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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be hurt that my cousin won't come to my wedding?

35 replies

DaleyBump · 07/10/2013 16:08

I'm 32 weeks pregnant and very hormonal (already had a bit of a cry this morning) and I can't tell whether or not I'm being unreasonable. Please be gentle!

I'm getting married on the 5th of November. It's just a simple wedding, 40 guests max but they won't all turn up. We're getting married at a registry office in a short, half hour long ceremony and going out for a meal afterwards. No dancing or anything. It's a Tuesday and most people are working the next day so there won't really be much drinking either. It's not a big event (well, it is to me).

I don't speak to most of my dad's side of the family. They're not nice people. I have about 20 cousins and am only really in contact with two of them, and I'm really close with one of them, "Shelly". From my dad's side, I only invited Shelley and her husband, my gran and an aunt, "Betty". I invited my gran and Betty for my dad's sake, I would rather they weren't there but it was to keep the peace.

I was going to go and see my gran (who I've not spoken to in over two years) to invite her and Betty, but my dad wanted to do it himself. Fine, I thought. Until, after he'd been up to see them, I got a call from a different aunt ("Sharon") saying thank you for inviting her and she would be there with my gran. I do not want Sharon there. She is an awful person. She really is. But Betty will be out of the country at the time of my wedding, so my dad just invited Sharon instead (although he was told explicitly not to).

Sharon is Shelly's mum, and Shelly can't stand her. So much so that they are NC. For good reason. I'm really close with Shelly and her family so I messaged her last night to give her a heads-up that her mum would be coming. I told her that if she didn't want to come, I understand but I would really really love if she still would. I shouldn't have said that probably, but I didn't think she would decide not to come. I woke up to a message saying that she didn't want to "cause an atmosphere" and that her and her husband wouldn't be coming.

Am I right to be really upset? Should I try to convince her to come? I've hardly invited anyone from that side of the family and it was really important to me that she came, especially since Sharon and my gran will more than likely cancel at the last minute (they're always "sick") so nobody from that side of the family will turn up. Even if she would just show face for the ceremony, I mean it's only half an hour long!

Sorry it's so long, I tried not to drip feed but I couldn't figure out what to leave out.

OP posts:

CeliaFate · 07/10/2013 16:11

From your message it does sound like you think Shelley should back out and not come to the wedding.
If you don't want Sharon there, then you will have to uninvite her and tell Shelley you want her and her family there.
Not an easy one, but if you don't see them usually then you hopefully won't have any backlash.

CaptainSweatPants · 07/10/2013 16:14

I'd ring her & say you really want her to come & that her mum probably won't come

PatriciaHolm · 07/10/2013 16:14

To be honest, I'd be more inclined to tell your dad to rescind the invite to Sharon. If necessary send them a letter yourself saying there was a misunderstanding, Sharon was not invited. You don't speak to her anywhere so it's not going to burn any bridges! You should have the people at your wedding that you want.

Original poster

DaleyBump · 07/10/2013 16:14

Does it? :( I tried really hard to make it not seem like that, since I said that I would still really love her to come :(

There will be backlash. Masses of it. Like I said, my dad's side of the family are not nice people and they would just all get involved as to why I uninvited Sharon. I mean, I received threats by text, phone and over Facebook because I said the word "fuck" on my page... They're a strange lot.

OP posts:

Original poster

DaleyBump · 07/10/2013 16:16

I thought I might have to uninvite Sharon although I was hoping I wouldn't because then my gran won't come and my dad will be incredibly hurt but I think you're right, it seems like it's what I have to do.

Why do so many people get married more than once?! This is so much hassle!

OP posts:

Original poster

DaleyBump · 07/10/2013 16:30

Any ideas how to say it? I have no idea how to bring it up.

OP posts:

Mogz · 07/10/2013 16:53

Aww Daley, it sounds like she is concerned about causing a bad atmosphere on your big day, which is thoughtful of her. If you really want her there you need to follow up that text with some reassurance that even if they stare daggers at each other all day you'd be so much happier having her there to share the day with you because you love her.
Do you have anyone that can run interference between the two warring parties? That was the man task assigned to the ushers at our wedding, worked quite well.

Original poster

DaleyBump · 07/10/2013 16:56

I'll say that Mogz, thank you. My dad might like to have that job, I'll see what he said. Thank you

OP posts:

glenthebattleostrich · 07/10/2013 17:03

I'd call your cousin and arrange to see her and her husband for a seperate celebration. See if they'll still come see you get married but have a meal or take away on a different night iyswim.

