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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ok this sounds pretty obsessive stalker-ish doesn't it?

58 replies

zenoushka · 07/10/2013 19:00

Apologies for the rather long post. Am at my wits end and would really appreciate some advice....

A male family friend who I have known since childhood declared he "loved" me about 9 years ago. I had always thought of him as a friend but nothing more and gently told him so.

Our parents have been great friends for years and we'd often holiday together during my childhood. They live abroad and we'd probably meet up every 2 or 3 years during the summer. This male friend is 3 years older than me and we'd hang out and chat. Although to be honest I actually probably got on better with his younger brother who was less intense and more fun.

However, this male friend really didn't take my 'rejection' well at all and subsequently kept bombarding me with texts, emails etc... I ignored it as much as possible until he started saying things like he would come and find me and kidnap me and how he was the only man who could make me happy and we were meant to be together etc etc... I started getting rather freaked out and told him in no uncertain terms that if he continued further I would report him and he had no right whatsoever to say such things. I also told my mum who was understandably freaked out too and said she would speak to his parents. However at the time I really didn't want to make things awkward with his parents who I genuinely like very much and get on so well with my parents. So I told my mum that I could handle it and if things got worse then we'd perhaps tell his parents.

Anyway the last I heard from him was a message he sent to me saying that he would never ever marry and I was the only woman for him... Other than that for all these years he's not got in touch at all, although every year on my birthday he'd send a small gift. I never acknowledged it or said anything to him. Meanwhile both sets of parents kept on meeting up every few years but I didn't as I moved away from home and got busy with my life, work etc....

So out of the blue about 4 months ago he starts texting and emailing again... This after 9 years of no contact! And he's pretty much started as he left off calling me his 'Damsel', his 'Golden Lady', his 'Beauty'.... He's in his mid 30s now and unmarried and lives with his parents.

Over the past 4 months he's on average been texting me about 3 times a day along with an email a day. I've not responded to any of his messages at all, completely ignoring him. But without fail he continues texting and emailing. He calls me his best friend and says he can't wait to be next to me and wants to be by my side all the time... This is seriously obsessive behaviour isn't it? I mean he's been holding this torch for me for years now!

He doesn't know anything about where I live in the UK or what I do or that I've been with my DP for the past 7 years. I told my DP when this started up again and he got really angry saying this guy was crazy and needs to be told to stop this behaviour right now.... I guess I've just been hoping it'll go away and that if I keep on ignoring him he'll finally just give up. But the recent tone of some of his messages are starting to really freak me a little and something just seems rather off... He keeps saying that he has something to tell me, it's a huge surprise and we'll soon see one another?! In the course of writing all this i've already received 2 texts from him!

I'm planning to change my number very soon as my contract has come to an end and hopefully that'll mean I don't need to see his messages. But part of me feels like he needs to be told categorically that he has to stop harassing me. Perhaps my silence is to him an invite to continue?

OP posts:

fortyplus · 07/10/2013 21:13

Why don't you just block his number? You don't need to wait to change yours. Then if he contacts you using a different phone block that - etc etc

Liara · 07/10/2013 21:15

I think you need to report it to police anyway. And change numbers and so on.

Even if there is nothing they can do right now, they may be able to clock it so that it comes up if he ever tries to get a visa/come into the country.

bsc · 07/10/2013 21:22

That's good!

Good luck.

NicknameIncomplete · 07/10/2013 21:22

I would block his number, change ur email address, speak to his dad & if that doesnt work i would contact the police. I am not sure what they would be able to do though.

Keep talking to ur dp about it. This is something that you do not want to go through by yourself.

Mimishimi · 07/10/2013 21:22

So sorry you are going through this. This happened to one of my friend's at uni (and me through association with her) and although we reported it, got an order against him and she did her best to ignore it and moved several times (he would hang outside her windows mooning), it only all ended when he jumped out at her from behind a pillar at the uni with a knife. Luckily a security guard had noticed him hiding there and grabbed him as soon as he did. He was deported back to his home country when it was revealed that his well-off parents had sent abroad due to similar problems there.

Mimishimi · 07/10/2013 21:26

I'm not sure what the police could do in the UK but it's possible that his name could come up in a visa check when he does try to enter the country. I think you need to report it to get it on the record.

Hissy · 07/10/2013 21:43

You can't let this go on love.

I understand you don't want to upset your parents, or his, but this is way beyond normal behaviour.

The police here aren't going to be able to do anything.

You have to tell both sets of parents, telling them that he has to stop or legal advice in his country will be sought. That you will be changing your email and numbers and that he is not to contact you again.

Don't contact him, it'll be some kind of reward, contact his parents and yours and state the facts calmly. they are realistically your only chance at resolving this.

Original poster

zenoushka · 08/10/2013 21:12

I can't believe I've let it go on for so long, all your comments really make me realise I should have stopped this a long time ago. He seriously is delusional - just received a text a few minutes ago saying how I'm his soulmate. It's the middle of the night where he lives right now and I've not had anything to do with him in nearly a decade!

I'm going to speak to my parents and then approach his father I think to tell him that his son has to stop this NOW!

OP posts:

Hissy · 08/10/2013 23:26

You have no choice love, you have been nice for too long. he's really not 'right', and has to understand to leave you alone.

You will need to communicate this and change numbers.

OxfordBags · 09/10/2013 00:07

Ot only is this a very serious crime, he soinds like he needs urgent psychiatric help. You're actually doing him no favours letting it continue, never mond yourself!

