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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think she is after my Husband?

33 replies

ovenbun · 09/10/2013 11:35

This might be complete pregnancy hormones so please shake me and tell me it's stupid...but i have a niggling doubt about one of my DHs ex colleagues..
He works in a very female environment, I trust him completely and am pretty secure in our relationship so I don't usually pay much attention to this kind of stuff but I Guess slowly turning into a beach ball has made me a bit paranoid?

I noticed this girl when DH left his job last week as she sent a seperate leaving card, it was really funny and just his kind of thing, I liked it. They went out drinking as a big group for his leaving do, I was on shift and not to fussed about going, he did mention she asked him to wait with her for a train but it didnt really trigger as thats a reasonable thing to do for a friend. But since that night she started texting him quite a bit, when she knew we were out in town for a friend's meal asking him to meet her clubbing and stuff, he initially replied but felt things were getting a bit full on so then ignored for a few days...I started to feel a bit pissed at her but decided it was nothing and to let it slide.

This week he started his new job and sent a group email to about 6 of them, she didnt reply but when we were going to bed that night he got a text from her which to me was a red light, it was all about how sorry she was that she hadnt replied, she missed him at work and was having a difficult day.....is it me or is this damsel in distress behaviour?

It isn't helped by the fact that i had a little facebook stalk and she seems to think she is kelly brook..posting new photos of herself in bikinis most days..don't get me wrong he has lots of pretty friends...but they aren't usually this naked that much of the time :)

I don't blame her for liking him, he's a good pick:) and he is a friendly and funny guy which occaisionally girls take the wrong way...but he's mine and I'm pregnant and she knows all of that....so would it be reasonable to send her a stink bomb in the post, put chewing gum in her hair, or let down her tires? I've not met her...is there any way i can subtly warn her off ?

OP posts:
meditrina · 09/10/2013 11:39

You say she's a girl (so under 20ish?). So I can see why a schoolgirl approach to revenge/warning off might seem appropriate.

But of course it isn't.

I think you should talk to your DH about this. Remind him how intense teenage crushes are, and how even small things stoke them.

If he maintains his personal boundaries, you have nothing to worry about.

Tuonz · 09/10/2013 11:40

You shouldn't need to warn her off. Either you trust your husband or you don't. Facebook stalking is not healthy, pregnancy hormones or no.

Just sounds like they're friends to be honest.

NCHammerTime · 09/10/2013 11:40

I think your husband is the one you need to be warning off - not in an accusatory way, but as a heads-up. These things creep up on people, especially nice ones.

KellyElly · 09/10/2013 11:42

Just sounds like they're friends to be honest. Not to me!

CoffeeTea103 · 09/10/2013 11:43

I don't understand why you need to warn her off. It's your DH that you need to worry about. Speak to him and tell him how you feel. If he is aware of this then he might change his approach towards her.
She will do whatever she wants regardless of you, so it's your DH that you should speak to not her.

Sarahlundismyhero · 09/10/2013 11:43

Hey just read your post - interesting... I think I'd be thinking the same tbh, and don't blame you for getting a bit unsure of yourself....I guess you could play it three ways, 1) completely ignore it and hope that it's 100% innocent, 2) chat to your hubby about it and how it makes you feel, ( do it in a nice non- blaming way, ie " when this happens it makes me feel x, or when you do x, it makes me feel y etc...) you may get to the bottom of it that way,, or 3) orchestrate a time when you are both invited out when she is there?? Could that happen?? And you could assess situation from there? Not sure that is any help....

monicalewinski · 09/10/2013 11:44

What NCHammerTime said.

Exactly that!

poppingin1 · 09/10/2013 11:49

I don't think this is enough to worry about yet. But i would still keep an eye on how she interacts with him in the future.

I have had the same problem before so i understand where you are coming from, but when you are pregnant and vulnerable those feelings of unease can become heightened.

Take it easy and just keep an ear to the ground.

JustBecauseICan · 09/10/2013 11:51

She's not the one with a pregnant partner but is texting other women is she?

Forget about her, remove her from the equation. Tell him that what he is doing is making you uncomfortable and you expect him to respect you enough to understand that.

You don't warn her off, you warn him off.

You all sound fairly immature tbh.

Original poster
ovenbun · 09/10/2013 11:55

Thanks for the advice everyone, I do trust him. I suppose I'd just like her to be a bit more respectful of our relationship, we are all late 20's...maybe I should just be glad most of his friends are less attentive Grin true about fb...I won't be sneaking another look.
I might mention it to him, I think he knows it makes me a bit uncomfortable as when she text at night he did say something along the lines of what a weird text read it to me and told me he wasn't replying. (sorry for drip feeding)
I don't have any issue with his behaviour towards her..he is quite savvy with women usually as he works with lots so previously he has headed off similar stuff....I would hate him to feel like hes walking on eggshells or cant have female friends because I'll be suspicious...

OP posts:
RevelsRoulette · 09/10/2013 11:56

You don't need to do anything to her. Your partner is the one who is in control here. Nothing at all will or ever could happen between them unless he wanted it. Nothing she does is a threat to you without his participation.

So as long as he would never betray you, she is no threat to you.