WaitMonkey · 07/10/2013 17:08

It certainly seems your dad needs to uninvite her.I've posted on your other thread. Apart from this, I hope all your other planning is going well.

gobbynorthernbird · 07/10/2013 17:12

You have to tell your dad that he's done the wrong thing and he must rescind the invite.

BrokenSunglasses · 07/10/2013 17:20

I think YABU to expect your cousin to come hen her mother who she has cut contact with is going to be there. She's probably quite hurt that you've let this happen tbh, especially i you are close. I would be in her position.

You need to make your Dad sort out the mess he has created. He has no right to be hurt, he caused the problem and it's not his wedding! Although if he's paying, I guess he has some say, but I can't understand why you would let someone else invite your own family to your wedding in the first place. This could have been avoided if you'd sent invitations or asked your gran yourself.

Original poster

DaleyBump · 07/10/2013 20:28

Did you really have to be so harsh? I didn't let this happen, this happened without my knowledge.

My dad was insistent that he wanted to go to his mum's himself. I didn't realise he would start inviting people he was told not to.

I didn't want to send invitations. The whole point is that it's a simple do. I wanted to call my gran myself but my dad wasn't having it.

Thanks for the advice everyone else, after all the hassle between our families we've uninvited almost everyone and there are going to be 9 of us in total. I couldn't care less what anyone else thinks any more, that was an awful position to put me in and I won't be put in that position again.

OP posts:

RevelsRoulette · 07/10/2013 20:51

Do you think your dad intended to do this all along?

Original poster

DaleyBump · 07/10/2013 20:55

I don't think so, I think he just thought that I wouldn't mind if he invited one aunt instead of the other (even though he was asked not to, but anyway). He doesn't have a good relationship with his mother as he had an awful childhood and he has as much contact with her as I do so I thought he was just making it less awkward. I'm so relieved that I don't have to put up with all their rubbish any more though.

OP posts:

Jenny70 · 07/10/2013 21:49

If it were me, I'd be considering eloping!!

Bearbehind · 07/10/2013 21:59

Eh? You've uninvited 31 people on the back of your father inviting 1 person he was told not to???

It all sounds bonkers to me, aside from the fact that planning a wedding at 36 weeks pregnant is not without risk in the first place.

Original poster

DaleyBump · 07/10/2013 22:07

We've uninvited all those people for other reasons too. This whole thing with my dad was just the lid on it. I couldn't care less if it sounds bonkers to you, we wanted a small wedding in the first place and we've gone back to that.

What's your point about me being 36 weeks pregnant at the time of my wedding? Or were you just hoisting up your judgey pants?

Jenny I would love to elope but I also really want my mum and sister there but then I would have to have my dad there and my gran and grandad and my aunt and her partner... This way we're having the minimal amount of people and not having to deal with all the fuss.

OP posts:

Bearbehind · 07/10/2013 22:15

Seriously OP, you need to calm down, it's got nothing to do with judging. If you don't see that there is an element of
uncertainty attached to planning a wedding at 36 weeks pregnant that's your decision, but I don't think many people would disagree with me.

You asked if you were being unreasonable about one small aspect of your wedding and in a few short hours you have managed to uninvite 31 people for 'other reasons too' so there is clearly a huge back story here which makes your original question impossible to answer.

Original poster

DaleyBump · 07/10/2013 22:22

I asked if I was being unreasonable about that one aspect. We have been getting unbelievable amounts of hassle from both sides of our family so now they're not coming. Simple.

I understand that there is an element of uncertainty but what do you propose I do about it?

OP posts:

Bearbehind · 07/10/2013 22:26

Not much you can do now other than postpone until after the birth but now with only 7 guests there is much less to rearrange if required anyway.

MistressIggi · 07/10/2013 22:28

Cancel the wedding. Have the baby. Rearrange a wedding with exactly the people YOU want to invite, for a few months down the line.

Original poster

DaleyBump · 07/10/2013 22:41

We're getting married before the baby comes. We were planning the wedding anyway before I fell pregnant. We're not cancelling it now - it's not about the fancy wedding, it's about us getting married and our families seem to have forgotten that. It's unlikely (but of course, not impossible) that the baby will be born by then but even if he is, we'll still be getting married then.

OP posts:

spottygoat · 07/10/2013 22:52

Fuck what everyone else thinks and enjoy your day :)

olgaga · 07/10/2013 22:56

Well good for you. I hope you have a nice day and a nice meal afterwards.

As with everything in life, if you want something done in a particular way for very good personal reasons, it's best to do it yourself!

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