To wonder how you actually use a bidet?

[Bearbehind]

I can honestly say I have never used a bidet and it's not really the kind of thing you see other people using and learn from them, so how do you actually use one?

Fret not, fellow mners. There is a wikihow on how to use a bidet.

Bear, yes, if you have done a poo, you can just shift over from the loo to the bidet without changing direction and get your bum a hell of a lot cleaner than with toilet paper.

My Italian part of the family is quite disgusted at all those northerners who do not have a bidet - and that includes the men.

In my other flat, in Albania, you will cause no end of problems if you use loo roll. The pipes are too small. So non Albanian guests - i.e my family and weirdly my husband's aunt- are told if they must use loo roll then then they have to put it all in a bag (they are kept next to the roll) then the bin (also next to the loo).
How to use a bidet: face towards if refreshing yourself and face backwards if washing after the loo. How do you normally wash yourself?! Your bum is no different. I have a small box with guest towels (smaller than a hand towel but bigger than a face cloth) on one side and another box for dirty ones. It took me ages to find tall boxes with a small foot print to fit in the space at the back; the people at the market must have hated me. They get washed on the boil wash. You can't get confused as no one folds a dirty - I am yet to notice shit on them either. You dry before standing up. and the bidet is right next to the loo as in less than a step so unless your pissed you really can't fall over Wash hands as normal using a hand towel.

That goodness for 'wikihow'!

So all that remains now is to learn wtf you do with those shower heads in toilets?

Do you just squirt your bits and hope for the best?

Do you flush before or after this operation?

How do you stop water going absolutely everywhere or soaking your clothes?

Don't the edges really diginto your thighs? Keeping squatted down legs round the bowl without it hurting seems impossible...

mrs bear PMSL that your comment ' I have a small box' is at the end of a line on my iPad and when I first read it I thought it was an important consideration when discussing bidet use!

Sorry pear not bear

I didn't even realise people still had a bidet. In my head they are only in houses which also contain teasmaids, vhs players and pelmets. I'm obviously very working class.

Mumsnet is just so educational. I still don't really understand how to use one but I have learned NEVER to eat salad in the home of someone who does own a bidet.

I have wheezed with laughter at many of the posts on this thread, truely hillarious!

"Some nitwit's put two dunnies in here". This thread is hilarious.

So if you're wearing jeans and want to use the bidet, you have to take your jeans off first?

and why don't bidets have toilet seats? Is it so that your undercarriage isn't too high up, which would make it too difficult to reach the water?

Omg are you sposed to dip undercarriage in the water? I cannae picture at all. Do bidets have plugoles? Urghhh at having to yank out chain immersed in dingle water.

I mainly use ours for dry electric shaving. It makes an excellent foot rest and catches the stubble beautifully. It's pale pink and dates from the late 80s. It may not be replaced when operation re-do the house reaches that room.

Option 1

You fill it up, put your feet in and wash all the sand off them.

Option 2

You fill it up, add detergent and wash your smalls.

must be bleached first

I don't have one in my house but there is one in a flat I rent out. I'm fairly sure it's not working properly as the water sort of dribbles in slowly rather than spurting or gushing but in all the time I've rented it out not one tenant has complained or asked me to fix it so I'm guessing they are as perplexed as many of you.

When I lived there I used it for feet washing and wet shaving of legs. It was ideal for the latter, could sit on the loo, feet in the bidet, just the right height.

Showerheads in toilets - you just direct the water flow to the bits of you which need cleaning.

justmyview - Yes, trousers round ankles would not be possible if fanjo washing.

Pedlars - Under carriage does not dunk in the water (if filled like a bath and plug in) you swish the water up to the necessary areas and are sitting about 6in above it on the sam level as the rim.

I would not want to plunge my hand in water if there was after dinner mince floating about either, so no, i wouldn't use it after a very dirty tom tit. As i said, i've only used is for my vijayjay.

I just can't imagine men using it the way women do, their coin purses surely would get in the way? I suppose if they sit on it like a lavvy then they must reach round behind them rather than underneath/facing forward like i do. But if they are in arab/muslim countries, then there wouldn't be a plug anyway, as water runs freely in these cultures. So they probably just have a fountain/hose.

I had no idea you were supposed to face the taps!

My toddler loved the one in our last rented place, used to drench the bathroom every time my back was turned.

I don't think it's the law or anything. If you want to sit facing away from the taps (and depending on which bit you're most keen to wash, that could make more sense,) you're not suddenly going to have armed police rushing in, arresting you for doing it all wrong.

This thread is hilarious!

Oh and those shower heads are for washing your hair whilst hanging your head over the edge of the bath!

Id love a bidet! I hang my arse over the edge of the bath and wash with the shower head after a number 2 or when it's the time of the month. My husband thinks im strange but if you had shit on any other part of your body you wouldn't just wipe it with a dry tissue would you!

I love the little hoses by the loo abroad, yes just squeeze the handle and point at bit requiring freshening up. so much cleaner feeling than just paper and good after sex.

How do you wash your feet in one? I have visions of lying on the floor with your legs in the air and feet in the bidet. Or standing in the bidet and having to call someone in to lift you out once you're finished.