To think DP should be divorced 5 years on?

[FigRolls]

DP and I have been together for 5 years. We were both separated when we met, I was divorced a few months later but he still isn't and hasn't tried to be. He has no contact with his exW, though he does have her solicitors details so could sort it out. I don't want to get married but I don't think him remaining married is right. We both have children and now one together. He'd just got the decree nisi when we tried for the baby but has done nothing since. I told him 1.5 years ago that I didn't want to live together until he was divorced but he still isn't and so isn't living with me. His exW got in touch today and wants to remarry so he's taken the day off to go and sort it out with her. AIBU in thinking 5 years is too long to have waited and to feel resentful that him not being able to live with me and our child should've been enough incentive? He seems to think I should be jumping for joy.

Cutting your nose off to spite your face much?

He sounds lie a real catch! Why do people continually procreate with such losers?

Goodness me how did you get to this point?

You want him to be divorced, he is getting divorced. Let go of it and let him move in...unless you like him not living with you both?

I think you need to look at the odd power struggles you have, that have prevented you from being a family. Why you have both allowed this to spoil your quality of life.

Odd.

It still makes no sense.

You say he WANTS to live with you, yet you're the one not letting him move in. You wouldn't let him move in until he was divorced, but you had a child together? He wants to move in and be a hands on dad, so why not just let him live with you? A baby is MUCH more of a commitment than moving in together.

Also, like Mines said, you need 5 years apart before you can get a no-fault divorce. DP had to wait 5 years for his divorce to be finalised because his ex wouldn't agree to it, so maybe that had something to do with it as well.

But the debts wouldn't be an issue if you kept separate finances, surely? Unless he has bailiffs after him? In which case, you should have said that was the reason, not that he wasn't divorced yet.

I am sorry. I understand how you can feel.

There are some red flags in what you write.

he expects to move in with babies in their room.

How would you say you communicate normally? Living together means sharing housework, child care, etc. have you both discussed what will work for both of you?

Does he pay for all his children?

You really think that the problem here is that he isn't divorced? Wow.
What on earth were you thinking purposefully having a baby with someone who was a) married to someone else, b) not living with you and c) a total wanker.
I'm sorry that its all a mess, but you can't just blame him for it. You had a big part of creating this shitstorm.

No he wasn't waiting for the 5 year mark. For the first 2 years he said he was waiting for the 2 year mark. His wife has always wanted divorce, just not bothered sorting it. He's paying the debts alone and so can't afford to contribute to my house at all.

I think the last thing you should do is let him movein with you once his divorce is finalised. It sounds like there are real issues here, and can you really get past him not bothering to get divorced so he could live with you?

Has he left it so he hasn't had to deal with all the hard stuff with a newborn? How hands on is he as a Dad? how much time does he spend with you as a family?

It all sounds incredibly fucked up tbh.

You put living together with him as a divorced man as a bigger deal and more important than having a baby by someone who was still married to someone else. I find that quite amazing really

If he can't contribute to your house, where is he living? I hope he's giving you money for baby. Is he paying for his other children? Does he have a job?

You can't place the blame solely on him. You chose to have a child with him knowing his situation - you need to accept some responsibility for that. If you didn't want to live with someone with debt, you shouldn't have had a baby with him, because now you're tied to him for life. If he can't afford to contribute to your household, how do you expect him to provide money for your child?

Your priorities seem to be really all over the place here. I feel sorry for your child.