To want to punch my MIL in her interfering face?

[crimsonwitch]

I have never quite seen eye to eye with the MIL, but tolerate her passive aggressive superiority because my DC love her and her them. My DP asked her to babysit Ds2 (5 months) for a few hours today while DD (10) and Ds1 (5) were at school, so we could go out for lunch together. It was the first time we have been out alone since he was born, and I was very grateful to MIL for agreeing to have him. Ds2 is ebf and has never had formula, so I expressed enough milk for her to feed him while we were gone. After a lovely lunch with Dp we went to MIL to pick up Ds and he was fast asleep (he should have been hungry by this point). MIL looking very pleased with herself said "The milk you brought looked funny so I threw it out, but Its ok, I brought some formula from asda the other day just incase, and look at the good its done him!" MIL has been anti breastfeeding from the start always dropping totally unreasonable helpful hints on how ff would help Ds sleep better and would give me a break, ff is more socially acceptable, Dp won't bond properly, he is too big to still be breastfeeding etc etc etc.... DP is very supportive of breastfeeding, but he and his whole family won't stand up to his mother no matter how wrong she is. Poor Ds has been sick a few times and is very uncomfortable now. I am in no way against ff by the way, just the way my MIL likes to control things all the fucking time with my dc. I could write a whole novel on her behaviour over the years.

Your MIL is clearly a control freak, and was completely out of order to override your wishes on feeding your DS.

But I agree with ArtexMonkey. It seems unlikely that the formula made him sick - plenty of babies are switched to formula at 5m or younger and they don't all get violently ill. Maybe it was the formula, maybe the bottle wasn't properly clean, maybe it was just a bug. She's not going to agree with you, and you can't prove anything, so don't make yourself look like the unreasonable one here.

Also, sickness aside, the formula probably won't have done any harm. Your DS's gut is likely pretty mature and it was only one bottle. And most babies that are raised on formula are entirely fine (although I agree there are additional risks at a population level).

If I were you, I would stick to not putting up with any more crap from her. And start paying a babysitter.

The formula is is side issue, the fact is that she planned to undermine you to the point that she had bought formula, brought it to your house and was never going to feed anything else to your baby because she is right and you are wrong (in her mind).

She will put her wishes before yours because she does not consider yours to be important. To her mind you are the parent in name only.

For that reason she no longer gets unsupervised access to your children.

As for the smacking? That would have been the end for me right there.

I think that is totally horrific. As a mum of a 4 months old (number 3 so not PFB) - what she is fed is of the utmost importance - it is a natural instinct to nurture your baby at this age. I ff but do not let anyone (other than DH) take responsibility for cleaning and washing bottles or preparing feeds - could be a control freak thing but to me it is instinct, they are so dependent on us at this stage we need to manage what is going on.

I have only left DD with DH and twice (briefly) with other well trusted family members who I trusted to follow my instructions to the letter.

Tbh my MIL would probably do the same thing as yours (i.e. her own thing) and hence would never be trusted with my DD - I only leave my older two with her now aged 5 and 8 for very short periods when she has no option but to follow my normal routine for them.

It isn't about bf/ff (and tbh if she believes ff is ok she won't be bothered about the implications of what she has done) it is about her total disregard for your expertise as your child's mother and IMO you can't leave your child with her again.

Sickened me to read this. What an absolute vile witch. If anyone tried to undermine my breastfeeding relationship with my DD like that a relationship I have fought long and hard for it would be the very last I saw of them. That is not even taking into account her other issues.

Your DH needs to grow up and put this woman right once and for all. Yes, you need to be prepared to be more assertive yourself, but this is HIS mother and he needs to take some responsibility for setting her straight and standing up for you and your children. What a grim state of affairs.

I agree with those who have said just back away and minimise contact. Doubt you will win if you go for a big confrontation and it could backfire on you as you find it difficult to confront and sounds like she has lots of back up. Just be busy, use other babysitters etc. Be strong to her face in future with any episodes but just take the high ground and brush her aside and be confident, no need hopefully for screaming matches as that will play to her strengths rather then yours.

YANBinthefuckingslightestbitU!!!!

Oh my god I would have gone BALLISTIC. I actually think I would have cried if anyone had done that to my ebf son when I was so determined to feed him my milk only and had gone to the effort of expressing.

I am fuming on yr behalf.

Your MIL is like an overgrown six-year-old who gets her own way all the time. She needs to actually meet with consequences for ignoring instructions and requests.

There's no disincentive here for her not to do wwhat she wants.

I would start by never allowing her to babysit again until after he's weaned, at least. It's not like the break would benefit you- you'd be worrying the whole time she had him. Or, like today, your break would be followed by a stressful day with an ill baby, like this lunch out with your husband was.

I would go spare if anyone did this to DD. I'd also charge for the wasted breast milk - the NHS has to pay about £100 a litre I believe. How dare she make a parenting decision?

