreality · 14/10/2013 14:37

I would hate this - YANBU! I would be cold towards her. She'll get the message (hopefully!)

EldritchCleavage · 14/10/2013 14:40

It sounds like an annoying habit of hers that is probably something she does with most people, and I would try to ignore it.

However, I think actually being touched is over the line, frankly. You really don't have to put up with anyone tugging your clothes about, and really no one should be so pushy and nosy about what brands other people are wearing.

nicename · 14/10/2013 14:40

You will know by her tone what she is like though.

I suggest turning up tomorrow in your PJs, Uggs and museli in your hair/between your teeth.

itsnothingoriginal · 14/10/2013 14:40

Yes, does sound like her comments are more loaded then! Ignore, change the subject or comment back and refer the focus back to her every time. Hopefully she'll go off on one about the latest fashions and forget all about what you are wearing Grin

Original poster
ChilliDoritos · 14/10/2013 14:43

I meant to add too that the denim jacket I had on this morning was just a bog standard denim jacket from Primark that I've had for yonks. It really was nothing special and I've worn it before loads of times.

OP posts:
TheBigJessie · 14/10/2013 14:44

If you feel certain she's being snide, then smile broadly, and I mean broadly and say, oooh, I know, in the manner of Sybil Fawlty. Then drone on about where you got it from, how gorgeous/quaint/vintage it is, the best places to get such things, your favourite shops, etc.

Finish off by saying, very brightly, that you're going to try it with a glossy red lip/a hip trouser. Anything. It just has to be a painful singularisation of a noun that's normally plural.

Caution: if she's genuine, the above could encourage her.

TheBigJessie · 14/10/2013 14:47

And literally buttonhole her if she tries to escape!

EssexGurl · 14/10/2013 14:51

There is a mum like this at school who does this to me. The best was when she said to her DH on the phone "I am just walking in with EssexGurl. She is wearing makeup and actually looks quite pretty".

I have gradually withdrawn - standing in a slightly different position, talking to someone else if I see her. She is a bit hysterical in a lot of ways - she works don't you know? Like no one else has ever worked and had children. Once I realised that she was a drama queen and needed to put others down to feel better about herself, it made it easier to disassociate.

Davsmum · 14/10/2013 15:03

I usually find people like her amusing. I wouldn't take it personally or get annoyed and I wouldn't care about looking like a right cow if I avoided her. Life is too short to bother with people who drive you nuts.

DoJo · 14/10/2013 15:03

Could you get in first and compliment her in the same way she does to you? That way you aren't being a cow, but you are kind of stealing her 'comment' thunder and she'll have to make more of an effort to come up with something to say about you or reconsider how her comments come across. Or just say 'I'd have thought you would have got used to how fabulous I look by now!' with a big grin so that you are acknowledging her constant comments but not being remotely bitchy.

WhatHo · 14/10/2013 15:06

PS I don't really karate chop people much

FWIW, if anyone tries to grab my tab, I writhe away and say 'keep your hands off the goods' in an exaggerated way. I'll say it with a big smile, but anyone with an ounce of sense knows I'm being Dead Serious.

SaskiaRembrandtVampireHunter · 14/10/2013 15:08

One of the mums I used to see on the school run used to critique other mums' outfits. On one occasion she chased me up the road to tell me my skirt was slightly transparent when the sun was in front of me, so not at all suitable for the playground Hmm

I don't think she meant to be unpleasant, she just didn't seem very good at relating to people.