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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell the MIL I'm pregnant by Facebook message?

55 replies

ShootMyMIL · 13/10/2013 16:34

Namechanged as this will out me

Found out I'm pregnant a couple of week ago, OH is against having baby and wants me to get rid. I've decided that I'm keeping it.

I don't get on with MIL but think that she has a right to know that she has a grandchild on the way.

I told her via Facebook message as this is the only way I have of contacting her.

She's now messaged me a lot of abuse, telling me I have to get rid as her son doesn't want it. She's now taken it upon herself to spread around everyone that I'm forcing her son to commit his life to this.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 13/10/2013 17:56

Erm, at the risk of pointing out the obvious, she doesn't have a grandchild yet - if you'd actually had the baby and he still hadn't got round to telling his mum, then yes, you owuld have been reasonable to do this. But at 10 weeks, before you'd even had the 12 week scan, really early. You clearly didn't contact her because you wanted her to know, you wanted her to pressure her DS into being supportive, or to get her excited.

As someone who's had a miscarriage at 11 weeks, I strongly, strongly recommend you don't tell anyone else until after your 12 week scan unless they are someone who you would want to support you/support your 'D'P if it was bad news at the scan.

I do feel for you, if you are feeling pressure from your DP to abort, then I can see why you'd want to make it "real" by announcing early, the logic being the more people who know you are having a baby, the harder it is to quietly have an abortion and move on.

However, now keep it quiet, get your booking in appointment with the midwife, get your scan date through. There's a good chance you'll be doing this on your own, think carefully about if you can do this on your own, it is highly unlikely you can strong-arm him into being supportive, no matter how much you want to.

Think carefully, your relationship with your DP is probably over with now, if you did abort, you'd hate him for it and no relationship can survive that, if you go through with the pregnancy against his wishes, he might stick around for a bit, but don't be surprised if long term it doesn't work once the tough parts of parenthood kick in. Is this something you want to do on your own?

HungryHorace · 13/10/2013 18:00

Doesn't the OP mean she sent her a private FB message, so akin to email, rather than by public FB announcement? If so, then that is reasonable to me.

If she wrote a message on her wall then that wouldn't be, IMO.

They sound like a delightful family, it has to be said.

IneedAsockamnesty · 13/10/2013 18:07

Hmm the op didn't say she publicly announced nor did she say she's engaging in any games.

She also gave no indication she told her for any spiteful or passive aggressive reasons.

HappyMummyOfOne · 13/10/2013 18:14

The FB message was very wrong, how can you not tell her in person? Surely you know a telephone number or address given your close relationship with her son?

If you didnt use contraception then its both of your faults, if it failed then understandably the other person has the right to their opinion. Men have no say at all in deciding to keep a baby and some are very responsible and do take precautions.

If you are going to be a parent then you need to be a grown up, no being a teenager on facebook doing tit for tat. Your parents are right that you are likely to end up on your own and need to cope with that. They are being responsible from the start and telling you they wont be doing the looking after for you.

holidaysarenice · 13/10/2013 18:17

Keep that message, she will come crawling back. She will also probably deny she ever sent it.

everlong · 13/10/2013 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

everlong · 13/10/2013 18:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 13/10/2013 18:24

Do you live with him?

What are you going to do about your relationship?

I don't think you should have bothered to tell her actually and I think you should get as far away from him as you can. Bring this baby up on your own and hopefully one day meet someone nice.

BramshawHill · 13/10/2013 18:29

You said you don't want her to have contact with the baby, but you want her to know it exists? What would that achieve if not to just rub it in her face?

I'd have no more contact with any of them until the baby is born, in which case your ex can decide whether to be a dad or not.

moominleigh94 · 13/10/2013 18:35

Letting someone so heavily involved know about it through Facebook is ridiculous, and your age/it being unplanned isn't an excuse. I'm 19 and 11 weeks pregnant with an unplanned baby, and we would never have considered telling people via Facebook. I knew my parents would be angry, but I faced up to it like the adult you have to become when you're going to be a parent.

