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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ok this sounds pretty obsessive stalker-ish doesn't it?

58 replies

zenoushka · 07/10/2013 19:00

Apologies for the rather long post. Am at my wits end and would really appreciate some advice....

A male family friend who I have known since childhood declared he "loved" me about 9 years ago. I had always thought of him as a friend but nothing more and gently told him so.

Our parents have been great friends for years and we'd often holiday together during my childhood. They live abroad and we'd probably meet up every 2 or 3 years during the summer. This male friend is 3 years older than me and we'd hang out and chat. Although to be honest I actually probably got on better with his younger brother who was less intense and more fun.

However, this male friend really didn't take my 'rejection' well at all and subsequently kept bombarding me with texts, emails etc... I ignored it as much as possible until he started saying things like he would come and find me and kidnap me and how he was the only man who could make me happy and we were meant to be together etc etc... I started getting rather freaked out and told him in no uncertain terms that if he continued further I would report him and he had no right whatsoever to say such things. I also told my mum who was understandably freaked out too and said she would speak to his parents. However at the time I really didn't want to make things awkward with his parents who I genuinely like very much and get on so well with my parents. So I told my mum that I could handle it and if things got worse then we'd perhaps tell his parents.

Anyway the last I heard from him was a message he sent to me saying that he would never ever marry and I was the only woman for him... Other than that for all these years he's not got in touch at all, although every year on my birthday he'd send a small gift. I never acknowledged it or said anything to him. Meanwhile both sets of parents kept on meeting up every few years but I didn't as I moved away from home and got busy with my life, work etc....

So out of the blue about 4 months ago he starts texting and emailing again... This after 9 years of no contact! And he's pretty much started as he left off calling me his 'Damsel', his 'Golden Lady', his 'Beauty'.... He's in his mid 30s now and unmarried and lives with his parents.

Over the past 4 months he's on average been texting me about 3 times a day along with an email a day. I've not responded to any of his messages at all, completely ignoring him. But without fail he continues texting and emailing. He calls me his best friend and says he can't wait to be next to me and wants to be by my side all the time... This is seriously obsessive behaviour isn't it? I mean he's been holding this torch for me for years now!

He doesn't know anything about where I live in the UK or what I do or that I've been with my DP for the past 7 years. I told my DP when this started up again and he got really angry saying this guy was crazy and needs to be told to stop this behaviour right now.... I guess I've just been hoping it'll go away and that if I keep on ignoring him he'll finally just give up. But the recent tone of some of his messages are starting to really freak me a little and something just seems rather off... He keeps saying that he has something to tell me, it's a huge surprise and we'll soon see one another?! In the course of writing all this i've already received 2 texts from him!

I'm planning to change my number very soon as my contract has come to an end and hopefully that'll mean I don't need to see his messages. But part of me feels like he needs to be told categorically that he has to stop harassing me. Perhaps my silence is to him an invite to continue?

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 07/10/2013 19:03

Call 101.

Save every message and give them to the police. This is harrassment.

Forget any awkwardness with his family, if I was his mum I would be mortified and angry with him not you!

BettyandDon · 07/10/2013 19:03

Change your numbers and contact the police. I'm pretty sure what he is doing is harassment at the very least.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 07/10/2013 19:06

Serial weirdo alert! You need to report him ASAP.

Optimist1 · 07/10/2013 19:09

Sorry to say you can't be sure he doesn't know where you are and what you do. Presumably your respective parents chat to each other about what their offspring are up to, and it sounds as though he'd be eager to get the low-down from his parents.

It's time for you to take action. Whether this is through his family or a solicitor or police I don't know, but I urge you not to continue with the status quo.

LittlePeaPod · 07/10/2013 19:11

You need to report this o the police. This is extremely obsessive behaviour Op. You are right o be extremely concerned.

CeliaFate · 07/10/2013 19:12

Tell him to stop or you'll show his parents all his messages. Tell him you're creeped out.

Original poster

zenoushka · 07/10/2013 19:14

Thank you all, I really do need to do something as trying to ignore it just isn't working and some of his recent messages just don't sound right at all. The way he's talking it's almost like he has a shrine dedicated to me in his room or something....

His mum was earlier this year diagnosed with cancer and is going through treatment for that at the moment...partly why I've not wanted to say anything when it started up again a few months ago. But this really is harassment.

OP posts:

Dahlen · 07/10/2013 19:19

Definitely report to the police. This is seriously high level stalking.

You could send a single text or email saying "I have asked you to STOP contacting me. You attention is unwanted. If it persists I will take legal action."

You shouldn't have to do that but it can strengthen your case because of the way cases are put together because he can't use the defence that he believed his communication was unwanted. However, given that the last time you did that he handled it very badly, I wouldn't do anything until you've spoken to the police first.