If you want to warn anyone - warn him. She could stand in front of him stark naked and begging him to take her. He has the choice to say no or to say yes.

WorraLiberty · 09/10/2013 11:57

I don't think it's enough to worry about yet either.

I would be annoyed at my DH though if we went out to dinner and he was answering unimportant texts.

The apology from her regarding not replying to his original text, sounds pretty normal too.

And obviously there's nothing wrong with posting photos of yourself in swimwear on your own timeline. However, if you feel it's making you upset because of your pregnant shape, just block her.

You don't need to be torturing yourself.

RevelsRoulette · 09/10/2013 11:58

xpost. Nothing to fret about then. It doesn't matter if she's respectful of your relationship as long as he is. She has zero power here.

JackNoneReacher · 09/10/2013 11:59

As others have said its his choice and I wouldn't dream of saying anything to her.

You could be right she is after him though.

I would ask him something like "Do you think is after you?"

Original poster
ovenbun · 09/10/2013 12:20

Thanks all for giving me a bit of rational perspective... I guess I'll call back the flying monkeys..

I think you're exactly right poppingin1 I don't think I'd usually be concerned...bloody hormones...

Actually seeing the replies saying I should be worried/warn DH my reaction has made me feel more secure as I've immediately felt that I'm worried or upset with him...so that has really helped.

P.S. my 'pregnancy shape' is bloody lovely thank you.....I've just always found people who post lots of 'wank-bank' pictures of themselves a little odd.....but thats another thread all together..

Thanks again!

OP posts:
Chusband · 09/10/2013 12:21

It sounds like he is doing all the right things in respect of his behaviour toward her. As long as he keeps doing that, and keeps you in the loop, you have nothing to worry about.

WilsonFrickett · 09/10/2013 12:27

Yes but lots of people post bikini pics. It doesn't follow that this particular woman who does, is therefore after your husband. Completely separate things.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/10/2013 12:28

I don't think you should dismiss it as 'hormones'. Trust your judgement. Something's happening here that you're reacting differently to normal and I think you should work on the basis that, even though you can't put your finger on it, you're feeling uncomfortable. Agree with everyone who is suggesting talking to your DH. Never dismiss a gut feeling... we have them for a reason.

WorraLiberty · 09/10/2013 12:32

'Wank-bank' because shes in her bikini? Confused

I'm sure your pregnancy shape is lovely, I only mentioned it because you spoke of "slowly turning into a beach ball".

Original poster
ovenbun · 09/10/2013 12:51

I agree wilsonfrickett it is completely seperate...i guess if there is a person paying a little more attention to you husband than you'd like, the usual rule is the more clothed they are the better :) I probably shouldn't have mentionned it as it isn't really relevant.

worraliberty there is a difference between bikini shots on holiday/having fun etc and putting selfie photos up posing in bikinis/underwear in your bedroom...with nuts magazine style sexualised type poses..think legs spread and lip biting...most days...I'm not a hater of beautiful girls or hot bodies.. I just find this type of thing a bit weird/cringy...'wankbank' is a gruesome phrase I picked up from my brother's friends, but that's what they see them as.

Sorry completely off topic :)

OP posts:
JustBecauseICan · 09/10/2013 13:29

Don't blame your hormones. Many of us have been pregnant without feeling insecure, or worried that our partners are texting other women continually.

If it walks like a duck, etc etc.

Lilacroses · 09/10/2013 14:03

I agree ovenbun.....I'm sorry but those bloody "selfies" not to mention the bikini shots are so VAIN! I can't stand them either. I also think your instinct on this is right and that the main thing is that your dh responds in a way that is reassuring to you. Good luck with the baby. I loved being/looking pregnant!

Goldenhandshake · 09/10/2013 17:03

I have had a similar situation, except she wasn't a colleague she was a relative of DH's friend, knew me as well (not friends but acquaintances) knew we were engaged, buying a property etc, however she became an unhinged weirdo and told all and sundry that DH was leaving me for her, going on holiday with her and all sorts. It all came out when I was 4 months pregnant, and I hit the roof, I rang her and told her in no uncertain terms that she was taking the proverbial, and that if she did not stop her malicious and unfounded lies I would be contacting the police for a restraining order.

Yours has thankfully not gotten to this stage, but keep in mind that it could. Your OH needs to discourage her behaviour, I'd find it massively insulting, she is definitely making a play for him.

If she does not get the hint from OH and continues, he needs to spell out clearly that she is overstepping the mark. If it continues even after that, then I'd be stepping in with a 'excuse me but back the fuck off' conversation.

sparechange · 09/10/2013 17:17

OP, she sounds like a terrible attention seeker
These Nuts/Zoo pictures are just an extension of that
If your DH knows her interest in him makes you uncomfortable, he should either start ignoring her, or telling her to back off

LimitedEditionLady · 10/10/2013 00:08

Id say maybe say to your oh " dya think she might have a bit of a crush?" But play it like awww ailly crushes not AAAAARGH im concerned.Just to see what he thinks,he might think she has too but is just being a friend back and hoping she will get over it.
I have a male best friend at work and we text but I wouldnt text him asking to meet while hes with his pregnant wife to go clubbing?i think theres a line not to cross and shes perhaps not thinking this guys a family man with a lovely wife and baby on the way

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