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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not let my lad sleep over tonight?

70 replies

Captainbarnacles1101 · 12/10/2013 09:27

my lad has a good friend from school who is the same age as him both 13. This friend had invited ds to stay at his tonight. all seemed ok i said yes as long as i dropped him off and collected him. Then last night i got a call from friends mum who says she and husband will be away but the 18 yr old sister would be there. ( this sister is only just 18 and in 6th form at their school.)
so in short I said no.
am i being unreasonable.
(ex hub thinks i am but hes a knob)

OP posts:

Canthisonebeused · 12/10/2013 11:14

I think she probably wouldn't leave her alone for the sake of company all night. I was a very responsible 18 year old. I worked in a residential care home with 7 autistic adults at that age and spent the night alone in charge so to speak twice a week. I would not be keen on spending the night alone in my own home with no company, I would have been proper spooked.

I would probably have let your ds go if I were in that situation, unless I didn't know the family at all.

SilverApples · 12/10/2013 11:15

That's fantastic KatieScarlett, long may it continue!
Friend of mine went away for the weekend, leaving her Aspie 17 year old at home, and when she came back...
Major trauma and disruption.
He had organised her kitchen along logical lines and alphabetised her spice rack. The bounder!

Sparklingbrook · 12/10/2013 11:15

I don't get the uproar about not leaving the 18 year old on her own. I wouldn't assume it's because they don't trust her. She just doesn't want to sleep alone in the house.

And what sort of 'controlling' to 13 year old boys need?

SilverApples · 12/10/2013 11:16

I think my DS was 13 when he discovered the quintuplet sandwich.

Original poster

Captainbarnacles1101 · 12/10/2013 11:17

Maybe I'm being precious. He's my eldest and I just worry about him as he is so easily led. I have nothing to suggest the family are anything other than an nice normal family. Just felt uneasy about it all.

OP posts:

SilverApples · 12/10/2013 11:18

Your child, your choice. You sound sensible to me.

KatieScarlett2833 · 12/10/2013 11:18

X Post.
DD is training to become a Social Worker which is interesting as age 13-15 she had a Social Worker I have had many threads on DD in the past...
She has turned out to be utterly mature, kind , responsible and funny
Sometimes I can't believe how lucky I am that it all turned out so well , hence the boasting.

MorrisZapp · 12/10/2013 11:20

Nice normal family you say?

Steer well clear :)

Sparklingbrook · 12/10/2013 11:20

Everyone's different, and everyone's children are different. Maybe you are being precious, maybe not, but you know what feels right for you, even if some of us are saying otherwise.

DS1 (14) is the quiet sensitive type and DS2 (11), well isn't. I do have to parent them a little differently.

Canthisonebeused · 12/10/2013 11:22

I would re consider then if you feel you are being previous explain to ds why it's a difficult decision to make and place some trust and give him some pointers in what he can do if there were an emergency and expected behaviour.

zzzzz · 12/10/2013 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 12/10/2013 11:26

KatieScarlet - 'boast' away! I'm glad it has all turned out so well for you!

CaptainBarnacles - I think you are doing the right thing to say no. It's not your fault the 18 year old can't be trusted to stay home alone (I think that's the case or surely her Mum would have said something more like 'Sorry, can't do that as DD doesn't like being in the house on her own' not 'No wont leave the 18 yo on her own'.

Anyway, bad luck for DS, but that's life - there's always another weekend.

Why not see if he wants to invite a different friend to stay the night?

ElbowPrincess · 12/10/2013 11:28

I wouldnt be letting mine go. Sensible decision.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 12/10/2013 11:28

You aren't being precious. You have an 18 yo that can't/wont stay in a house by herself, a 13 yo who is a 'handful' and your own 13 yo you know to be 'easily led' and no angel - sounds like a recipie for a disaster if you ask me... it would be a big fat NO from me in that situation.

Sparklingbrook · 12/10/2013 11:30

But if the 18 year old can't be trusted overnight alone I can't see having her 13 year old brother being there would stop her hell raising.

curlew · 12/10/2013 11:30

I would be worried about having a 13 year old who couldn't be trusted to behave properly at someone else's house, to be honest........

bragmatic · 12/10/2013 11:33

I'd happily leave my 18yo with my 13yo.

I would not, however leave my 13yo with his mate, and his 18yo sister, whom I'd not met.

JenaiMorris · 12/10/2013 11:36

I'd guess that the parents are relying on the teens to grass each other up if they break the rules.

Anyway, I think I'd let ds go but I'd be on standby.

Sparklingbrook · 12/10/2013 11:38

Could he go for the evening then you pick him up, if it's the staying over that's a worry?

SPsTwerkingNineToFive · 12/10/2013 11:40

I looked after my brother and his mates at 18. They were 14. Mum and dad went out for the night. I also had 3 younger siblings. Youngest been 6.

i wouldn't have an issue with it.

PurpleRayne · 12/10/2013 12:12

Sounds like she doesn't trust the 18yr old on her own actually. Lot harder to get away with stuff with little brother in residence.

Ragwort · 12/10/2013 12:19

I think you did the right thing and offered a very reasonable compromise in having the other child to stay with you.

I also would not be happy at leaving my DS in someone's home where no parents are around ...... it could be very easy for them to invite a few more teenagers round - and who knows what might happen?

It is all very well saying 'not all 18 year olds are hell raisers (or 13 year olds for that matter ) but nearly every week there is something in the paper about teenagers having a party when parents are away and houses being trashed (not to mention children getting drunk, exposed to drugs etc) - I am sure those parents equally thought 'my child wouldn't do anything like that'.

Why take the risk?

Mellowandfruitful · 12/10/2013 12:27

OP I would have done the same as you.

Other mum's logic is odd. If not acceptable to leave 18 yo alone don't see why leaving her in charge of two teenagers is ok.

Original poster

Captainbarnacles1101 · 12/10/2013 12:30

Curlew. I think u misinterpret what I'm saying! My son is easily led. There is a difference between that and not being able to leave him anywhere or take him out. I simply mean if the others decided to throw a party he wouldn't have the balls to stand up and say no that's wrong!

OP posts:

Alisvolatpropiis · 12/10/2013 12:36

I have been that 18 year old. Bigger age gap between my brother and myself though.

So when I was 18 he would have been 11. He had friends round when it was just me.

I didn't like being in the house on my own. It was nothing to do with not being trusted.

When I was 13 I was staying over friends houses when nobody was there at all to supverise. My friends and I behaved fine. Not all kids are just waiting for an opportunity to behave badly

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