To wish my in-laws would stop treating DH like a small child?

[AREMum]

DH and I have just spent a weekend away to "celebrate" 15 years of marriage. All was fine until his parents' started ringing him. They rang his mobile x 2 and mine x 1 ("We've been trying to get hold of you..."). It wasn't as if they had the children (my parents had come over to stay at ours to mind kids and dog). They treat him like a small child; he loves it. I have had enough and feel like issuing an ultimatum except I know that I will lose out. At the airport yesterday I asked him how he could stop me feeling like this (this always happens - they wrecked my 40th but that's another story - and I am so incensed that it actually feels as though I'm going mad) and he agreed that he can't guarantee that it won't. His Dad was supposed to pick us up from the airport but DH cancelled and we got a taxi because I couldn't face getting in a car with him. His Dad was then on the phone to MY parents to see what was going on. They (my in-laws) are so interfering it makes me want to scream.

Where I'm at at the moment is that I never want to be in the same room as them ever again, but appreciate that wouldn't be easy; they have a relationship with my children that is independent of me. I also do understand that I am not being very rational and have stressed and stewed about this all day. I feel as though this situation is turning me into a person that I don't want to be. I think that the 15 year milestone thing has just made me snap.

What is majorly infuriating is that they have NO CLUE that anything is wrong as DH will protect them with every ounce of his being whilst hauling my feelings over the coals.

Thanks for the chance to vent; I welcome your thoughts.

I don't get the problem based on what you've said sorry. They only called him twice. I used to have a boyfriend who's mother would call me up to 30 times a night to find out where he was, even if I was fast asleep and had no clue.

There must be more to it than them just phoning you while you were away

What were they phoning you for? Did they have a reason or do they just ring all the time in case they're missing something?

I don't fully understand why you're so incensed that they called you when away for a break. Your reaction seems very extreme. Do you have a more distant relationship with your own family?

You may have to actually tell us the reason you're annoyed

Do they come round and wipe his bum when he gets off the loo?

Or do they just make the occasional phone call?

Your going to have to elaborate on them babying our dh and him loving it.

*your

OP

Explain a bit more

This is just a tiny snapshot isn't it as no one could be so explosive over 3 calls to your mobile phones.

And I have sympathy as my in-laws see me a decade later as the nasty eye fluttering cow who took their child from them.

The answer lays with your DH. But ranting at him is not likely to get you anywhere. So rationally list your points and your changes on how you want to move this forward. You will have to compromise because they have to be in his life and your children's.

If he refuses to listen then plan b. But I don't know what plan b is yet..... I am still working on that one. Perhaps it involves you taking the lead. Do you don't wait for them to irritate the hell out of you but you text, you invite them over so its on your terms?

And what happened with your 40th?

What have the actually done apart from phone their son?

You are being very precious and contolling of your DH.
Why should a phone call to wish you both a happy anniversary be such a problem.
You sound a bit jealous of his relationship tbh.

It would be annoying to have parents (ILs or own) phoning repeatedly when they know you've gone away for the weekend without the DC to celebrate your anniversary. For you to find it that annoying I suspect that there is a load of backstory and that it's your DH's way of dealing with his parents rather than your ILs that's the problem.

well I felt the same amount of anger when the in laws and SIL called DH on our honeymoon. All my family and friends sent texts when we were on the way to the airport to say 'have a nice time will talk to you when you get back'. His family called when we were in the middle of a romantic meal FFS .

He still drops everything (including once during sex) to answer calls from them and they are never important.

That's him being an arse not them though LiquidState, though I'll admit phoning someone on their honeymoon is not the norm.

Liquidstate they wouldn't have known you were having a meal, that's his inability not to pick up, not their issue with phoning

AREmum there must be more to this, because your reaction to x3 phone calls is extremely odd and seems out of proportion without the backstory

Souper - they did! Since DH had had texted them earlier to say were were going to a particular place on a particular night. They called to see if we were enjoying it .

They call several times a day to see if DH is alright and I can't undo 30 odd years of their parental training overnight and suddenly get him to stop answering the phone, however inconvenient. Damn mobiles.

You have my sympathy, OP, as my inlaws also treat DH as if he were a child and are often critical of him in a patronising way, however my DH finds it very annoying too. It must be hard when you feel as though your DH won't support you.

I can't believe your PIL called your parents wanting to know what was happening because you and DH had refused their offer of a lift! And I agree it was out of order for them to call your DH, then you when he didn't answer, when you are on a weekend away for your anniversary - that's really not acceptable unless it was some kind of an emergency.

My FIL in particular wants to be overly involved in our life (we live 200 miles away from DH's family), but at the same time doesn't realise how this can create more distance. He has a habit of calling DH 'just to chat' at awkward times, like when DH is on his way to/ from work or at work. The thing that really annoyed me was that DH would complain about this, but when I suggested the obvious answer of not answering the phone, DH would get a bit huffy and say 'well, it could be an emergency' or 'he'll just call back'. Eventually he came round to the idea that it wouldn't be the end of the world if his dad had to leave a message.

While it might sound nice that FIL wants to speak to DH frequently, it's combined with this patronising attitude that DH is incapable of doing stuff, like DIY. For example, when we bought our first house it needed a lot of work done, so we stayed in our rented house for one month after the purchase. It was a very stressful time - money was tight, and DH was going to work, then doing a couple of hours at the new house, then coming home. Weekends were spent at the new house doing DIY. My FIL called DH every evening to find out what he'd been doing on the house. Every. Single. Evening. DH tried texting him with an update every evening, FIL would just call back to discuss the text. It was infuriating, but as FIL had offered to come up at the end if the month to help with fitting the bathroom, DH didn't feel he could say anything.

To be honest, that incident (and the attempt to change the seating plan at our tiny wedding to add BIL's girlfriend, who we had already added at the last minute and told FIL about), did change DH's attitude and he started seeing that his parents' behaviour wasn't ideal and their attitude to him could be poor.

I feel mean writing all this, because I do like my PIL and they are nice people, but their attitude to us (we're in our late 30s) can be really frustrating!

But he texted them to tell them where you were going, so isn't exactly blameless in all this. Whilst I can see why you are frustrated, the system that they have now obviously worked for them for 30 years and you are obviously the only one of the four of you who is annoyed by it if your husband has no problem answering the phone to them whenever they call. It sounds like you and he need to sort out what you both want rather than expecting your in-laws to change the way they do things .
I would say the same to the OP as well, as clearly there is more going on than just 3 phone calls, but it sounds as though her husband is complicit in the situation as well, so probably needs to come from him if they are to stop calling.

Yeah there has to be more to this. What they've 'done' so far sounds perfect reasonable.

OP you need to give more info if you want people to agree with you.

I think i get you OP.Is it a kind of you feel like theyre in your relationship too?I get that,especially if you are away somewhere to be alone,its like theyve gone with you if theyre ringing and asking everything youve done.

I can totally relate to so many of the scenarios on this thread. My in-laws also treat DH like a child, think we're both incompetent sloths and incapable of organising our lives. It drives me mad.

Just today MIL bought ds1 a school sweatshirt. While I appreciate the gesture, ds1 didn't need a sweatshirt. The school is like an oven and there's nothing wrong with the school jumpers he has (ok, maybe they're getting on the small side now but they're still as good as new because he never wears them - it's too warm in school!).

But...

As much as they drive me mad, they love DH and their grandchildren to the moon and back. Nothing they do, however annoying, is ever done with any malice. Misguided yes, but they mean well.

They're not going to change.

So I'm trying to learn to be more tolerant. To accept their actions at face value and not take it personally. Like the school sweatshirt. MIL probably saw that most children at the school wear one, didn't want ds1 to be left out, didn't want to badger me to buy one so bought it herself. I'm sure it was that simple. Although in my head for most of the day it's been a direct attack on my ability as a parent to clothe my children properly.

If I don't accept the way they are, I'll drive myself mad. So acceptance and anything for a quiet life are my approach.

We had a similar thing with my ILs, and by default I got treated like a child too. I was in my 30s and a professional.

I had several levels of conversation with DH about how his behaviour reinforced the problem. He was still called by his childhood nickname and called them by theirs. I think it suited him to be coddled and cared for on his visits home. It did not suit us as a couple.

I stood up to some fairly vile misogynistic bullying by his father and a lot of passive aggressive comments by his mother, especially about my housework, but never when DH was around. It came to a head after my wedding when FIL got pissed and tried to put me in my place, in front of witnesses, at my reception.

It's been subtle but DH started to stand up for himself, and set them boundaries on how he/us can be treated and he's made efforts to assert himself as an adult. There's a level of FOG with his whole family and everyone tried to keep his father happy.

The problem is your DH has to be willing to set boundaries. Like ignoring the phone for a bit, or saying 'I can't talk now I'll call you back' and then hanging up. Like with us you may have to take it in little steps. Not one huge change of behaviour which will be stressful for all involved. Is there one small thing he could change to make life a bit easier/pleasant to get the process started?

They phoned you to see if you were wnjoying the meal??? OK, they're nuts.