Why is it always the OW's fault?

[shewhowines]

I see time and time again where the husband who cheated, is allowed to stay or is wanted back or is the poor bloke who couldn't resist temptation. The scorned wife spends all her emotional energy blaming and hating the OW.

Whilst, yes of course, the OW is morally in the wrong, but it is the DH who chose to have an affair. It is him and only him who can be blamed. Unless the OW is a close friend, she is a free agent and has not betrayed you. Yes, she shouldn't have got involved with someone who is not available, but she should not deserve all the vitriol normally dished out.

AIBU?

So, as a complete stranger to the wife an OW owes her nothing. OK, I can buy that I guess. It might be argued that the rules of decent human interaction dictate that one human shouldn't do anything to hurt another, but I suppose I can accept that; if it comes to what you want versus what someone else wants, self-interest is going to win out. It might not be kind behvaiour but we aren't all saints. OK..... so fair enough, an OW owes nothing to the BW and shouldn't be held accountable. There is no link or bond between them.

But in that case, why would an OW care what she thinks? Why would she upset or in the slightest bit bothered by the wife's attitude to her. It seems a bit illogical don't you think? Either the OW and the wife owe each other nothing at all and the wife's reaction is irrelevant, or you owe each other decent behaviour.Which is it?

Oh.....and if you think that a wayward spouse gets off scot free because his missus is pissed off with his affair partner....you are just plain wrong. It is perfectly possible to be furious with both . And after all, compared to endless tears, yelling, being made to feel guilty, talking and talking and talking over and over the same thing, constantly apologising, constantly trying to make amends, and always having that fear of divorce in the background like a really bad smell, what most (unmarried) OW go through after dday is nothing.

Regarding my H's OW, I have reached that much-vaunted indifference. I don't think I will ever much care for her company again but I am sure she feels the same.

I think that on mn very little if any blame is ever attached to the OW. However in RL, well come on the OW may not be the married one but its still pretty shitty behaviour.

I was briefly the OW in my long ago past and I do feel very bad about it and certainly think it was very poor behaviour on my part. I regret it and the hurt I caused.

I have also been the OW - years and years ago, and absolutely blame myself as much as him. I actively pursued a married man, i'm afraid. Ugly but true. No children were involved but still. I would hate the OW too - its instinctive.

Astonishingly, years later, we are still together and his ex wife is one of my best friends. She is an amazing (and naturally, forgiving) woman.
I would never condone my actual behaviour, but humans are fallible, men and women.
Sometimes there are shades of grey...

It's about responsibility. Had my ex and his 'ow' owned up to what they had done, rather than hiding it and laughing at me all the way to the bank (it's a long story but involves her being given access to our so-called 'family' business by being put on the payroll when she worked elsewhere and by also being given a company car), I'd have had some respect for them both. Shit happens. Marriages breakdown. People get attracted to other people and they realise that they don't care if that means their marriage is affected. Fine by me. What isn't fine by me is lying, continuing to lie, game playing, abuse and more lying.

Unfortunately, if you read forms where separation and divorce take place as a result of an affair, the underlying behaviour of both cheating spouse and ow is generally pretty poor. They rarely face the hurt they cause - and if they do, they only do it in a way which is 'but the marriage was dead for years' (usually news to the wife). It's all about excuses and avoidance and trying to be seen as 'decent'. They tell lies - sometimes outrageous ones - to justify their beavhiour. My ex and his 'ow' told people that I had beaten him for years and that as a last act to stop him leaving I had raped him to get pregnant so he wouldn't leave me. The truth is we had a quiet, dignified marriage, with plenty of communication, laughs and love. Things changed in our relationship when we had children - mainly less sex (but still regular enough to conceive a couple more children within a couple of years of the first) - and that changed our relationship for my ex for the worse. He looked elsewhere. All he had to say was 'I got bored, she was no longer what I wanted, I went elsewhere'.

The ow is usually collusive in poor behaviour, and in my case, made it incredibly personal by involving my children (including telling them that she was their mummy now and that they'd never see me again - and in my defence, I have never bad-mouthed her to them, I just got on with it so she's not hitting back at me). She doesnt' deserve respect and she sure as hell was every much a part of my marriage breakdown as my ex was. She made choices which had an incredibly negative impact on both my children and I AFTER my ex had left and for this reason, I believe I have good reason to involve her in any kind of negativity I may have towards my ex. She was a part of it. No, she owed me nothing. But she did owe me some basic common decency and respect given the part she had played in tearing my life apart.

Even though it is the cheating partner's fault, if a woman is knowingly having sex with someone else's husband, then that says something about her as a person and what it says to me is 'selfish, immoral skank'!

There are some predatory women who deliberately pursue men they know are married and that might lead to an affair when otherwise a man might not have actively sought one. I think an OW should be blamed for that. But yes, he is ultimately to blame because he chose to take her up on her offer!

Why should a cheated-on wife feel anything other than vitriol towards the OW, at least initially? This person's sole effect in her life was to cause pain.

If it stops her feeling appropriately angry towards her spouse, then that's not so great, but surely there's room for feeling angry with both?

I think it's OK to feel angry about immoral behaviour

My h had an affair and left me for OW and I blamed them both.

If the OW has no responsibility because she is not a party to the marriage, then does that not also apply to our everyday lives and contact with strangers? I shouldn't hold the door open to the next person or offer an old lady my seat or walk politely in a crowd, since I owe those people nothing?

IMO -It's partly that smugness of the OW as she enjoys the honeymoon period.

It's annoying because of course you were once like that too and since then you've put hard work and effort in.
I had to remind myself that she was not a "better" version of me that could make my partner happy but a new flavour altogether.

I blame the OW who knew my ex had a wife and toddler and still went out of her way to pursue him. I blame my ex for being pathetic, disloyal and jumping to a woman that had made herself so utterly available during a time when I was going through hell following the birth of my child.

The OW is not innocent, they choose to go for a married man instead of staying the hell away. The men should not be so cowardly and either leave their partner or admit they aren't happy and work at it and not just get their ego massaged.

It's a tough one really as you seem to expect that someone going through such emotional turmoil to think and react rationally...it's not always possible.

However, I certainly don't think that it's the rest of the world's job to not be my OH's bit on the side. He made the commitment to me and therefore he's the one who's promised to be faithful. When he cheated recently it was 100% his fault. I may not like the other woman...she knew he wasn't single but went ahead regardless. All that shows to me is a lack of character. I don't however blame her.

It's definitely the job of the people in the relationship to not stray.

ow is rarely blameless, and h or dp is not either

most decent women would walk away if they find out someone is married those that carry on regardless deserve the blame as much as the weak pathetic men they have chased

i am sure if my dp/dh cheated at first it would be too painful for me to deal with the truth that the person i love has no respect for my feelings so blaming the ow is understandable

unfortunately we as a society also excuse men for being weak, that is just what men do, that many men choose to go along with this and many women excuse them and thankfully not all men have these opinions and not all women will excuse them

I feel its the ultimate betrayal by the husband but yes you can blame OW too,of course you can,especially if she knows he has a partner.I kinda think ewww why would you wana share your new partner with someone id think i was worth more than that.