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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex is BU, I know he is but if I tell him he will kick off

40 replies

17leftfeet · 09/10/2013 16:41

The agreement is Friday after school to Monday school drop off alternate weeks

Last Friday he couldn't pick up on time so dd went to after school club which has been added to my bill -I'm not asking him for it as money has been a flash point in the past and I can't cope with the argument

He has started dropping dd1 here on Sunday nights as a) she wants to come home and b) it's easier for him rather than trying to get them to 2 different schools

I've asked him to have dd2 tomorrow for a few hours after school and he wants me to pay for his evening meal as payment for additional childcare

He is BU but how do I say bog off without him refusing to have her -I have a hospital appointment which is important so can't risk him letting me down

OP posts:

Original poster

17leftfeet · 09/10/2013 16:42

Alternate weekends, not weeks

OP posts:

Dahlen · 09/10/2013 16:47

I'd smile and say sweetly, "Oh, I assumed you would provide that seeing as I had to pay for childcare when you were unable to collect DD from school last friday."

Seriously, even if it means having to take DD2 to your hospital appointment or begging a favour from a friend, if you allow this to pass you are handing him carte blanche to walk all over you regarding access arrangements and money. If he senses you are too scared to tackle him over it he will push and push and push to see where your boundaries are.

Mothers don't get paid for providing childcare. Why should a non-resident father?

ICameOnTheJitney · 09/10/2013 16:52

Is there anyone else to ask? And regarding the after school club you should inform school that any Friday when HE is in charge, he needs billing not you. Give them his details and ask them to keep you out of that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/10/2013 16:53

You couldn't just say, "let's call it even for the after school care"? Like its nothing... If he kicks off, is there anybody else who will help?

Original poster

17leftfeet · 09/10/2013 17:01

There is no one else no, he is always the last resort because he makes out like he is doing me a massive favour but he has his parents on hand to help where as mine are too far

He already manipulates massively over money and contact and unfortunately he knows I'm scared of him although he was 'sad to realise that'

He's very EA

OP posts:

maddening · 09/10/2013 17:06

Send dc with a meal to heat up?

IneedAsockamnesty · 09/10/2013 17:10

Why can't you take child with you?

Seriously don't give him the pleasure of either frustrating you letting you down or money grabbing.

Original poster

17leftfeet · 09/10/2013 17:16

I'm not taking her as I'm having an MRI and some other tests so it will be a long afternoon at the hospital and I would have to take her out of school

I won't get back in time to pick her up, probably home after 6.30 and don't like to impose

OP posts:

Dahlen · 09/10/2013 17:34

IF I was your friend, I wouldn't consider it an imposition at all. Are you sure there isn't someone you can ask? Part of the effect of your X's EA will be for you to feel that you're not worth someone else being prepared to put themselves out to help you out.

I don't want to pry so I won't ask what the MRI is for, but whatever health issue it is you're going through, I wish you all the very best with it.

Original poster

17leftfeet · 09/10/2013 17:40

I've not actually got any friends get the violins out

Dd has friends at school but I don't know the parents better than a passing nod so wouldn't like to ask them

I did used to have friends but I have been very much isolated

OP posts:

Dahlen · 09/10/2013 17:53

That's not uncommon after a relationship like the one you've had with your XH. It will change with time if you are able to make the effort to make new friends.

I don't know what your financial situation is like, but if you can afford it you could try asking the after school club if they could keep DD for a bit longer. My club does this by prior arrangement as long as it's not a regular thing.

Alternatively, you could have a word with the school and tell them your X is messing you about so you don't feel you can rely on his childcare. Therefore you either need to take DD out of school with you, or not have a badly needed scan unless they can help you come up with an alternative childcare plan. They are not unused to this and many schools are really willing to help. Often they will have CRB-approved people they know of who can help for example.

You shouldn't have to do any of this, especially at a time when you are not well. I am with your X on your behalf and very for you. I wouldn't hold it against you if you caved in and just paid up for a quiet life right now. Under the circumstances it is going to take a lot of bravery and mental resilience to do otherwise. But if you can struggle through this to find a way of putting your X in his place, it would really, really, really be worth it and make your life so much easier in the long run.