I'm going to stop the sanctimonious "I did it this way" now, but seriously - you're treating it like some kind of playground spat. It's the sort of thing you do at 13 with friends, not 19 with your baby's grandmother. She's not your MIL, she's your (ex?) partner's mum, but she has a right to be told at the right time by the right person for the right reasons - not because you're sulking about your boyfriend's reaction, and want her to convince him to let you have your way.

She's immature in spreading it around, but something tells me there's more to this story than you're letting on. Sounds like faults on all sides, but it's not an ideal situation to bring a baby into by any stretch of the imagination.

I'm not going to say anything about you being pregnant as it'd obviously be hypocritical of me, but for the way you told her and your reasons, YABU.

Original poster
ShootMyMIL · 13/10/2013 18:40

Last time I saw her face to face I got a load of abuse and really couldn't face that again, hence the private message on Facebook.

Live with my grandparents who have said they won't kick me out but they aren't going to be on tap babysitters

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 13/10/2013 18:48

Well I must be a very childish person playing tit for tat Facebook games as well then op.

I told my mum something important via Facebook private message, it was yesterday and I don't much care about doing it that way.

KirjavaTheCorpse · 13/10/2013 18:54

They don't support your decision to keep your baby, his mother is being spiteful and childish - disengage from both.

everlong · 13/10/2013 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Retroformica · 13/10/2013 18:58

I think you are going to have to ignore DH and MIL and do what you feel comfortable with.

He made you pregnant. He is half responsible. He could have used protection if he didn't want a baby.

ilovebabytv · 13/10/2013 19:06

Some holier than thou and rather patronising messages on this thread. If it was your only way of contact with her then YANBU. And to the person telling you that you shouldn't tell anyone before 12 weeks - DFOD. There is NOT a minimum period that you to wait before telling anyone you are pregnant, only when you are ready be that 5 weeks or 35 weeks.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy, sounds like you are gonna need it!

everlong · 13/10/2013 19:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovebabytv · 13/10/2013 19:13

Its not a rule carved out in stone everlong, its a personal preference. Personal. Being that one person might wait until after 12 weeks, others may not. Either way is right. Or no way is wrong.

BruthasTortoise · 13/10/2013 19:14

OP AIBU was not the place to post this, it really wasn't. But since you did I'll say YANBU, the woman is going to be a grandmother she should probably know that and maybe there was a chance that she might give her son a kick up the butt - as a mother of sons I know I would. Also not sure why people have a problem with you announcing before 12 weeks, I think it's entirely up to you when you announce and if (and I'm sure it won't !) anything should happen I don't see how having told people could possibly make it worse. You are young, you don't have much support but you can be a fantastic mother to your child all by yourself if you choose to be Smile.

everlong · 13/10/2013 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BruthasTortoise · 13/10/2013 19:16

Just in case what everlong? I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks and one at 13 weeks, why would I want one of my children and one of my losses to be acknowledged but not the other?

LittleBairn · 13/10/2013 19:18

Has no one read thread? It was the only way OP has of contacting the woman. Surely it was better than waiting till she bumped into them in town pregnant or with the baby?

ilovebabytv · 13/10/2013 19:20

No LB, its too 'Jeremy Kyle', apparently far better to try and contact her in person so she can be verbally abused face to face!

LittleBairn · 13/10/2013 19:22

everlong actually plenty of people tell close family and friends before 12 weeks. For some its not a dirty secret to be kept hidden sometimes they can't wait to spread the news other times they need support.

I'm betting the OP needs support, she's pregnant and those around her are trying to force abortion on her even thought she has made her mind up to keep it.
Yet she is being berated for daring to use FB. FFS only on MN!

CoconutRing · 13/10/2013 19:24

A grandparent does not have the right to know if there is a grandchild on the way. Grandparents do not have rights.

Good luck with your pregnancy.