aibu to not tell my mum my sister is self harming?

[Crawling]

My sister is 12 and I'm 25. My sister yesterday confided in me that she has been self harming. Nothing to deep but we had a good chat about why and before she told me she made me promise not to tell my mother.

So aibu to keep my promise and my sister's confidence and not tell my mother? Or should I break confidence meaning she will never confide in me again and tell my mum?

Does she know you self harm too ? Are you still doing it? If so it's probably unwise to take on too much responsibility for your sisters well being. Even if you've stopped, you still need to look after yourself too, as talking to her about it may be very triggering for you . Does your mum know about your self harm?

Don't tell your mum without talking to your sis first. Ideally she would tell mum herself and you can be there for support . I do appreciate this is extremely hard though .

Try and speak to the school and ask for advice. They'll appreciate you wanting to support your sister but will have much more experience of this sort of thing and how to handle parents.

I would talk to her and explain why your mum needs to know. If she has come to you for help it is possible that she will understand when you tell her your mum needs to know.

I think this all depends on the person your mum is, and only you and your sister know that.

FWIW me and my sister confide in each other and don't talk to my mum about a lot of stuff, for a number of different reasons. We are a lot closer in age though.

If I were you I would talk with your dd and come up with a plan together about what happens next and how she will tell mum. Get her permission for you to contact the school and get their understanding of what happened and what should happen next. I'm not sure if they would talk to you about this or not but I think you need to in a gently way let her know either she tells mum or you do but give her as much control as you can.

Just read the school ate going to tell her mum. In that case I wouldn't say anything just support her.

I think I will wait to tell mum as mý sister says she has stopped if it continues I will tell her. I will speak to the school and see what can be done for her. See if they are going to tell my mum and ask if not should I tell my mum? I will spend more time with my sister and encourage her to tell my mum. I will also advise that any boyfriend who dumps her over a few Lou De is not worth it.

Pounds not Lou de

I would be very surprised if the school don't tell your mum anyway. I doubt you will need to break her confidence.

You are being incredibly naive to believe her just because she promised, you are way out of your depth. You either need to take her along to her Drs or tell your mother. She needs professional help.

I've not read all of the above but I would not tell your mum at this stage. You are an adult too and she has confided in you at a vulnerable stage - that's precious. I'd research it myself, take advice myself (eg from mental health charity or my GP) and then (if they thought this was a good idea) seek if I could get my sister to come with me to access appropriate help for her together with my support - eg the GP, school support service etc. if appropriate I'd encourage and support her to tell mum but I'd not do that without her consent at this stage.

This is so sad, but it seems to be something that is happening more and more, particularly with girls; seems to have almost become a 'fad', so I'm sure the school is more than experienced at dealing with it and getting help.

I think you're right not to break her confidence to your mother OP. If you did your DS will, rightly feel, that she can't trust you. The best thing you can do for her is to keep the lines of communication open and let her know she can tell you anything.

You do however need to help her to get help: encourage her to tell your mother and be there when and if she does, take her to see her GP, try to be with her when the school tells your mother. There are people she can talk to, access information for her.

And just keep on being the kind of sister you're being, he's lucky to have such a caring sister.

The school will probably inform your mum, I would be really careful not to break her confidence.

Sorry, she's lucky not he's.

I would avoid telling your mum, especially if here response will be to go off on one at her. I know that I would never have forgiven someone who'd gone to my dm when I was 12. It wouldn't have stopped me and I would have damn well never told them anything again.

With her weight and body issues and self harm I would be wary of taking her swimming to lose weight, this may just be me but my preteen and teenage self harm and body issues/eating disorders were very deeply linked and used together. Healthy. good. lose weight - you are re enforcing to her that she needs to. at 12 it seems that girls are either puberty skinny or puberty overweight, I think that it is normal within reason to be a hit chunkier. Tell her the boyfriend is a knobhead too!

I would say have a word with the school about their counselling and maybe see if you can get hold of a doctor or camhs professional to have a word with even if you can't take her to the docs.

Get her a sketch book and a notebook, I found drawing and writing helped me a lot, even if it makes me cringe so so much looking at them now!

Also, bear in mind that there isn't always a reason to self harm. Yours was spurred on by existing mh issues, hers might be nothing to do with anything specific but just that she feels her head might explode if she doesn't do something or that she is just compelled to for no 'reason'. It will probably be worse than she told you it was.

Don't tell, she's taken a big step confiding in you. I'd try and encourage her to get help, whether it's GP, calling Samaritans rather than cutting etc. Maybe offer to be there when she tells your mum.

dont tell your Mum, tell the head teacher of your sister'a school. Ask the head teacher to not reveal that you have told them. They can say to your Mum that a teachwr has noticed something, and proceed with safeguarding. They will tell your Mum and ask her to take yiur Dsis to doctor, and she will get some help.

Is it worth telling her that the school are probably going to tell your mum anyway, so maybe it would be better if she confided in your mum before then? Maybe by writing her a letter if you are worried she will react negatively?

Dont put your sister in a position where she has to tell yiur Mum. She won't.

This is not something to wait ariund and se what happens. Yiu sister needs professional attention. She has a mental health problem that will not go away on its own. Get help for her soon, do not wait until it is obvioysly life threatening.

If she doesnt though, i think you are right not to tell. Self harming ime while obviously not good is quite minor on the list of things that can potentially go wrong for a teenager, and knowing she can confide in you for the "bigger" things is probably worth more than telling now

Sorry about typos.

FWIW, a friend of my DD was self harming, and she told another friend, who told DD, who told me. But, no one was supposed to know, which did make it difficult.

We had exactly the same situation, Sanity. Except the girl brought a knife into my home, and encouraged DD to self harm too. She'd been egging other girls on at school. I rang the HOY first thing Monday morning (discovered it Sunday night, after she'd stayed over the Friday). The HOY was able to do a 'knife search', the knife was found and DD was never directly involved.

I'm afraid you do have to take some responsibility now, you are party to the fact, and it is now your duty to get your sister the help she needs.

Sadly, cutting seems to be a bit of a fad round here. There's people doing it for MH reasons, definitely, but there's also a definite element of peer pressure going on. :(

Op you are a really nice sister.
I dont think you are wrong either way, you're in a difficult position.

Please tell your mum, I am dealing with this with a girl in my form. School should be able to offer support and involve outside agencies

I would encourage her to see GP as I believe some MH conditions such as schizoaffective disorder can have a genetic element.

It's lovely that she has you to confide in