I know what I want to say, I want to say that you need to tell her, whether that be in person, text or email saying that you will not be needing her help with your child from now on and this is because of the fact she cannot listen to your instructions.

However, in reality I would be screaming, crying and telling my OH to talk to her. What has he said about it? Sorry if I have missed that bit.

Do not let her look after your children again, it wouldn't be very relaxing for you!

If I were caring for a baby for someone for a couple of hours I wouldn't EVER buy formula to take with me just in case.

That woman planned this. She bought formula, in advance for a .

Even for a FF baby one would call to check to see what brand to buy FFS!

She knew what she was doing, and had the formula IN HER BAG as she crossed the threshold of OP's house.

She still didn't mention it.

She chose further NOT to call her son, or the OP to check if the milk was alright and if it was safe to use.

No. She took the FF that she had bought, in advance, for an EBF baby, in full knowledge of that fact, and threw away her mother's milk and made up a bottle.

If she went to this trouble to get at the OP, what else would she do in terms of neglect/lack of care or even wilful HARM to use the vulnerable and helpless child, her own grandchild as collateral damage to hurt her DIL, the OP.

This has to be one of the worst, most insidious cases of abuse of power i've seen since the MIL gave the baby triplets CP.

The MIL here has made her GC sick, and has to be held responsible for this. perhaps she even poisoned the FF she made up.

Given the planning she's already put in, why would she stop at mere contempt of her son's family?

I agree, having calmed down now, that confrontation won't do anything much apart from raise the OP's blood pressure, but coldly and with a measured demeanour, i'd be informing her of my new childcare arrangements the second she commented on lack of contact.

I'd expect her son to back me up too, no excuses.

This was a terrible abuse of power here. :(

For the previous poster who commented on the fact that MIL gets on with the other DILs...could it just be that the other DILs bow down to MIL's wishes more easily, or at least give the appearance of doing so?

Hissy you actually scared me with that post!

I read that the baby was at MIL's house - they went to pick him up. But still don't know why she would have bought formula just in case. Unless there are other ff fed gc?

Either way, she should not have done it. I bet other she pisses off other dils as well.

This would make me want to punch her too.

I would absolutely refuse to allow her to have him alone again.

Sorry for the late reply, but there is news. Ds was unsettled all night and I found out from Mil that she gave him hungry baby milk which probably lay a bit heavy on his tummy and after a very stinky poo this morning he is fine. I dont think formula is evil, I would be more than happy to use it if it was my choice. To the pp who said her other dil like her, they dont. They just suck up to her and reap the benefit. So I spoke to her today and told her how unhappy I was with her behaviour and that we no longer needed her to babysit. Cue massive row and dp FINALLY pulling his finger out and telling her she was out of order. You should of seen her catbum face, teas beautiful.

I think the best you can hope for (given your partner's unwillingness to get involved) is to never again engineer, or have engineered for you, a situation where she can do this sort of thing.

No amount of free childcare is worth this sort of stress. If you rely on her, rework your life.

Ha! x-post

It was beautiful, not teas beautiful. Which it is, just not in this context.

Aha, glad your DH stepped up.
Now don't let her or any other less brave family members wheedle you into backing down. There is every prospect of having a much improved relationship with her if she only learns to respect your role as parents a bit more.

I'm glad you've put your foot down about this, if she thought for a second she'd gotten away with this there'd be no stopping her! She now knows that she's crossed a line and there are consequences so hopefully she will rein herself in. It was definitely a power/control thing and not well meaning.

OP, I think you did very well to remain calm when you picked up your baby. I would have been like Ross on Friends when the guy ate his sandwich.

"YOU THREW MY MILK AWAY?!"

so even just normal formula, but hungry baby stuff?

OP, even without that information, if this were my MIL, there would be pistols at dawn over this.

As others have said, this isn't about BF/FF - although I am as always slightly bemused at the way some mumsnetters speak of formula as if it is liquid devil incarnate - it's about the fact that she seeks to undermine you consistently and has done for years. This was just one more chapter in what sounds like a positive book of undermining issues! Some of the other stuff you've posted seems far more of an issue to me (the smacking of a toddler, the slating of you to your own children, the shoving baby rice in a bottle etc) than the formula one tbh. I am amazed you've been as tolerant as you have been for so long!

Well done on confronting her and good news that your DH finally pulled his finger out too.

diet - i think it's more that the parent has made the decision as to what the child will eat, so, yes, it does come down to BM vs formula in this instance ,because that's the choice - esp as MIL threw away the BM that was provided.

Me and dp have been together since I was 15 and I had dd at 17. I think this is why I allowed this treatment, as I was still a child myself when it started. Reading this thread has turned on a lightbulb and I feel much better about the situation. I dont think it is over but now dp is in my corner I feel better about dealing with her. Thank you for all your help everyone.