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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be irritated by my DM & DF expecting me to choose presents for everyone

29 replies

PhoebeLaura · 09/10/2013 11:43

Every year it is the same. My DM and DF ask me what my DCs, DH and I (and even my siblings) would like for birthday and Christmas and I am expected to do all the research and email them links to suitable presents. It drives me mad as I just don't have the time (3 DCs under 5 and my own business) and I feel like it takes away the point of giving a gift, ie. choosing something for a loved one.
I am grateful that they are so generous but AIBU to be getting cross and if not how can I explain without hurting their feelings.
Btw, they are sprightly retirees with lots of free time and able to use internet.

OP posts:

ceeveebee · 09/10/2013 11:48

If you really don't mind what they buy, then can't you just say "get a nice surprise"
I think when it comes to young DCs though, people like to be given at least a steer - what toys they already have, what they are into etc. You might end up with duplicate presents which you then have to return and take up more of your time!

Original poster

PhoebeLaura · 09/10/2013 11:53

I suggested LEGO for DC1 and they asked which type exactly! take your point about returning unsuitable gifts though

OP posts:

CoffeeTea103 · 09/10/2013 11:57

They ask you because you would most likely know best what they need or like. Doesn't seem they have bad intentions. Just tell them that they like surprises

MsWilliamTheBloody · 09/10/2013 11:58

My in-laws do this.

And then don't buy what I suggest anyway.

MammaTJ · 09/10/2013 11:59

My DM does not use the internet. She just puts £100 in my bank account and tells me to spend £20 on each of us. I don't mind though. We all get what we want.

Original poster

PhoebeLaura · 09/10/2013 11:59

they definitely don't have bad intentions.
I think i get wound up because I seem to be the family decision maker and organiser for everything, not just this.

OP posts:

CMOTDibbler · 09/10/2013 12:01

Get your dcs and dh to do an Amazon wishlist. Then your parents can choose from there, and you all get a surprise.
Takes no time to do really - I just add to mine as I think of things, and ds knows now to ask to add things to his that he wants. No chance of duplication either

girlywhirly · 09/10/2013 12:18

I suspect they are being over cautious so as not to get duplicates or something unsuitable for the ages of the DC. TBH, I would rather know in advance what they were likely to be buying rather than it be a complete disaster, not what the DC wanted or liked, not played with or used.

I think that asking you about your own family's wishes is acceptable, I think they are unreasonable to expect you to research and suggest presents for your siblings though. Perhaps you could explain to DM & D that you are very busy at this time of year with work and can only deal with your own family's presents. Sounding you out about a suitable gift for X along the lines of 'do you think X would like such and such for Christmas' is to be expected because it's just an opinion they want, but to provide the ideas and the research is too much. So you could add that when they have an idea of what to get they are welcome to run it past you, which might soften the blow a bit. Hint that browsing the internet is a great source of inspiration which they have the luxury of being able to do anytime. Also remind them that all the major high street stores do gift catalogues.

Spelt · 09/10/2013 12:21

My mother does this. Amazon wish list is a great idea.

Heymacarena · 09/10/2013 12:24

YANBU op.

I get this too. Both my parents and the in laws have me finding out what 3 dss want, ordering it online and then they pay me by a cheque. Which to bank entails a 30 minute drive to the next town.

It's no wonder I find this time of year a pita!!

Original poster

PhoebeLaura · 09/10/2013 12:26

My DM gives me cheques too and then gets really cross if I haven't cashed them within 2 days

OP posts:

yomellamoHelly · 09/10/2013 12:26

At least they buy what you've linked to. Am also asked to do this. They then don't act on the email 'til the last moment and then it's sold out. Then I get a request for more ideas.

Famzilla · 09/10/2013 12:26

I think it's fair to ask about you, your DC's & DH. But your siblings, no. Unless they're just asking an opinion on something they're thinking of.

Original poster

PhoebeLaura · 09/10/2013 12:28

amazon wishlist might be the way forward, even though I would still have to do the research, at least I could do it when I have time rather than all at same time of year (autumn birthdays so run up to Christmas too).

OP posts:

Original poster

PhoebeLaura · 09/10/2013 12:30

Agree I need to stop doing it for the siblings. not sure how though

OP posts:

SpudtheScarecrow · 09/10/2013 12:38

My MIL does this - I don't mind so much for the DCs as mine are a bit older now and so have their own (very long) wish lists but it drives me mad that she always asks what to buy for DH for birthday and Christmas when I find it hard enough to think of presents for him from me and the DCs. Also annoys me that she always asks me and not DH about the kids as obviously it's a woman's job but that maybe another thread!

I do love my MIL though and realise she's very generous and wants to get them things they'll like so I don't moan too much

redexpat · 09/10/2013 12:41

Another vote for amazon wishlist.

EldritchCleavage · 09/10/2013 13:39

Email your parents today and say they have to sort out the siblings' presents themselves from now on. Copy your siblings in. If anyone complains, you can point out the complete taking-the-piss aspect of any adult expecting a third party to negotiate what Xmas presents they get from another adult.

As for your children, just ask for vouchers this year, or do the Amazon wishlist.

HorryIsUpduffed · 09/10/2013 14:47

Wishlist sounds clever. Must get on that this year. PIL like to have their Christmas shopping done by about September the middle of November so they will be asking soon.

DM/DF and PIL always do what OP's parents do. And I always think "bugger off, it's hard enough for us to think of things to get them without giving away our best ideas"

We have tried "something with on" in previous years which has worked well - last year DS1's theme was dinosaurs and he had books, toys/models and a lunchbox with dinosaurs on. The same "thing" but lots of variety. Would that work better than "he likes Lego" ?

re siblings, can you not just say "I have no idea, you see him/her more than I do" ? I sometimes get consulted along the lines of "do you think DB/SIL would like xxx?" but I don't have to supply suggestions for them too.

girlywhirly · 09/10/2013 15:01

You could talk to the siblings and say that you are being asked by DP's to provide Christmas present ideas and details thereof for their (the siblings) gifts. Ask the siblings to suggest ideas directly to their parents as you are simply too busy at this time with your business to do all the organising.

mrsjay · 09/10/2013 16:28

My mum is the same what would they like erm just whatever mum mmm im not sure they are so big now I can never think , well mum why dont you get them some vouchers and a jumper or something oh no. So i end up traipsing about the shops with her while she shops for christmas presents, she spend quite a bit on them so it is A LOT Of shops then i need to look for dh last year she excelled herself why don't we look for you, sigh I have a sister who could help her but sister always seems to be busy every year

mrsjay · 09/10/2013 16:31

oh and my mum and dad never trusts buying off the computer what if the money goes missing and you dont get your stuff

Puffinlover · 09/10/2013 19:04

My DM (retired, always on her iPad, tells me she gets bored a lot at home with not much to do) has never bought any gifts for my DCs. She is very generous with the cash at birthday and Christmas time but leaves it to me to choose gifts, buy them and wrap them up. Its not even mentioned any more, just assumed this is what will happen. I used to feel a little annoyed about this (we both work and always have loads to wrap up anyway!) and she would have plenty of time to sort and wrap gifts even if she asked us for ideas. But I just accept now that she won't change and plan the gifts from her in as part of my Christmas shopping. But I'm loving the idea of the amazon wish lists now....

BackforGood · 09/10/2013 19:28

YABU - how lovely that your family will all get something they actually want / will fit / will suit / is the right version, etc.
FAR better than some random thing that isn't really suitable for age / they don't like / they've already got / will never use, etc.

All our family think about 'wish lists' beforehand, and it's just easier to send a link if you want something really specific, rather than 'a scarf' or 'a football' or similar.

unfortunatedischarge · 09/10/2013 19:31

just have them pay you back and buy an extra gift when actually out and about for kids. Do not buy for siblings..thats their job!

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