to say something to my mother this year or smile and silently seethe like all previous years.

[LookJohnLookJanetLook]

My mother has four children, and 9 grandchildren. (Parents are separated, my father does his own thing).

Through her own choice she never babysits and sees us all about once every other month when we go and visit her. She speaks to us most days on the phone and is happy that is the extent that she is involved in our lives.

For christmas mum gives each family £100 cash to be used during the year taking the family on a day out, she then also says to buy a token gift for the kids to open and to say it's from her (we each see her for about 15 minutes max over the Christmas period, some years my siblings won't get to see her at all, but I make sure every year that at some point we call in) and she always says she'll give us the cash for this (she never has yet).

Then throughout the year every time we go out as a family she bangs on about this being because she gave us the money at Christmas.

This £400 total is her total Christmas spend this equates to 0.16% of her annual income so it's not that she's hard up.

Would I be unreasonable this year to say that I'm using the £100 to pay for the "token" gifts and get us all something for £25 each rather than be out of pocket for the token gifts?

And if she insists that the £100 is a day out not to buy token gifts and insist she has to purchase those herself?

And this one I may be unreasonable on, explain that £100 doesn't cover the majority of days out anymore - i.e. in her mind it pays for theme parks and food and fuel - it realistically pays for the fuel to get there or the park tickets but not the whole thing?

Or should I carry on doing what I do every year - smile and say thank you for the £100, and purchase the token gift deducting it from Santa's budget?

(Sorry for such a long post)

babababoom have you read the full thread. It's not about what the OP can do with the money - it's about her mother thinking she's this wonderful, benevolent soul and this hundred quid is some kind of magic porridge pot which keeps on giving and funds every trip out the family has, when the OP and her DH are actually doing that themselves.

I get this, actually - she's uninvolved in her dgcs lives, but she preserves an illusion of interest & an undercurrent of control with this £100 thing. You might sound ungrateful, but i bet you'd be happier with her spending 60 or 70 quid on the greandkids herself. that's what it's really about - a sort of generosity tainted with indifferenc & remote control. It's hurtful.

I think her "income" is probably higher than she states, i.e. that is her earnt income, but excludes investment income.

Unfortunately the £5 spent on token gift is not enough as the kids have to really really want (her words) the token gift she is "giving" them.

Most definitely would be happy if a) she gave no cash/gift at all but took the kids out for their day out or b) asked them or me what type of thing they would like and bought them a thought about gift (whether that cost £10 or £100 is irrelevant).

It's very much the thought that counts, I feel there is no thought to count, and she wants all the credit as well.

Is she a QC or something?!

Ok so are you going to start being blunter? When she asks you to get the presents then if you feel you must do so then use the £100. Then when it comes to days out you explain you and DH have paid because you used her money to get the presents as she requested.

I can't believe this has gone on so long without anything being said by you; I wouldn't be able to stop myself!

Erm no don't say anything. Token gift could be a bar of chocolate? You sound entitled and ungrateful.

Why not suggest that instead of a present to you all, she saves her money and takes the kids for a day out, then? You could even suggest a few places. She will soon see what it costs really for a family day out. And might even enjoy being with the children, who knows?!

I do get entirely what you mean OP. It's the thought, not the money. MIL and PIL were poor as children and their children grew up being hungry and they lived poor. When PIL died we found out there was a £million in the bank - yet still she has never actually bought her grandchildren a present. She has given the money yes, but never actually bought a present and wrapped it up and actually given it. And she has called me extremely extravagant for buying a pair of cotton trousers for £59.00 and for having my hair cut every six weeks and coloured every twelve - and my DH is a QC.

I have let it irk me for 23 years of marriage now. I really wish I had said something 20 or more years ago --and definitely when she and PIL went out and bought ds a tractor in the after Christmas sales for £13, reduced from £27. His birthday is on Christmas day as well and it was a combined present. Don't let the rod for your back stand.

Oh God not the 'entitled' cliché. I've only seen this comment on MN. I think most people living in the real world would consider the OP's mother, given her circumstances, to be rather mean and parsimonious. Well, make that tight as a gnat's chuff actually.

Hmmm. Easy. Take abag of chocolate coins with you next Christmas .When she brings up the token gift matter, call the kids over, give them each a large chocolate coin and say " Here kids, this is from grandma". Then use the £100 on a really nice picnic.

If you rarely see your mum and she spends so little time with your family, does it really matter what she tells her mates? By all means, put her right over how the money is spent but say thanks. Whatever the issues, it's her money to spend as she sees fit. Ditto her time. Becoming a GP doesn't automatically mean you know how to shop for presents or want to spend time with the dgc. IMO a shame, but it's her loss. Being 'blunt but kind' can make you feel better. But it's unlikely the world will fall down. And tis possible nothing will change with your ma.

Can anyone remind me how to calculate the OP's mum's income based on the fact that 0.16% of it is £400? I know I should know how to do that!

I wouldn't tell her what I'd been doing. Each time I rang I'd say I hadn't done anything at all because the £100 had run out. Or I'd tell her I'd gone to Florida with her Christmas money.

If she's on 1/4 million then I bet she's spending more than that on a meal out.

Can anyone remind me how to calculate the OP's mum's income based on the fact that 0.16% of it is £400?

Call her income x.

0.0016x = 400

Divide both sides by 0.0016

x = 400 / 0.0016 = 250000

That's great, thanks, Friday!

400 divided by 0.16 then times 100.

those saying about entitlement etc clearly haven't read all the OPs posts or they would realise that this is about more than receiving £100 for the family at Christmas.

It reminds me of the time we found a fiver at the safari park when I was a kid (in the 70s when a fiver was a lot of money!) Everything bought for months afterwards came out of that fiver...ooooh chips, the fiver can pay for that. Ice lollies at the park? well we did find that fiver. By the time it was done we had probably spent ten times the original amount. I suspect the OPs mum is using similar logic, but it is a bit mean considering how well off she is. And it wouldn't hurt her to sort out the token gifts herself.

So, OP yanbu to broach the subject, though I suspect it will be like water off a duck's back