aibu to not tell my mum my sister is self harming?

[Crawling]

My sister is 12 and I'm 25. My sister yesterday confided in me that she has been self harming. Nothing to deep but we had a good chat about why and before she told me she made me promise not to tell my mother.

So aibu to keep my promise and my sister's confidence and not tell my mother? Or should I break confidence meaning she will never confide in me again and tell my mum?

You need to tell someone, whether it is your mother, a form tutor/head of year at your sister's school or convince her to talk to her GP. Kids don't self harm for no reason, she needs help and the sooner you get it for her the easier it will be for her to recover. She might lash out angrily now and be upset with you for 'telling' but she will forgive you once she grows up a bit.

You were really very stupid to make that promise,you should have been grown up about it and told her you could not keep a secret about something that harmed her.

Now your going to have to take her to see her gp and talk to them about it.

To do nothing is wrong.

I didn't really expect her to come out with something like that I expected her to tell me she had kissed a boy or something like that. school are aware having caught her and are referring her to a school councillor. I'm not sure if they are going to tell my mum or not she didn't say.

You have to tell her that keeping her safe is more important than keeping her secret and tell your mum. That is what I would have expected from my StD, with an 11 year age gap to my DD. That is what I would expect from my DD towards my DD2, with a 10 year age gap.

Don't break her confidence. It will have been so very hard for her to tell you.
Keep communication open and try to persuade her to tell someone.
How serious is it? From what you can gather?

You said you had a good chat about 'why' - but don't mention what the 'why' is (appreciate it's probably very complicated, and a mixture of lots of reasons).

You do need to share this with another adult, but having made a promise you are somewhat stuffed.

I'd go back and tell her that you really appreciate the confidence she's shown in you, and in return you want to treat her as an adult, but that having slept on it, you honestly think the best thing is for her to tell your mother. And offer to be on hand when she does it, as of course your mum will be upset.

Do you think she will stop after your chat?

If it continues you must tell your mum. If you are 100% convinced it has stopped, then keep her confidence. Be aware in case it starts up again in the future(or any other signs of anxiety).

sad situation

did she say why she does it?

id be devastated if my 12 year old was keepong something so big from me, and pissed off that a 25 year old who knew effectivley did nothing but let the school deal with it

Ahh sorry just seen that school know. I would have thought they would inform parents??

I wouldn't tell, but I would make sure I helped her through her feelings and help wean her off it. If necessary seek professional help for her and go along with her. It is good that she has someone to speak frankly to about this. Apply conditions to your promise though - you are willing to talk it through and support her with stopping, but if it continues, you will have to confide in your mother. If you are not able to invest a lot of time in this (eg if you live too far away and/or only see her infrequently) you should break your promise IMO.

I haven't done nothing I only found out late last night and first thing this morning I am asking for advice.

Her reasons are she has recently split up with her boyfriend who is now going out with her best friend. She thinks it's cue she is slightly overweight and is unhappy about her weight.

I listened and I am now gonna take her swimming twice a week to help her lose weight. She did promise me it wouldn't happen again.

I live just up the road and she frequently comes to my house we spend a lot of time together. I will ask her if the school are going to tell my mum now.

It's a very sad situation and I can see why you did what you did, even if it was a snap decision.

My Dsis attempted suicide twice a few years ago. My parents still don't know because I just don't think my mum would get over it. You have to sit her down again and talk - it must have taken a lot of courage for her to tell you. Be gentle, be soothing but be firm that going to the doctor is the right idea and that you will go with her. Hopefully the doctor can speak to you both about counselling/therapy options for her and even advise you, as an adult, on whether or not your mum needs to know.

It's so important for her to know you don't judge her and that you love her. My DSis, after years of self harm and depression, is so much better now. Speaking to the doctor is essential, though, because I know it's too big a burden to carry yourself.

She is clearly reaching out for help - they caught her at school (so maybe she was doing it where she knew she would get caught). She has told you, probably because she is worried that her mum will react badly as someone who she trusts. The problem is, you are not equipped to help her - possibly no more equipped than her mum is though - i did this, my mum reacted badly and defiantely did NOT help.

