to say something to my mother this year or smile and silently seethe like all previous years.

[LookJohnLookJanetLook]

My mother has four children, and 9 grandchildren. (Parents are separated, my father does his own thing).

Through her own choice she never babysits and sees us all about once every other month when we go and visit her. She speaks to us most days on the phone and is happy that is the extent that she is involved in our lives.

For christmas mum gives each family £100 cash to be used during the year taking the family on a day out, she then also says to buy a token gift for the kids to open and to say it's from her (we each see her for about 15 minutes max over the Christmas period, some years my siblings won't get to see her at all, but I make sure every year that at some point we call in) and she always says she'll give us the cash for this (she never has yet).

Then throughout the year every time we go out as a family she bangs on about this being because she gave us the money at Christmas.

This £400 total is her total Christmas spend this equates to 0.16% of her annual income so it's not that she's hard up.

Would I be unreasonable this year to say that I'm using the £100 to pay for the "token" gifts and get us all something for £25 each rather than be out of pocket for the token gifts?

And if she insists that the £100 is a day out not to buy token gifts and insist she has to purchase those herself?

And this one I may be unreasonable on, explain that £100 doesn't cover the majority of days out anymore - i.e. in her mind it pays for theme parks and food and fuel - it realistically pays for the fuel to get there or the park tickets but not the whole thing?

Or should I carry on doing what I do every year - smile and say thank you for the £100, and purchase the token gift deducting it from Santa's budget?

(Sorry for such a long post)

Villandra I get it, I honesty do, but you just end up hurting yourself. They know not what they do. You only have the power to change your response to their behaviour. You cannot reason with unreasonable people.

For some people they just have to shred their parents to get some peace, for others, myself included, I just chose to forgive him his faults.

No because its national trust membership just tell her!

You talk about a token gift as costing £25 OP? That's a proper present imo! I think of a token gift as being about a fiver! My mum, though I know for a fact that she could afford more, comes from a generation (is it a generation thing?) where you just don't slosh £100s around for presents. DH's parents are the same. My mum gives my 3DC £15 gift tokens, for which they are damn well duly grateful!

You could surely manage some small (token) present - chocs, or something - out of the £100, and spend the rest towards a day out? Maybe your mum has lost touch with what outings can cost these days, but I think it's a bit hurtful to pointedly make an issue of this. It's the thought that counts?

You're right Sebsmummy in a way.
OTOH there are definitely people getting away with this sort of thing because they've worked out people will dance around them trying not to say anything to upset anyone. You have to work out the balance between being an enabler of bad behaviour, staying sane, and risking the fallout.

So she gives you £100 for a family outing, asks you to also buy some vouchers out of it that she will pay you for later, doesn't pay you for them and then takes the credit for both the vouchers and every single outing you go on, anywhere, for the next twelve months?

I understand what you mean about the money being a contribution to an outing. Theme parks are not cheap, it cost £55 for just three of us to get into Drayton Manor this year before we factored in petrol and food.

It's nice of her to contribute, not so nice of her to take the credit for every single trip and outing you make with the children all through the year.

Do as a previous poster suggested, take a photo of the day out she has contributed to, perhaps beside a big sign with the name of the theme park on it or outside the particular theatre so you can see that's obviously where you are.

Frame it, give it to her as a thank you, make a point of telling her that the tickets were X amount of money each so you are very grateful for the £100 and then point the photo out every time she takes the credit for anything else and say "oh no, we used all the money you gave us for the trip to X, do you remember, we gave you that lovely photo to say thank you."

LookJohn - I can totally see what you are saying and understand why this is pissing you off. I don't understand why some people are slating you?!

Yes, £100 is a lovely present - but it only goes so far, it does not stretch to a present each and the 20 trips out each year as she is claiming the credit for. Grrrrrr

I am surprised you have smiled and put up with her doing this for so long! I'd have said something before now. I would actually use her money for the kids presents from her and whenever she says about you using the money for 'x' day out, say 'No, it paid for their gifts from you, remember'.

But after reading the comments I think I need to say, no your £100 was the theatre trip in January where the kids had a great time.

No, you say 'no your £60 was towards the theatre trip in January where the kids had a great time, the other £40 went towards the token gifts, remember'

I do get where you are coming from re the gifts. I have hosted Christmas for 20 out of the last 23 years and the ILs (only MIL now) have come for a week because of the cost of their train tickets. That's week of heavy cooking, tea making, etc., because MIL doesn't lift a finger.

On the one hand she will always give me a cheque for £250 towards the cost and for the children's christmas presents from her (those usually coming to about £120 of it). She and PIL have thoroughly enjoyed Christmas with us and love their presents and the food and the generally Christmassy feel which is something she/they never provided for their children.

