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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex is BU, I know he is but if I tell him he will kick off

40 replies

17leftfeet · 09/10/2013 16:41

The agreement is Friday after school to Monday school drop off alternate weeks

Last Friday he couldn't pick up on time so dd went to after school club which has been added to my bill -I'm not asking him for it as money has been a flash point in the past and I can't cope with the argument

He has started dropping dd1 here on Sunday nights as a) she wants to come home and b) it's easier for him rather than trying to get them to 2 different schools

I've asked him to have dd2 tomorrow for a few hours after school and he wants me to pay for his evening meal as payment for additional childcare

He is BU but how do I say bog off without him refusing to have her -I have a hospital appointment which is important so can't risk him letting me down

OP posts:

BillyBanter · 10/10/2013 00:04

Are his parents ok? Do you get on with them and do you trust them with the children?

I'd think about speaking to them and saying you will always make sure they have contact with their GC then his threats to them will lose their power and you will be able to call on them for help sometimes.

Original poster

17leftfeet · 10/10/2013 05:49

I do try to talk to people but the opportunities are few and far between, I work full time and she's in childcare from 7.30-5.30

I've asked about the after school staff babysitting and they will if its totally separate from school, what they won't do is take children straight from ASC as it blurs the rules

His parents are lovely but scared of him, it doesn't matter what reassurances I give them, they know he will find a way to make life difficult but his mum has a family first no matter what the cost ethos -he's her son and it doesn't seem to matter what he does, he's always forgiven

The meal he's expecting is a takeaway btw

OP posts:

Hissy · 10/10/2013 07:43

Get yourself a proper babysitter so you don't have to ask him.

Then TELL him that there's no way you'll pay him to look after his own child, and 'feeding' him is his not your job! Remind him that most normal men would be happy for the time with their children.

..but, as he clearly isn't one of them you'll make alternative arrangements in thé future.

You need him to pay half any after school care anyway,

Hissy · 10/10/2013 07:44

Oh and LET him kick off! Nothing to do with you that he can't deal with what other people would classify as completely normal.

Most people would be told to FTFO if demanding being fed in payment for looking after their own child.

What a twat!

kungfupannda · 10/10/2013 07:51

Could you contact any of the local childminders to see if they could do a one-off pick-up?

Original poster

17leftfeet · 10/10/2013 10:27

hissy

Him pay for after school childcare????

You're having a laugh aren't you?

It's hard enough getting the minimal amount of maintenance he pays off him

OP posts:

Hissy · 10/10/2013 10:35

Oh I completely understand, and he's a total sperm donor, but it doesn't change what OUGHT to be the case!

So tell him he's a tool, tell him he's not being good enough, let him kick off!

What's he gonna do about it?

Stop paying maintenance? CSA for that.

His parents have allowed him to get like this, they can be too scared of him if they like, but you don't have to be!

you don't have to show your son that it's ok for him or his dad to behave like this.

Just use the phrases 'real men' and 'good men' do this that and the other to yourself and others and you'll believe it, and your dc will grow up to believe it too.

My sympathies are with you for having such a pathetic and twatty man in your child's life. I'm in the same boat, but NO maintenance, and he's (thankfully) thousands of miles away.

WilsonFrickett · 10/10/2013 10:35

Stick a ready meal in DD's bag. You honestly don't have the stomach for this fight just now, I can see it in your posts that you are feeling defeated ((hugs)). And part of recovering from EA is to put your own feelings first, imo. You need to save your strength for your hospital appointment and your health issues. That's OK, there's no right or wrong way to come back from this.

I would start to think about how you can build your network so you're not relying on XP for anything other than his contact. Stop making it about him, start thinking 'how can I meet other people and make life more pleasant for me and DDs?' There will be other people at school who are lovely and who could help you out. The trick is finding them.

I appreciate you work so don't do school gates, but what about after school or weekend activities? I met one of my best friends pool side... Is there anyone at after school DD would like to have back for tea one evening? Start putting yourself out there a bit - I know it's hard, but ultimately it's going to be more rewarding than relying on your X.

I hope the hospital goes OK for you

haverer · 11/10/2013 06:16

I hope things went ok for you yesterday. It's beyond awful that even when you've got health worries he's still looking for pathetic ways to try to exert control.
I agree with others - start working towards a place where you don't need his favours. Can you suggest having your DDs friends over to play at the weekend? These things usually are reciprocated.

I'm so glad he's now your ex. After EA and the impact that can have on your confidence, breaking up must have taken a lot of strength. But he's still got a bit of control. I think a further push in terms of doing things even if he does kick off would show him he's no longer able to get his kicks by bullying you.

Finally, have you thought about what takeaway you're going to have every Sunday evening when he drops your DD back early?

lunar1 · 11/10/2013 06:20

I hope it all went ok.

Original poster

17leftfeet · 11/10/2013 07:15

Hospital appointment was ok, results back in 2 weeks

I sent a ready meal and when I got her back he asked me why and gave it me back

Apparently feeding him was a joke and besides which 'since when did I eat ready meals'

He thinks I know him well enough to have a joke -I was with him for 13 years and I don't know him at all!

OP posts:

wheredidiputit · 11/10/2013 10:15

Glad your appointment went well.

As for the ready meal he just pissed you called his bluff. If you hadn't sent it then your dc would not have been fed.

hellsbellsmelons · 11/10/2013 10:32

Glad it got sorted out and very glad that he didn't ask you to pay for his meal!

Have you done the WA Freedom Programme?
Fingers crossed for 2 weeks time for you!

haverer · 11/10/2013 14:40

Glad the logistics went ok. You know it wasn't a joke - it was a mind-game, or a climb-down, and probably not the first time he's tried something like that. I second the idea if doing the freedom programme.

Hissy · 11/10/2013 19:05

Yeah, you'd have shown him up to be the tosser he is if he'd have actually used that ready meal.

And note that he included himself in the eating of said meal, as if you'd sent it for him to eat and not your child!

Ha ha ha! Well done!

Hope the hospital thing turns out ok!

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