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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to punch my MIL in her interfering face?

139 replies

crimsonwitch · 10/10/2013 01:22

I have never quite seen eye to eye with the MIL, but tolerate her passive aggressive superiority because my DC love her and her them. My DP asked her to babysit Ds2 (5 months) for a few hours today while DD (10) and Ds1 (5) were at school, so we could go out for lunch together. It was the first time we have been out alone since he was born, and I was very grateful to MIL for agreeing to have him. Ds2 is ebf and has never had formula, so I expressed enough milk for her to feed him while we were gone. After a lovely lunch with Dp we went to MIL to pick up Ds and he was fast asleep (he should have been hungry by this point). MIL looking very pleased with herself said "The milk you brought looked funny so I threw it out, but Its ok, I brought some formula from asda the other day just incase, and look at the good its done him!" Hmm MIL has been anti breastfeeding from the start always dropping totally unreasonable helpful hints on how ff would help Ds sleep better and would give me a break, ff is more socially acceptable, Dp won't bond properly, he is too big to still be breastfeeding Hmm etc etc etc.... DP is very supportive of breastfeeding, but he and his whole family won't stand up to his mother no matter how wrong she is. Poor Ds has been sick a few times and is very uncomfortable now. I am in no way against ff by the way, just the way my MIL likes to control things all the fucking time with my dc. I could write a whole novel on her behaviour over the years. Angry

OP posts:
maddening · 10/10/2013 15:14

I would have sat in her front room and hand expressed in to her best china - what a bitch!

She has crossed the line with this!

ivykaty44 · 10/10/2013 15:15

well done, small firm steps forward.

I am sure the well fare of your dc is more important than lavish presents and rewards as the other mum suck up at least you can hold your head high and proud at being your own person.

good for your dp to at last stand in your corner - his baby is his family and his mother needs to know she comes way down the list as extended family to his dc. The family matriarch crap needs to be stopped as far as your family of five are concerned Smile

FrankelInFoal · 10/10/2013 15:29

Well done OP, but stay strong and be prepared for an onslaught in the coming days. One thing I've learnt from MN is that people like your MIL never back down at the first confrontation, and always follow a script.

Donkeyok · 10/10/2013 15:38

So glad you dp is supporting you in this you may have worse to come by the sounds of her. Well done you.

PrimalLass · 10/10/2013 17:32

I think the formula/being sick thing is a red herring. I bf two of mine exclusively, but then switched over to formula, and the change didn't make either of them sick.

My DD was sick whenever she had formula. Every time projectile-stylee. And I wanted her to have it as she bf for 22 months and I was so ready to stop.

sue52 · 10/10/2013 17:44

Well done to your DP. Now he's stood up to her once, it will get easier for him to do it next time she oversteps the line. I just hope she doesn't do it with the children again.

PoppyWearer · 10/10/2013 17:50

Well done OP and your DP! Thanks

youarewinning · 10/10/2013 17:58

I agree with others that she is bonkers, controlling and needs to be stopped. OK, you might be the bad guy in her and the others eyes but in your DC's eyes you'll be the hero and that's what counts.

My XMIL used to buy DS jars of food, on the one occasion she had him I said nuggets or sausage, chips and cucumber/carrot sticks are fine for eating. He was 16 months. Any way I go to get him and he's crying and she's telling me he's been 'naughty' refusing the jar or food she'd got him and pushing the spoon away whilst she tried to feed him. Read ^^ he was 16 months. What did she expect?

unfortunatedischarge · 10/10/2013 18:11

I disagree pictish, my ff babies would get ill on certain formulas and if they were switched. Formula isn't poison but baby tummies can be very sensitive.

enormouse · 10/10/2013 18:12

Like primallass my DS hated formula despite me trying several different brands and attempts to wean him off bf. He was 15months at the time and starting to wear me out.
well done btw OP.

HeadfirstForHalos · 10/10/2013 18:18

"Well done OP, but stay strong and be prepared for an onslaught in the coming days. One thing I've learnt from MN is that people like your MIL never back down at the first confrontation, and always follow a script."

I agree, tell your dh to watch out for any emotional blackmail from her too.

