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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a bit cautious about new friend?

48 replies

monkeynuts123 · 12/10/2013 19:30

I have met a woman with 3 children, similar ages to mine and she seemed very nice. She said she didn't have many friends because she's new to the area and we said we'd meet up. We arranged something a few days later and she called in the morning to say the plan we had didn't leave us much time together and could we meet later in day, well the thing is the plan left us 2 hours together which is fine for me with a new friend. Anyway, we met up and all was fine. The following week she called me twice even though I didn't return her call the first time, was just busy. Then I bumped into her in the street and she asked was I free to go to park, both had kids with us. I was on my way to something else so couldn't. She then suggested how I could change my plans so we could go to the park and I was a bit vague and said I might her catch her up if free and said why didn't she go ahead cos her kids were getting ratty, but then she hung about waiting for me in the street until I came out of the shop and I felt really under pressure. Then she said she could watch my kids while I got some small job done then I could join them. Now bearing in mind I've only just met the woman I felt all this was a bit phew. AIBU feeling a bit cautious and thinking her behavior is a little pushy/stalkery?

OP posts:

pictish · 12/10/2013 22:36

She may well be lonely, but that doesn't excuse the pushiness. It's not her place, as a very new acquaintance, to suggest you rearrange your plans to spend time with her when you are clearly busy, far less to hang around outside shops adding to the pressure.

Absolutely.

suebfg · 12/10/2013 22:38

Well, I'm sure she'll soon get the hint and find someone more friendly instead

pictish · 12/10/2013 22:43

I am a friendly person - how the hell do you think I got the experience? From being stand-offish and cold and not giving people a chance? Hardly!
No - I got the experience by being kind and open, and being targetted by desperates.

pictish · 12/10/2013 22:45

Nowadays I exercise a lot of caution, and when my alarm bells begin to ring, I damn well listen to them.

suebfg · 12/10/2013 22:45

So you are kind and open and referring to people as desperates - bit of a contradiction IMO.

It's really hard for people who move to an area and don't know people. Be a bit more understanding FGS

pictish · 12/10/2013 22:46

I already said that I know exactly what it's like to move to a new area without knowing a soul. Read before commenting will you?

Loopylala7 · 12/10/2013 22:51

I would be a little spooked by her behaviour too

suebfg · 12/10/2013 22:51

pictish · 12/10/2013 22:51

So when you ask someone along to something and they say thanks but I can't make it, I've got something else on, do you persist and suggest ways in which they can make it?

I don't.

Milkjug · 12/10/2013 22:51

Well, I'm coming at this from the angle of being the new one in town, and if I encounter someone I like, the very last thingI do is tell them that a two-hour slot is too short and can we rearrange, or attempt to pressure them into spending time with me when they are obviously preoccupied!

It would be obvious to any halfway sensitive/clued-in person that this isn't the right way to start a friendship, surely?

pictish · 12/10/2013 22:55

I have had to change my phone number before!

pictish · 12/10/2013 23:12

Btw - I'm not saying this woman is problematic...it could just be a case of the over keens...but the OP is not obliged to her in any way, simply owing to the fact that the woman is new in town. If her instinct says it's too much...then guess what? It's too much!

OP - seriously. I would make it subtly, but firmly clear, that you're not for being pressured or persuaded.

A quick coffee every couple of weeks, if that, is fine at this stage. See how it goes. If she gets intense, you'll know to steer clear.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 12/10/2013 23:13

Its a bit weird to ask you to rearrange your plans. Some people just aren't good at this social interaction crap though. I have a friend like it. Scares off friends left right and centre. Just doesn't get it that the intensity freaks people out!

I've also been that new person who is a bit desperate to make friends. I was a bit too keen a few times and i think some people thought i was full on. Not to this extreme though.

BrunoMarsBar · 12/10/2013 23:13

Been there. Done that.
For all the awww brigade you have to have experienced it full-on...
Starts off normally - a playdate, a social invite, a sleepover - but then it becomes mum plus 3 round at yours for a whole frigging weekend and pleas to go on holiday together or have xmas day together and endless texts, calls, whining that you were out or why you would want to spend time with someone else, pleas for help that turn out to be bogus, trying to manipulate your weekends, hobbies, kids. You end up feeling like a bad boyfriend and then realise after a year you are being used as a 2nd parent or glue to patch the cracks.

It becomes tiring, frustrating and places stress on your own relationships.
No is taken as an insult. Non-committal likewise. No sense of boundaries and a limpet syndrome might sit well with some but eventually I had to cut off completely for my own sanity as it became clear that we had vastly different views on friendship,family, privacy and imposition. So unless you have been in this situation as a naive friendly soul you really do not know how dreadful it can get or you are that person

BrunoMarsBar · 12/10/2013 23:18

This mum was married btw but her 'd'p encouraged her to find new BFFs unreasonable just for that phrase aloneto take the pressure off him

pictish · 12/10/2013 23:30

I have managed to become embroiled with needy, intense new friends a few times...to lesser and greater degrees.

It doesn't happen any more and I have no fewer friends for it.

saintlyjimjams · 13/10/2013 00:00

bruno I can understand that (personally I like time alone, and it does my head in when I have no time alone/just me & kids) but I'm not sure this poor mum is at that stage yet. She just sounds new and lonely. I still think introducing her to to other would a) get her off OP's case and b) give OP brownie points & a warm fuzzy glow. Which ain't a bad thing.

WinkyWinkola · 13/10/2013 08:24

A wee bit over keen perhaps but harmless. She offered to help you out too. That's kind.

She sounds lonely and kind. So is she fun? Did you click as pals?

I know how you feel. I very much enjoy my own company and hate over keen people but tread careful and try not to offend. It's so hard when you're new to an area.

WinkyWinkola · 13/10/2013 08:25

carefully not careful

Original poster

monkeynuts123 · 13/10/2013 18:12

I don't think it is to do with being unfriendly, I think my alarm bells have gone off because the way she has behaved is too much too soon. I also moved to this area and didn't know anyone and within a few months I had a couple of friends. Yes it was tempting to call them more often than I usually would and I was desperate for company sometimes but I wouldn't have hung about on street corners or put pressure on a new friend, or have suggested a woman I only just met leave her kids with me, I suppose to me that is not normal. I prefer to take things a bit slower or just a bit more respectfully of other peoples space. I was friendly which is why I have struck up a 'friendship'. Thinking about it she has been here for 6 months and really I think that's time to get at least one friend, there's lots of groups here and people are very friendly. Anyway, I appreciate the replies.

OP posts:

Coupon · 13/10/2013 18:16

she has been here for 6 months and really I think that's time to get at least one friend

That's a bit harsh IMO. Not everyone meets people they click with in that length of time (or longer). I have lived in a few different places and have sometimes found friends quickly and easily, other times I just haven't found people I clicked with and it has taken years.

Original poster

monkeynuts123 · 13/10/2013 19:21

I agree, maybe not friends for life or very close friends, but someone to hang out with once in a while and go to the park with the kids and out for a coffee, yes. I think she might find it hard to make friends and this is why. Anyway, will see how things go.

OP posts:

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 13/10/2013 19:38

There is no time limit in which someone should have made a friend.

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