Would the school talk to you? She really needs help, possibly from a medical perspective - if it were me, i'd talk to the school in the first instance find out what they are doing to deal with this. I think her mum probably does need to know, although you do not want to breach her trust - maybe the school has a confidentiality thing with the counselling etc and are monitoring the situation. The thing is, it is a child protection issue and they cannot not act. Ideally it would be better if your sister is persuaded to talk to her mum herself, could you do that? Offer to go with her? or maybe offer to go with her to the doctors?

12 is very young to have a boyfriend - do you think anything untoward has happened? I think its a lovely idea for you to take her swimming, but by helping her with her weight, you are affirming what she already thinks, that it is something that needs fixing. She clearly has body image issues. I don't think you should try to handle this alone tbh.

I wouldn't tell your mum. I wouldn't break her confidence.

I could not take her to the doctors without my mum knowing. My mum is likely to shout at her and go nuts I know this as I self harm. I could speak to the school for her and I am always here for her. I just text her and she says the school are going to tell mam but she wants her to find out in the school so man can't go nuts at her.

Its good that the school are going to talk to your mum. She is only likely to shout and go nuts through worry though, its probably a natural reaction. Hopefully she will settle down and be supportive. I hope you all get the help you need. Im a bit loathe to say this, but do you think she is copying you? My older cousin used to self harm (badly) and i must admit that the first time i did this as a youngster it was almost done out of curiosity. Not blaming you at all - her issues are her own but it may be that she sees it as an outlet. I never really progressed more than superficial SH, although i didn't get the support i needed at the time and am struggling later in life with self esteem issues and anxiety.

It's very difficult. I broke down and told my older sister that I was severely bulimic, but insisted that she didn't tell my mother. I was a lot older-early 20s, my sis was almost 30. I was in a bad way.

My mother is a narcissist(undiagnosed), though I didn't have a name for it back then (20 yrs or so).

My sister broke my confidence and immediately told my mother. It was awful. I have never forgotten it. It impacted on every area of my relationship with my sister for many years.

Different circumstances of course. Your dsis is very young, and I would obviously keep talking to her. Try to gauge whether she actually does want your mum to know, ifyswim. Very difficult though.

I think you need to do something, which of course you are trying to do now you know. I wanted support without judgement, a shoulder to exhale on, if you like. I didn't want it to be my mother.

Oh, you self harm too, sorry just read that. Have you got to the bottom of that for yourself ever?

It's possible her self harm is superficial thankfully atm. Mine is not I hope she is not copying me. I am trying to convince her to speak to my man with me but as its upsetting her I'm going to stop.

I have scizoaffective disorder which is bipolar with schizophrenic episodes that's why I self harmed from a young age.

This site could be helpful for your DSis.

FWIW, a friend of my DD was self harming, and she told another friend, who told DD, who told me. But, no one was supposed to know, which did make it difficult.

So, I told the HOY at the school, in absolute confidence, and they were able to help the girl who was self harming.

There is a counselling service at their school, and I rang them, to ask if they would automatically tell the parents, if they knew, and they said they wouldn't.

I really do understand about not wanting to break a confidence entrusted in you. If you do it this time, will she even come to you, next time?

Also, the swimming thing - lovely that you are doing this with her. But reassure her that a boyfriend who dumps you for putting on a few pounds is not worth having. Her self worth should not be tied up in her body image, or in the approval of some spotty teen!

I think it may be that she sees the self harming as something she has in common with her big sister & by you promising not to tell her mum then you have created an exclusive club. I would tell her that you were wrong to promise to conceal something like this & that she needs to speak to her Mum.

OP when I was at school to get a referral to the school councillor they had to have permission from a parent or guardian. So I expect your mum will get a phone call. They don't have to tell her why, they just need permission for a medical professional to see your sister.
It will be a good thing for her, I owe my school councillor my life.

She does need to see a doctor, it is good that she has you to confide in and understand her.