They do seem to follow a script.

seasavage · 10/10/2013 19:48

Hello. I have been lurking around the site, but your post struck such a chord with me. I had nearly word for wordthe same scenario (although in mine my eldest actually threw up over the ex MIL - hurrah). I still occaisionally have to 'deal' with the interfering woman but fortunately through my ex husband.
Stick to your guns, this woman needs to let you and your husband (?) be adults, pretending that she knows better is her failing to acknowledge you as adults and show basic respect. I would call her out on it. But, i was in the fortunate situation of not caring about repercussions.
Calmly write down what you want from her as a grandparent to your children. Ask her if she can do that and outline how you would prefer your and her relationship would be. I wouldn't give her the writing. Just get it clear in your head. Take her for a coffee and talk it through. If she makes a fuss or flips out you have your answer.

DrCoconut · 10/10/2013 22:19

I would have been fuming. My DS's were both EBF and it was very important to me. I had DH's support and we managed to weather the storm of anti BF advice by well meaning I think people.

HaveTeaWillSurvive · 10/10/2013 23:12

Well having struggled to EBF pfb I think this is a highly emotive subject and BF tends to turn women a bit primal so watch you don't end up looking unreasonable - you aren't by the way.

Glad your OH has stepped up.

Original poster
crimsonwitch · 11/10/2013 00:26

Baby is sleeping now and no idea what the fuss is about, but the whole thing has made me wake up. I think I have figured out mil anti bf stance. She never fed her dc and apparently, according to her other dil, thinks that doing it past 4 weeks is disgusting. Hmm It is like what a previous poster pointed out, she is trying to be their parent. However, bf is one thing she can't do, so she tried to manipulate me into ff so she could take over there too. I am not in any way anti ff. I feel a child is happy that they get the milk, wherever it is from, as long as they are loved. I am prepared for the backlash from my confrontation with her, but for now all is quiet.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 11/10/2013 00:33

Why do you let your children spend time with this poisonous woman?

It can't be doing them any good to have to listen to her bitch about you when you are not there.

What are they learning?

Original poster
crimsonwitch · 11/10/2013 00:51

I agree with what you are saying fellows for too many years its been very much a wood for the trees situation. Since I being 15 this is the only family I've had and I suppose I have allowed myself to be sucked in to the disfunction rather than be isolated and ostricised. Time to stand alone and create our own family now and let her get on with ruining her own.

OP posts:
Original poster
crimsonwitch · 11/10/2013 00:54

Sorry for any typos, im on my phone and have fat thumbs.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 11/10/2013 01:00

:o @ fat thumbs

It's understandable that if you've been around her since you were a teenager that it's taken you a while to see her clearly for the nasty bully she is.

I'm sure she took full advantage of your youth and inexperience when you had your eldest to make her bossiness seem normal.

Scarifying · 11/10/2013 01:02

I think you were a bit optimistic leaving the kids with her and not expecting her to do anything wrong given her track record. I wouldn't have left my kids with someone who had smacked a child of mine.
She sounds awful.

Easy to be wise in hindsight but at least you now not to leave them with her again.

Original poster
crimsonwitch · 11/10/2013 02:37

I am envious of people who have good relationships with their mil, and she is the only older female rolemodel I've had. (could write a brand new thread about my own mother) I have allowed her to continue to treat me this way for a long time i feel like such a pathetic mug when i think back to all the incidents. She is definitely not seeing them unsupervised again.

OP posts:
Chottie · 11/10/2013 02:44

I am a GM and yes, things were done differently in 'my' day. But things move and a GM should support her GC parents and respect their views on child rearing. Your MiL is really out of order. She is fortunate that you speak to her still.

Original poster
crimsonwitch · 11/10/2013 02:48

I think that never being backed up and her behaviour being downplayed by others in the family pressured me into letting her get away with totally unreasonable things. Writing it down here and having others validate my concerns has really helped me to see clearer. Thank you for your support MNers

OP posts:
TheTruffleHunter · 11/10/2013 02:50

Crimsonwitch, I do not condone violence. However, in this case, I will personally come and hold your coat.

this. but also well done to your DH for manning up to her, I'm sure that was hard for him. Good to know where your boundaries are tho

Original poster
crimsonwitch · 11/10/2013 03:01

Dp did actually amaze me. He has always been on my side in theory but would never say anything to he, preferring to diffuse the situation and make excuses for her. When we went round I told her how upset I was and she started ranting about how much she has done for me nothing and what a bad mother I am, and how im unfit (due to my mh problems which is her favourite weapon of choice). Dp cuts her off and said how dare she criticise me when she is such a terrible mother!! And I am better than her in every way. My face was like this..Shock No one has EVER spoke to her this way.

OP posts: