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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why is it always the OW's fault?

64 replies

shewhowines · 09/10/2013 11:36

I see time and time again where the husband who cheated, is allowed to stay or is wanted back or is the poor bloke who couldn't resist temptation. The scorned wife spends all her emotional energy blaming and hating the OW.

Whilst, yes of course, the OW is morally in the wrong, but it is the DH who chose to have an affair. It is him and only him who can be blamed. Unless the OW is a close friend, she is a free agent and has not betrayed you. Yes, she shouldn't have got involved with someone who is not available, but she should not deserve all the vitriol normally dished out.

AIBU?

OP posts:
angelos02 · 09/10/2013 11:39

YABNBU

TigerBabyyy · 09/10/2013 11:41

Yanbu

meditrina · 09/10/2013 11:48

It's perfectly possible to blame the OW (or OM) whilst blaming the betryaing spouse even more. it's not limited, or mutually exclusive.

And unless you think that every person who has an affair is going to just do it with anyone, then the OW/OM is also an active participant in the betrayal (unless they did not know of the marriage/LTR).

WorraLiberty · 09/10/2013 11:50

YANBU

I guess it's natural though if you're hurting.

MsWilliamTheBloody · 09/10/2013 11:51

Totally agree.

However, I think when you've been cheated on, you're hurting and most likely still love your husband/boyfriend it's probably easier emotionally to rip the OW to shreds rather than dealing with the fact that your bloke just isn't that into you any more.

:(

monicalewinski · 09/10/2013 11:51

What do you want people to say, really??

Of course YANBU on the face of it, but until you have been in the situation it is always going to be that black and white.

Yes, the OW owes you nothing and the husband is 100% to blame for what he has chosen to do - BUT, the OW does have a moral responsibility to others and not just herself (as does every human being, IMO).

By knowingly, willingly and actively carrying on with the deceitful behaviour that an affair involves - BOTH parties are equally responsible.

Many shades of grey in these situations, not as stark a blame choice as you imply.

For those reasons, YABU.

CoffeeTea103 · 09/10/2013 11:53

Yanbu, I think people would rather blame the other woman as it's easier to accept. The ow unless a close friend/relative really owes you nothing. She didn't commit to you, he did. Guess it's just a way of dealing with the betrayal.

Original poster
shewhowines · 09/10/2013 11:57

Yes I agree that it's easier to blame the OW, but surely you are deluding yourself and its not that healthy. It seems very common though. Just makes me a bit angry that the DH seems to get away with it so often.

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 09/10/2013 11:59

I can't really judge anyone on how they deal with the fallout from an affair.

Is it healthy to blame the OW more? probably not. None of it is healthy. Whatever helps get the person through I guess.

Sidge · 09/10/2013 12:05

Oh I don't know, I'm not sure that the man 'gets away with it' as it often leads to a relationship breakdown. When you've been married or with someone for many years and have children together I don't think it's unreasonable to try and make a go of the marriage. Vilification of the OW may be a way of channelling the hatred for the situation and all the horrid feelings you have in a 'safe' way. It doesn't mean you don't have negative hateful feelings for the cheater too.

Not so much about absolving the cheater of any blame but about acknowledging that the OW was (nearly all of the time) an active part in the affair and people who can do that are generally Not Very Nice People.

noddyholder · 09/10/2013 12:09

I think it is never her fault

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/10/2013 12:10

YANBU. The cheating husband may get the blame but the real vitriol is often reserved for the OW. Single women cannot be expected to police the behaviour of other people's partners.

ObamasElfWithAOuijaBoard · 09/10/2013 12:10

I blame my dad just as much as I blame the OW. But she KNEW he had a wife and young children and she kept persuing it.

monicalewinski · 09/10/2013 12:13

Nobody expects people to police the behaviour of others, but I do expect people to police their own behaviour.

Both participants in an affair are actively pursuing their own desires and wants and are inherently selfish, neither participant is blameless.

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime · 09/10/2013 12:13

because it makes the DH passive. whereas actually he has chosen the OW in some sort of way.

Sinful1 · 09/10/2013 12:13

Because it's easier and more comforting.f to believe that the ow manipulated/corrupted those husband and pulled them astray than to think that he either wasn't the man she knew or that he just got bored of her.

Lilacroses · 09/10/2013 12:17

I agree to an extent but don't think the Ow has no responsibility for the situation at all. I wouldn't start a relationship with someone that wasn't single and am dismayed that people do. However, I agree that the larger proportion of blame should be directed at the spouse/partner.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/10/2013 12:21

"she KNEW he had a wife and young children "

But he KNEW that as well. Yes there's a morality deal and issues of self-respect and responsibility etc but, if you're dealing with a decent man, you can pursue them all you like and they don't cave.

lunar1 · 09/10/2013 12:23

I think that the person being cheated on has the right to be angry with whichever of them she chooses. I dont think anyone has the right to make the innocent person feel guilty about how they deal with it.

Lilacroses · 09/10/2013 12:24

Agreed Cogito but it's still not an ok thing to do and I don't agree that the OW has nothing to answer for. That's not the same as saying the husband was pressurised or any less culpable than they are.

ovenbun · 09/10/2013 12:24

but she has loved him...she has never loved the other woman...It would be great to be logical and rational and blame the bloke, but when love gets involved things arent so clear cut.

TheresaMcQueen · 09/10/2013 12:24

YANBU. I think its easier for women to blame the OW as some sort of temptress so the relationship can be salvaged rather than face up to the fact their DH is someone who has chosen to cheat. Its probably a coping mechanism to help them through the fact this person they thought they knew and loved had this whole other side to them. Much harder to deal with the fact your DH has become a stranger.

Sparklysilversequins · 09/10/2013 12:26

I'm always a bit on the fence about the general MN consensus that the OW should not be blamed. I am more of the opinion that she should not be blamed entirely eg "that bitch stole my man!" But I do think they deserve an equal share of the blame.

I had a friend who wished a miscarriage on the girlfriend of the man she was seeing. She also in all seriousness asked me to hire a car so she could follow him to his home and watch how he and his GF got on.

I myself was 7 months pregnant when my ex had an affair and on their third "date" she told him she had heard I was pregnant and was it true, he confirmed it and she continued to see him anyway. You've got to be a real twat to do those things IMO.

So maybe not ALL the blame but certainly a fair share.

Lazyjaney · 09/10/2013 12:26

The MN mantra is that the MM is a bastard, the OW a bitch and the Wronged Wife is a fragrant innocent.

In truth, affairs and reasons for them are extremely varied - all 3 can be anything from really nice people to complete shits, even at the same time.

ObamasElfWithAOuijaBoard · 09/10/2013 12:27

Yes Cogito which I why I said he's as much to blame as her. He caved, he was fickle. I'm aware of that, I grew up knowing that.

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