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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a bit cautious about new friend?

48 replies

monkeynuts123 · 12/10/2013 19:30

I have met a woman with 3 children, similar ages to mine and she seemed very nice. She said she didn't have many friends because she's new to the area and we said we'd meet up. We arranged something a few days later and she called in the morning to say the plan we had didn't leave us much time together and could we meet later in day, well the thing is the plan left us 2 hours together which is fine for me with a new friend. Anyway, we met up and all was fine. The following week she called me twice even though I didn't return her call the first time, was just busy. Then I bumped into her in the street and she asked was I free to go to park, both had kids with us. I was on my way to something else so couldn't. She then suggested how I could change my plans so we could go to the park and I was a bit vague and said I might her catch her up if free and said why didn't she go ahead cos her kids were getting ratty, but then she hung about waiting for me in the street until I came out of the shop and I felt really under pressure. Then she said she could watch my kids while I got some small job done then I could join them. Now bearing in mind I've only just met the woman I felt all this was a bit phew. AIBU feeling a bit cautious and thinking her behavior is a little pushy/stalkery?

OP posts:

IfYouLoveSomebodyLetThemSleep · 12/10/2013 19:32

Yanbu. If she's not your type of friend then you need to dump her now. I would be put off by all of that as well tbh.

Pancakeflipper · 12/10/2013 19:38

It's a bit intense for me. She might be trying too hard because she is lonely and wanting to make friends. Perhaps a kind firm no with a "will phone to make arrangements" and then do phone her might calm it down.

CharityFunDay · 12/10/2013 19:41

She sounds like a funny one and no mistake.

I'm not sure as I'd describe her as 'stalkery' though -- just a bit clingy and demanding.

Perhaps she's just very anxious to 'bond' with you, and is going about it the wrong way.

I wouldn't cut her off completely, because she might calm down a bit when she knows you better. If she gets worse, however, cut yourself off politely.

LittleBairn · 12/10/2013 19:48

Your being a bit OTT on calling her a stalker. It sounds like she is just very lonely and would love some company. That doesn't mean its your problem but I would hardly worry about it.

SatinSandals · 12/10/2013 19:48

I would take it very slowly.

LittleBairn · 12/10/2013 19:48

You are not Your.

Alisvolatpropiis · 12/10/2013 19:53

Yabu to describe her as a stalker.

She may well be very lonely and just trying much too hard. If you essentially like her, make a couple of solid arrangements with her and see how it goes.

During said times mention you're very busy generally and have to make proper plans, not much room for spontaneity etc

mumofweeboys · 12/10/2013 19:53

Yabu

She is new to the area, sounds like she doesn't know anyone and its probably horrifically lonely. She's bending over backwards to be friendly and your being all horribly vague/standoffish - poor women probably wondering what's she's done wrong. Its so rude not to return a call, she gave you benefit of the doubt so rang you again. If you didn't want to go to the park you should have just told her you weren't going.

Put yourself in her place, home alone with three kids and no friends.

Ragwort · 12/10/2013 19:56

I think she sounds incredibly lonely and is trying hard to make a new friend and to be 'helpful' by offering to watch your children for you.

I understand it can feel a bit intense, I have a newish friend who is a bit like this; constantly texting me and suggesting meeting up; it is difficult. Can you gently introduce her into a wider circle of friends - I did this and in fact suggested some voluntary work which my new friend did take up .

saintlyjimjams · 12/10/2013 19:56

she sounds lonely rather than stalkery.

Meet up with her and introduce her to some other friends (or suggest places she could go to meet other people). With a wider circle of friends I doubt she'd be so keen to meet.

MrsLouisTheroux · 12/10/2013 20:43

It's sounds like she's trying to be nice/helpful/friendly but is getting it wrong because she's lonely.
YABU and unkind to call her a stalker based on what you have told us.

smileyfacestar · 12/10/2013 20:49

I seem to attract these people too. I'm glad others are saying that this behaviour is too full on because I was beginning to think it was me being weird. I don't need to see people (even good friends) all the time and freak if new friends behave like this.

IvanaCake · 12/10/2013 20:55

She doesn't know many people and is lonely

I don't think I'd want to be your friend after reading your op!

Donkeyok · 12/10/2013 21:00

Its a bit early to judge she might just be really really nice. I agree with taking it slow but if you do like her (2 hours you should know) include her into some of your friends groups so that she can meet up with some other people aswell. I expect she doesn't only want your company but is trying to settle in. YABU to call her a stalker. Its a bit mean of you, she's not in your position.

Coupon · 12/10/2013 21:03

Agree she sounds lonely.

pigletmania · 12/10/2013 21:05

She does sound incredibly lonely, mabey you might not bête friend for her as you sound like you just don have the time. I woud arrange to meet and see how it goes.

Icelollycraving · 12/10/2013 21:50

She certainly sounds lonely. She's perhaps being a little full on,if you aren't warming to her then cool it.
Yabu to call her a stalker. I was present when a colleague was murdered by her stalker. Not in the same league as a lonely mum.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 12/10/2013 22:14

Icelolly! was that the one in the department store?

suebfg · 12/10/2013 22:19

YABVU - she is lonely and trying to make friends

pictish · 12/10/2013 22:20

Lonely or not, I don't thank anyone for backing me into a corner and making me feel pressured or obliged, so from my pov yanbu. I would be getting the heebie geebies as well.

I do know exactly what it's like to move somewhere and not know a soul, as I have done it. I have been precisely where this woman is now.

I didn't hassle anyone into meeting me at the park.

pictish · 12/10/2013 22:23

Trust your instinct.
I'm not saying write her off...but neither do you have to be friends with her.

All these people saying awww but she's lonely. Let them have her breathing down their necks and offering to look after their kids.

suebfg · 12/10/2013 22:32

Wow, there are some unfriendly people around

pictish · 12/10/2013 22:33

And also some people that have learned through experience.

smileyfacestar · 12/10/2013 22:34

Yanbu, it's too much. I agree with Pictish. Nothing wrong with meeting up now and again but this is too full on (unless your happy to do it I suppose).

Milkjug · 12/10/2013 22:35

What Pictish said. She may well be lonely, but that doesn't excuse the pushiness. It's not her place, as a very new acquaintance, to suggest you rearrange your plans to spend time with her when you are clearly busy, far less to hang around outside shops adding to the pressure.

For what it's worth, I am newly living in a midlands village, with no friends nearer than London and Oxford, and yes, I am often lonely, but I don't hassle people for company, especially if I hope we might become friends!

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