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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DP should be divorced 5 years on?

37 replies

FigRolls · 09/10/2013 13:00

DP and I have been together for 5 years. We were both separated when we met, I was divorced a few months later but he still isn't and hasn't tried to be. He has no contact with his exW, though he does have her solicitors details so could sort it out. I don't want to get married but I don't think him remaining married is right. We both have children and now one together. He'd just got the decree nisi when we tried for the baby but has done nothing since. I told him 1.5 years ago that I didn't want to live together until he was divorced but he still isn't and so isn't living with me. His exW got in touch today and wants to remarry so he's taken the day off to go and sort it out with her. AIBU in thinking 5 years is too long to have waited and to feel resentful that him not being able to live with me and our child should've been enough incentive? He seems to think I should be jumping for joy.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 09/10/2013 13:05

You have a child with someone you're not living with

You could have chosen not to do it backwards - why have a kid with someone not commuted enough to you to get divorced first?

I think he was hedging his bets and not really committed and you are very understandably pissed off.

Squitten · 09/10/2013 13:08

Perhaps you should have thought of all that before having a child....?

You should want better for yourself and your child than a man who can't be bothered to commit to your family.

IneedAsockamnesty · 09/10/2013 13:16

Nothing wrong with having a child when you don't live together and all parties are happy with this and still co parent well.

But you are not happy with this.

Original poster

FigRolls · 09/10/2013 13:16

He had the decree nisi when I fell pregnant, it should've been six weeks until he was divorced. I thought it'd take longer to conceive as I have fertility issues by which time he would have been divorced and age wasn't on my side to wait.

OP posts:

Bearbehind · 09/10/2013 13:17

His ex wife got in touch today and he has taken today off work to sort out something he wouldn't do for you over 5 years! Words fail me.

TheFallenNinja · 09/10/2013 13:17

Thing is, if he divorced today, would you want him there now?

livinginwonderland · 09/10/2013 13:18

This all sounds really odd.

You're annoyed that he wouldn't initiate the divorce process (which is fair enough), and wouldn't move in with him, but you still had a baby with him? Surely if you wouldn't move in with someone because they were still married, you wouldn't actively decide to start a family with them?

Sounds to me like he didn't want to get divorced because he didn't want to live with you and commit to you. Sorry.

MissStrawberry · 09/10/2013 13:22

How do you feel now that he is sorting the divorce because is wife asked him too and what will you do if he doesn't still want to live with you? If he does move in are you going to share the bills 50/50 or will he say your house = your bills?

Be careful.

Original poster

FigRolls · 09/10/2013 13:26

Bear behind - precisely!! He has absolutely no clue that I'm pissed off or why I might be. Ninja - I really don't know anymore. I've been raising our child single handedly, co-sleeping (because I enjoy it but mainly to stop baby waking my other child as I have no one to help out) and unable to work at night because of this which has damaged my career and he expects to move in, baby to be in their own room etc. I feel like telling him to fuck off to be honest.

OP posts:

BrokenSunglasses · 09/10/2013 13:26

I think you should have waited until the divorce was final before you had a child with him if it bothers you, which it clearly does.

I don't think there's any right or wrong length of time to wait between separation and divorce. It's entirely down to the couple that got married, and as they are fine with it in this case, they didn't do anything wrong.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/10/2013 13:27

Well I'm 4 years on and still even filed for divorce.
I have the papers but obviously they are no good because things have changed a lot in 4 years.
I have no motivation to really.
He cheated, so why should I have to do everything.
If he came to me and said he wanted to remarry so he was sorting it all out and paying for it then I'd happily divorce him.
Lots of people don't bother to divorce.
But.... in your case the process was almost complete so that is a bit odd.
But really, I can't be bothered and don't want to pay so just not bothering.
That's all there is to it sometimes.

CoffeeTea103 · 09/10/2013 13:27

You should have sorted all this out before deciding to have a baby. So basically now the decision was made for him by his ex wanting to get married. Its a bit late now to be feeling resentful tbh. And you are ok with him not living with you because he didn't want the divorce? Why would you accept such a reason??

Original poster

FigRolls · 09/10/2013 13:28

He does want to move in. It's not that he's doing it because she asked that annoys me, it's that doing it for our child and I wasn't reason enough. He's had so much time to sort it but hasn't.

OP posts:

Original poster

FigRolls · 09/10/2013 13:30

But hells bells, you would bother if it was preventing you from living with your child, right?

OP posts:

RevelsRoulette · 09/10/2013 13:32

ime, people do those things that they want to do and avoid those things that they don't.

In 5 years, he never sorted this out - despite knowing that you wanted him to. In 1.5 years he never sorted this out despite knowing that he could not live with you and his child until he did.

Yet he didn't bother.

That tells me that he didn't want to live as a family with you.

Why else would he not sort it out?

Now the decision has been made for him, he expects you to be grateful?

and he's just going to stroll into your home, put his feet up and expect that the house is run to his liking?

It's your decision, obviously, but you don't need a crystal ball to see that this will not end well for you.

Just out of interest - how involved has he been with his child? Does he spend great lengths of time caring for the baby? Is he a dab hand with nappies and bath time? Has he done his fair share of night duties? Or has he skipped the tiring time altogether and left you to it?

CoffeeTea103 · 09/10/2013 13:33

But he is doing it now because she asked isn't he? Yes I would be hugely worried if he chose to live apart from his own baby just because he couldn't divorce her in 5 years.

Squitten · 09/10/2013 13:34

Why are you raising your child single-handedly? Why isn't he coming over every day to see his child and be a parent?

More to the point, if he wants to move in then why haven't you let him? You already have a child together FFS - bit late to be quibbling over whether or not to live together!

I don't understand the logic you're employing at all

squeakytoy · 09/10/2013 13:34

So let me get this right. He wants to move in, but you wont let him because he isnt divorced, yet you were happy to have a child, and deny the child a chance to grow up living with its father because he wasnt divorced...

okaaayyy

Bonsoir · 09/10/2013 13:35

He sounds a bit disorganised and selfish... which I can understand pisses you off!

redexpat · 09/10/2013 13:35

So he'll get divorced for her sake, but not for yours? I'm not surprised you're pissed off.

I think you feel he is having an easy ride, as the child you have together hasn't impacted on his life in the same way it has yours.

Bottom line - do you want to work at this relationship? In which case I think counselling is the only way to go really. Or do you just want to call it quits?

BrokenSunglasses · 09/10/2013 13:35

It's not preventing him living with his child. You are doing that because you have chosen not to allow him to live with you until he's divorced.

It's your choice, and partly a consequence of the two of you TTC before the divorce was final. I think it's too late for you to complain about it now.

expatinscotland · 09/10/2013 13:36

You tried for a baby knowing he was still married. You have reaped what you have sown by carrying on with this guy and brought a child into the whole car crash. You were being unreasonable to start a family with this person.

MinesAPintOfTea · 09/10/2013 13:39

Is it possible that he was worried about her making it into a more difficult and drawn-out process than it needs to be. When she turned up and said she wanted to get it sorted then he knew that it would actually not be that painful.

Also for a no-fault divorce after separation to be done by just one party 5 years separation is needed.

Whatdoiknowanyway · 09/10/2013 13:43

You say he has children but has had no contact with his first wife. So what's been happening with his other children? Does he see them?

Original poster

FigRolls · 09/10/2013 13:44

There are debts involved in the divorce so him living with me beforehand puts me at risk financially - I'm not just saying no to be petty.

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