Whilst I can't fault her for offering some money towards it, it does irk me that in all those years she has never every gone out and bought a present and wrapped it up to put it under the tree either for the DC or for DH and I. It's something to do with not understanding the joy and pleasure that giving gives the giver.

And every year we get the same "I never had, PIL never had, there's more meat in this house than my mother could afford in a month .......and it's so bloody tiresome.

OP i certainly get the way you feel about DM thinking (acting as if) the £100 is making your kids life worth living for the year. That would drive me up the wall.

I don't understand why posters are saying 'you could do things that cost less than £100'. £100 is spent easily on a family trip! Anyway - why should you do lots of tiny, less memorable trips with the money just to fit in with DMs fantasy that she is paying for year round entertainment?

My mother has strange ideas about giving money. She offers DH and i money often. (she is very well off, we're skint) I don't take her up on the offer any more as on the rare occasion i did when i was younger she has used it as a stick to beat me with for years after. In my late 20s she gave us the money for a pushchair. It was handed over in an envelope - with the almost gleeful exclamation, out of the blue - 'no more fancy holidays for you now (meaning our young family) - you're going to have to save your pennies a bit better!!'. Our 'fancy' bloody holidays, for apx 12 years, were a week in my MILs caravan in Dorset - fully self catering, with £7 a day (hard saved) spending money for ice lollies and car parking at the woods/beach, and the petrol money put away £5 at a time through the year.

I never understood why she was so gleeful about the idea of us being broke.

I think some parents secretly like to see their children struggle for a bit because it makes them feel they did right in bringing them up to work for their money.

As others have said it would piss me off too.

So will you start saying to her the 100 paid for X, and other trips or are funded by you and DH?

It's the only way to get through to her. And stop buying presents on her behalf .

Next time she says it say 'god no, that money went ages ago. 100 quid doesn't go far yanno mother' then change the subject. Keep saying it to her so it sinks in.

I think £100 is a lot of money but 15 minutes isn't long enough. Ignore the money, do what you want regarding the 'token' gifts but say that the children would like to see more if her which is more important

You could maybe get the kids to make a scrap book type thing of the day out which includes a 'Drayton manor/paultons park' leaflet which has ticket prices in and a photo etc or even a ticket and blame it on being the kids idea

No way would I buy the token gifts myself. If she wants her grandchildren to have pressies to unwrap from her, then she buys them. Tell her (calmly) you're not buying them this year & just see what happens. If she doesn't get them anything are they actually missing out on all that much? Token gift sounds like they get a £5 bit of tat that gets forgotten about within 10 mins. It's absolutely not your job to buy them; Xmas is stressful enough without taking on extra jobs that aren't yours to do. Especially if she never gives you the money for these token gifts.

Take the £100 & have your day out. Then tell her 'thank you, your gift contributed somewhat to the overall cost'. For any subsequent days out that she tries to claim credit for you need to say 'no mum, actually your money was used up on ........ day out. DH & I have paid for this one'.

Sorry can I just check? If £400 is 0.16% then that means annual income is £250,000!

id say specifically " i have spent 175 quid on a day out to xxxxx with fuel, food and entrance. Your 100 helped, thank you"

and for the next trip you mention if she says anything you can say "oh no, remember, i spent THAT money back in March"

i know this is a snapshot of your life and i am tryig to remember that, but i do think she is being generous whatever her income

Buy your kids a pair of school shoes each and a burger for tea and tell her that's her £100.

Well don't actually, it'd be rude and ungrateful.

Buy your gifts, or don't, do the day out or don't but tell her that you bought x for thé kids, or went to y as the day out AS the day out, and thanks for the contribution.

Then if she goal-hangs every other thing you do, correct her.

Don't seethe, not worth it.

Ihave yes your maths is correct.

Can I ask how your siblings feel about the £100 days out gift/token presents? Do you all feel the same way?

Look,
In that case I would say to be giving £100 - on it's own not an issue -but then to be spending all year boasting about and rubbing your face in how generous she was is both mean and unreasonable when she has £5000/week income and this money must mean nothing to her.

Are you sure she gets £250,000 a year? It's just her grasp on contemporary finances seems rather hazy (she thought you and your family could manage a few days out to fairly expensive places and a weekend at Butlins all on that 100 quid) so I'm wondering whether her grasp on her own finances is equally as muddled!

In my mind a token gift costs £5-£10. That leaves you with enough for a day out imo, depending where you take them! A day at the farm for my dd's birthday recently cost £40 for 3 adults and 3 children - it's nearby, we took a picnic, and that was the cost of getting in to the farm. Deepends what you think you need to spend - that was a grand day out and rare treat for us!

Just thank her for the £100 and spend it how you please.

She doesn't sound like a brat to me. We are only getting this bit of her story if she's upset then that's up to her. Her mum gives them a hundred pound but then expects her to buy presents for her. Grandkids odd