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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to see my friend anymore?

35 replies

rach6122 · 11/10/2013 16:57

So called best friend has been off with me since I got married and had baby. She went away for a few months and she was supposed to come to see me before she went but ended up cancelling, so u didnt see her for about a month before she left. She has now been back about five weeks. She has seen everyone apart from me. Every week she says let's do something next week, but then when the week comes its I'm too busy this week, lets do next. So this week she was going to contact me to see me. Now being Friday the week has passed and no a word until today asking to see me next week. I haven't replied as I'm so annoyed at being out bottom of the pile. She shows no interest in my daughter and has seen her about 3 times since she was born and is now 9 months. We used to party together all the time, she is free single etc whereas I am not (but v happy about that) and I think now she just sees me as the boring mum. Aibu to think if she was a good friend she would still make the effort? Don't feel like seeing her now :(

OP posts:
Finola1step · 11/10/2013 17:10

It does sound like the friendship has run its course. If you text back and arrange something for next week, do you think it will happen?

Original poster
rach6122 · 11/10/2013 17:22

Yes I think she might possibly stick to it as she specified the day, but she was supposed to get in touch re meeting this week and hasn't even said sorry I couldn't do this week in the end, just ignored it basically, again! Perhaps I should go and say something in person?

OP posts:
Finola1step · 11/10/2013 17:31

I think you should meet up with her, on your own if possible. Have a good catch up about her holiday and what's been going in in your life. Tell her that you miss her friendship but accept that you are living different lives now. Then take it from there. The friendship has changed and although it has run its course to some extent, there's no reason why you can't keep in touch. But your expectations of this friendship need to change accordingly.

Original poster
rach6122 · 11/10/2013 18:10

Thanks I think I'll do that, and see how it goes after. I have no problem just seeing her once in a while for a catch up as my life is now busy with other things I just wish she wouldn't keep letting me down. Thanks

OP posts:
shewhowines · 11/10/2013 18:19

I think you need different things out of a friendship, at different life stages.

This friendship seems to have run its course and is no reflection on either of you. It could limp on, if you put the effort in but I'd back off and let her do the running for a bit. If its meant to be, it will be.

WorraLiberty · 11/10/2013 18:28

Do you ever arrange to go and see her, or is it always assumed that she'll visit you?

expatinscotland · 11/10/2013 18:30

Sounds like its run its course.

Original poster
rach6122 · 11/10/2013 18:58

We normally go out for dinner she doesn't come to mine only the few times she's seen the baby. My dh is around a lot so I can easily get out she knows this. I just think she thinks I'm boring!

OP posts:
Hassled · 11/10/2013 19:01

What Finola said. She obviously still cares about you, or she wouldn't have bothered with a date at all - but get this out in the open. Your lives have changed, and your friendship will change - you both have to get your heads around that.

Original poster
rach6122 · 11/10/2013 19:02

Totally fine with the friendship changing, but not week after week cancelling iyswim.

OP posts:
Coupon · 11/10/2013 19:06

If a friend has a problem with the friendship I'd expect them to tell me what it was, instead of blanking me. Friendship is about being honest and respecting the other person's feelings.

everlong · 11/10/2013 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
rach6122 · 11/10/2013 19:08

You're right, I think I'll meet her let her know how I feel and see how it goes.

OP posts:
Lilacroses · 11/10/2013 19:10

Maybe take a break from seeing her. My friend had this with another friend of hers when my friend was having her kids and her friend was single. Now that the other woman has a partner they get along really well. They were just sort of incompatible at that time and both annoyed each other and had different priorities.

Original poster
rach6122 · 11/10/2013 19:14

I guess I just assumed we were that close that it wouldn't matter that my circumstances changed, I feel that if she had had baby I would be involved and love to see it etc, but I need to accept we are different people.

OP posts:
everlong · 11/10/2013 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Longtalljosie · 11/10/2013 19:17

Goodness me - and this is your best friend?

Look - speaking as someone who had a very different life from her best friend for years and years (me very single, her a mum in her early 20s) - you're not trying nearly hard enough. She's had a hectic few weeks. You're not as easy to catch up with as you were. She's trying and yes, ok, being slightly crap but she's still making the effort!

There's a received wisdom on MN that single women can and should be dropped as friends the minute you have children. Go for it if you must - I wouldn't.

EATmum · 11/10/2013 19:21

Could it be that her feelings about you getting married and having children are more complicated? You think she thinks you're boring, but she might just want what you've got. In my experience, that's hard. Give her some time/space, but don't give up on the friendship.

EATmum · 11/10/2013 19:22

Could it be that her feelings about you getting married and having children are more complicated? You think she thinks you're boring, but she might just want what you've got. In my experience, that's hard. Give her some time/space, but don't give up on the friendship.

EATmum · 11/10/2013 19:23

Grr duplicate post. Sodding phone ...

Original poster
rach6122 · 11/10/2013 19:23

Thanks ever long. No thus is the thing, I am easy to catch up with! Dh us around a lot to watch baby, whenever she asks what day is good for you ill say anytime, you choose as you have busy social life. Then she says ok ill let you know which day. Week after week for the past five, and before he went away, she has said too busy this week, maybe next. How am I not trying?! Don't want to drop her, feel as though she is dropping me.

OP posts:
Original poster
rach6122 · 11/10/2013 19:26

Eat mum she says all the time how everyone is settling down and she wants to meet someone.. I know it must be hard that things have changed. She hinted before she went away that I couldn't do anything anymore ie go out drinking etc, although I hope to have a few nights out next year when baby us older. But then she goes to afternoon tea, cinema etc with other friends, I can do those things!

OP posts:
everlong · 11/10/2013 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
rach6122 · 11/10/2013 19:29

Sorry ever the chunk of that reply was to longtalljosie!

OP posts:
MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 11/10/2013 19:32

Ergh is she one of those "I'm busy, busy, busy!! Look at me, how busy I am! Busy, like a busy little busy bee!" people? If so, maybe she foolishly feels contempt for you saying you can meet any time, thinks you are being a doormat and is losing respect for you and (probably unconsciously) cancelling on you for people/ events she actually cares much less about, because you have implied you'll be there any time.

I knew people like that - absolutely had to let everyone know how busy they were, and didn't "get" people who had moved away from that. Always people who weren't actually unavoidably busy - not big work deadlines and family commitments, but social calendar filling mustn't stop long enough to take a look at my life busy... CBA with that attitude any more.

If you want to see her stop being quite so available - if she cancels on you this time, give her a choice of 2 dates you can make in the future and tell her things are getting busy after that :D so you hope one or the other will work for her, even if she does have to juggle her knitting circle and hair dying night (don't say the last bit) :D