Please report it, I think you are really minimising how serious and dangerous this is.

Fluffymonster · 09/10/2013 00:47

OP you're suffering from "nice-itis" - that condition women have of not wishing to make a fuss, or spoil things for other people, which leads to minimizing their own discomfort. In severe cases, it could lead them into danger or harm.

This man is not of sound mind - you know this. He's fixated on some idealised version of you, and goodness knows what could happen if you should fall off the pedestal. The adoration may become rage and fury at the perceived betrayal of his love.

Agree, keep all the texts, tell his family, tell yours, and report it to the police. How scary. Make a fuss, kick up a stink. Don't be the polite, sweet, damsel in distress as he'd probably find that alluring and romantic.

Original poster

zenoushka · 09/10/2013 06:06

Fluffymonster - I read your message and absolutely agree. I have been suffering from 'Nice-itis' for far too long when it's come to this issue. Not wanting to upset anyone or kick up too much of a fuss. But in the meantime he has completely been able to continue harassing me.

No more, I am going to start kicking up a fuss.

OP posts:

Sunnysummer · 09/10/2013 06:26

Agree with all the advice here, and also think that you need to speak in detail with your parents about this and with any extended family or friends that he may have contact with. It would be very easy for him to say that he'd come across a funny keepsake from childhood, for example, and thought he'd pass it on.

The reason I also say about the detail and ideally to share actual emails and texts is to protect yourself - my friend had a weirdo from work stalk her like this, and what made it even worse is that people started saying that surely there's no smoke without fire, maybe she'd encouraged it originally, perhaps there was an affair etc. (Of course, even if she had an affair he had no right to vicitimise her, but this just made it even harder). He moved on to a new passion/victim, but not before a grim time for her. Hope your time is much better, and to get you through the tricky discussions to come

Original poster

zenoushka · 11/10/2013 13:48

Have been on a work trip these past couple of days and have continued receiving 4 or 5 texts from him a day, calling me his soulmate, his best friend, how he dreams of me etc etc. Am so over this and want to put an end to it right now. Am visiting my parents in my home city this weekend and will be telling them all this - hopefully we can put an end to it.

Thanks so much for the support. I've been too nice for too long putting up with this. It really has been affecting me, his message this morning woke me up at 4am in the morning. No more!

OP posts:

Hissy · 11/10/2013 20:53

Don't cave and contact him directly, make sure that nothing he does results in you rewarding him with direct contact with you.

Change your number.

Alisvolatpropiis · 11/10/2013 20:59

Definitely report him op. He is absolutely delusional and behaving in a manner that would make anybody feel deeply uncomfortable.

Do you have a phone on which you can block numbers so they can't contact you in any capacity? I know a lot of android phones have this facility as do iPhones with iOS 7. If you do, use it.

I have never experienced anything like this to such an extent. When I was 18 I met a footballer who became way too keen for a little while after I'd said I was interested. Nothing like what you've been going through though. What I experienced was enough. Really feel for you.

Alisvolatpropiis · 11/10/2013 21:00

*wasn't

BuzzardBirdBloodBath · 11/10/2013 21:13

OP have you answered or replied to any of his messages?

notanyanymore · 11/10/2013 21:22

The fact he is abroad will cause some probs re police action, and even more so depending which country he is in. But you should definitely report it and take their advice. They need to be aware, as do his parents. They may be able to put a warning on your address in case of emergency calls (if he did show up), but again the fact he's in another country muddies the water somewhat.
Contact 101 and take their advice.

zoobaby · 11/10/2013 21:23

Definitely keep a transcript of all messages! Share the most recent ones with his dad to illustrate your point if required.

zoobaby · 11/10/2013 21:30

Definitely keep a transcript of all messages! Share the most recent ones with his dad to illustrate your point if required.

VoiceofRaisin · 11/10/2013 21:32

It is good if he is not an Eu citizen, as if the police think he might be a risk to you, they may actually be able to stop him entering the country on the grounds he is an undesirable alien (sorry to think ahead, but actually that is good to know). If they can't stop him from entering the country, they may be able to agree to let you know if/when he arrives. You can then relax if you hear nothing as you know he can't be here. You do need to take this very seriously. I am so sorry.

Do you know if he had a gf for the years (or whether he was in prison or in hospital) when he was NOT in touch with you? That may hold a key to what is going on inside his head.

timidviper · 11/10/2013 21:33

Friend of mine had a (kind of) stalker a while ago and I went to the Police with them to report it. They said they can do things 3 ways: begin stalking charges immediately, inform the stalker a complaint has been made and warn them to leave off and charges will be pressed if it happens again or just record the information and keep it onfile so it can be used if needed even if you don't want to push things now. Make sure you back up these messages to a computer or something so they can't be lost.

I would be inclined to go down the parents route first and lodge the info with the police then you are in a position to proceed if he does not back off

greenbananas · 11/10/2013 23:00

Don't make any direct contact with him yourself. Also be wary of contracting him via his parents. If you make any contact at all, you are teaching him that the price of a response is 1000 texts. You might also put yourself at more risk if you shatter his weird dream that you are his soul mate before you have the right support in place. Do report this.

I thoroughly recommend a book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker - a fascinating, if slightly scary read, with lots of very practical suggestions about how to deal with this sort of situation, and it will give you the courage and strength to follow your instincts.

invicta · 12/10/2013 00:16

Zenouska - wishing you all the best this weekend

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