LittlePeaPod · 07/10/2013 19:19

Op after 9 years this will never end. I understand his mother is unwell but you need to protect you and your DP. Getting rid of your phone is a great idea but I would definetly contact the police.

Original poster

zenoushka · 07/10/2013 19:23

That's the thing - that after 9 years he is still obsessed with me and thinks we're meant to be together. He calls me his best friend and talks about dreaming about me all the time. It's not right at all. I think I've woken up to the fact that I've got to take action and not let this fester. Even though I live in a big city, I sometimes look about thinking he might have come over to the UK to try and find me...

OP posts:

Twinkletoes77 · 07/10/2013 19:24

Tell the police. They can issue a harassment notice to him which tells him in no uncertain terms that if he contacts you again by any means he will be arrested.

Please do this. Call your local police station and ask to talk to the domestic violence unit about a stalker. They will take you seriously. It is important you get something official sorted to protect yourself in case it ever escalates which I'm afraid there's every reason to believe it could.

LittlePeaPod · 07/10/2013 19:26

Op I wouldn't even entertain him by contacting him. I would go straight to the police and report this. Sow the, his texts and start the legal process. This man is crazy and obsessed. These type of people don't stop without professional help or locking up..

CeliaFate · 07/10/2013 19:27

The police will ask if you've asked him to stop before they'll do anything.
He does sound mentally ill to me.

BitBewildered · 07/10/2013 19:33

Yes, definitely tell the police.

bsc · 07/10/2013 19:35

Not being funny, but if zenoushka is your real name, I'd change your MN pretty quick! There aren't too many Zenoushka's in UK.

You do need to report this- the police deal with a lot of stalking behaviour, it's fairly commonplace now people are so easily traceable online.

Original poster

zenoushka · 07/10/2013 19:35

Seeing it all written down just makes me realise how obsessed he is. He talks in his emails and texts about us being best friends and soulmates - this despite the fact that I've had no contact with him in 9 years! And thinking about the time we spent together in childhood, we probably spent about a week or so together every 2 or 3 years. That does not mean we're meant to be together! He was always very intense as a child, I still remember that.

He lives abroad. Quite a long plane journey away - how does that work in terms of reporting him to the police here? Can they do anything?

OP posts:

LittlePeaPod · 07/10/2013 19:36

Twinkle is right. Contact the police. Stalking laws are much better now and this sort of thing is taken extremely seriously. If you respond to him and he is unbalanced you risk him reading something into it and escalating this situation. I would contact the police and get their advice on how this whole situation should be handled.

Original poster

zenoushka · 07/10/2013 19:36

My name's not Zenoushka - it's completely unlike my real name!

OP posts:

Original poster

zenoushka · 07/10/2013 19:40

Thank you all. My gut has been telling me I need to take action and stop ignoring this. It's really started making me feel very upset.

OP posts:

TheHouseCleaner · 07/10/2013 19:42

It's harassment. You shouldn't have to live with this and neither should your DH have to be worried for you. Please contact the police.

For the police to take action you do need to tell him to stop contacting you by any means and that if he doesn't you'll inform the police. Do it in writing (text, email, recorded delivery letter, any are fine as long as you've a copy and can prove you sent it).

The police will very often let an initial response go. Legally they can act after the first approach following an instruction to desist but they often allow the stalker one (and only one) knee jerk response because many people will reply to the effect of "Why should I stop?/Fuck you!" etc and then leave it at that forevermore. The police sure as anything won't allow it to go beyond that and if the stalker persists they will take action.

Twinkletoes77 · 07/10/2013 19:44

My sister had a stalker, an ex boyfriend. I do understand how upsetting it is. You can tell yourself you're not bothered and it doesn't matter but it's actually incredibly intrusive, you find yourself thinking about them a lot and worrying about it. You need to protect yourself, the act of getting in touch with the police will make you feel better by itself. The police were v helpful for her.

invicta · 07/10/2013 19:47

Keep evidence of when and what has been written. Ie. copies of emails then contact the police. It's definitely stalking, and sounds scary. I don't know what can be done if he's abroad - if he's British then they probably can do something.

Have you contacted the National Stalking helpline.
Tel, 0808 802 0300

Original poster

zenoushka · 07/10/2013 20:01

He's not a British national unfortunately - which is why I'm not sure if the police here will be able to do anything. BUT I'm going to have to do something because I can't just let the status quo continue. It's the fact that after all these years he just doesn't get it that I'm not interested. But he has these weird fantasies about us being soulmates etc...

OP posts:

StanleyLambchop · 07/10/2013 20:58

I think you need to go the Mums route. Contact yours and let her know what you have told us. Ask her to ask his Mum to have a word. Assuming she is a reasonable person, she will want to put a stop to this for everyone's sake. I wonder if her illness has triggered something in him and started things up again?

EverybodysStressyEyed · 07/10/2013 21:09

Couldn't you ask your parents to speak to his Dad instead of his Mum?

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