TheGreatBritishFuckOff · 09/10/2013 17:59

Hang on, he wants you to pay for HIS evening meal. Yu arent talking about your DD's?

clam · 09/10/2013 18:08

I know it's going to be difficult, but I would do ANYTHING rather than give in to him, on this one. So please, find someone, ANYONE, who could help you if he won't. Once you've told him where he can stick his evening meal, that is.

Dahlen · 09/10/2013 18:10

It's outrageous isn't it! Fits the profile though. Any man who thinks he is doing the mother of his child a 'favour' by looking after his own child is a fuckwit who really wouldn't see anything wrong in expecting payment for his 'favour'.

I suspect you're not strong enough yet 17 but hopefully at some point you'll be able to turn round and tell him a few home truths designed to make him feel shit. Such as "How lovely for our DD to feel that she's a chore you have to be paid to engage with."

Terrortree · 09/10/2013 18:24

Can you send your son with a lunchbox for after school, something like a cold rice salad with chicken or such which would suffice as an evening meal? Or perhaps, at a stretch, a microwaveable meal?

Would make DH realise that he's being a bit naff, whilst simultaneously solving your DH's problem in a very passive aggressive way...

YoureBeingADick · 09/10/2013 18:48

I have had it to the back teeth of hearing about assholes like this. Grrre. So angry to read this. Sorry i have no helpful advice- im in a similar situation although thankful im not unwell. I wish you strength and a downpour of great new friends to help you through this.

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat · 09/10/2013 19:08

Are you able to talk to the school and see if they could have your daughter tomorrow if there is an after school club as a once off?

If I was a friend or someone at your school, I'd look after your DD. But you don't know me and I don't have a school aged child, so it would be unlikely anyway.

I'm not sure what else can be done. Either give into his behaviour just for the sake of this appointment and then firmly put your foot down afterwards or put your food down now.

I seriously would recommend doing it after the appointment though as I'm sure that is such a hassle already. Just get by saying whatever you have to say and then when this appointment is over tell him clearly that how he is behaving is ridiculous. Let him strop as much as he likes, that's his problem.

I hate it when grown men act more like children than their actual children.

Topseyt · 09/10/2013 19:08

She is his child too. He seems to be conveniently forgetting that.

I have no experience to draw on here, but I think he has a real nerve asking for payment for providing dinner. You provide it for many other days, so why shouldn't he?

clam · 09/10/2013 19:48

Topseyt It's not dinner for the child, but for him.

Yes, he's THAT much of an entitled arsehole!

quoteunquote · 09/10/2013 21:48

Could you ask his parents without involving him?

Original poster

17leftfeet · 09/10/2013 21:52

Sorry, not been able to get back to the thread -cant think why??

His parents won't do anything without his say so or he threatens them with not seeing the dcs

I'm going to put a ready meal in dds bag and see if he says anything

OP posts:

Topseyt · 09/10/2013 22:27

I wasn't quite sure which way round it was. Got a lot going on at the moment, so got the wrong end of the stick.

Either way, yes, he is being an arsehole. Why should you pay for his meal?

cestlavielife · 09/10/2013 23:46

What does his evening meal consist of? Send a cheapo packet dry pasta.

But ask at after school club if any of the staff baby sit, have someone take dd home and wiait for you there. Better you pay smene reliable than have him have a hold over you.

Lilacroses · 09/10/2013 23:56

Bloody hell what an arsehole!! You have my sympathies OP. He is looking after his own child ffs! Sosorry you are having health problems in addition to putting up with this prick.

ICameOnTheJitney · 10/10/2013 00:00

Listen OP....I know that this time, you don't have anyone to ask but can I suggest that you try to reach out to people a bit? Begin by asking some DC over to play with yours after school....remain friendly and light with their parents....if they ask your DC back to play another time then it will open up some communications...I have a couple of my DC friends whose parents I could ask to collect DD in an emergency....everyone needs this...can you also reassure your exes parents that you would never stop them seeing DC and then they might get on your side a bit?

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