To hate being an introvert in an extroverts world?

[LittleMissGerardLouiseButler]

It's such hard work being an introvert, I would love to be more confident and social.

We went round to some of my OH's friends on Saturday evening with the kids, they had a great time playing.

I just spent the time feeling awkward and hardly getting a word in edge ways and eating all the Pringles

I just hate being like this, and I wish I could be more pushy, be able to say no etc.

I suppose its as much a self esteem issue?

I do think its an extroverts world though even though there must be quite a few of us introverts?

bonsoir do you have research to back up that claim? I'm an introvert but have no problem being assertive. My dc are too young for me to say how they'll turn out but I suspect DS will be an introvert and Dd an extrovert. They have had similar amounts of exposure to people. I'd be intrigued to know if there was some way to make DS more sociable!

I am naturally very shy, rubbish in large groups etc but 10 years ago I was in a job for a while which involved a lot of socialising with complete strangers so I had to 'learn' the art of conversation making. It's a skill, which I can turn on and off at will now.

When in a group, smile and nod at the general conversation. I think women in particular, rightly or wrongly are not expected to do 'banter' so if you are quiet in a loud group setting, no one will think bad of you if you smile, nod, laugh, look pleasant and focus on what is being said.

When you get an opportunity, try and focus on one person at a time in the group. Ask them questions about themselves or "what do you think about such and such" focusing on topics of mutual interest or knowledge. People like to be asked about themselves. Maintain eye contact. Shy people often drop eye contact but it can come across as being bored or looking for something better to do.

Extroverts tend to annoy people with their loud pushy arrogant behaviour. Introverts often don't make any waves at all.

Embrace who you are, you are perfect just as you are.

Not my definition, the actual definition.

But thanks!

I agree this does not sound like an issue with you being introvertrd op. My dh is introverted and he hates large gatherings (my huge noisy family is very trying for him) . I am naturally extroverted but not overconfident and I don't think I am pushy.

DH works in a communications role, is fairly senior and is good at hisjob but still struggles with public speaking. But his introspection and awareness of his and others feelings makes him very good at his job. That it requires him to speak to lots of people means he needs downtime at home, alone and he hates parties and avoids social gatherings when possible. But he is assertive and 'pushy' when necessary - just takes a big toll on him.

I think if you are genuinely introverted then you need to embrace your nature and make the most of your sensitivity to others - consider it an asset. Being confident in social situations takes practice. I am naturally extroverted and socialble. But having children, leaving work and moving away from the city I lived in for a decade, all within 18 months - left my confidence shattered. I took a few years to 'find myself' again. Now I have a good group of friends in my new area, an active social life (with dh supporting this by not having one! ) plenty of outside interests. But it took a few years and a few false starts.

You can thrive and be confident and be introverted, maybe extroverted people are not the enemy, pushy people are rude and that behaviour may mask their own insecurity, some people get louder when they are nervous, most people value being listened too. I try to damp down my desire to talk by asking questions and listening to the answers. Introverts can be very good at asking questions and drawing others out (dh is brilliant at this). Spending your time staring at the crisp bowl avoids the terror of talking to others biut if you ask an open question and look interested most people will respond well (except other introverts maybe .

Anyway I am not sure it is an extroverts world - they may be natural 'front persons' but the balance of a thoughtful sensitive introvert is just as important - imo. Of course introverts can be selfish and stupid just as extroverts can be sensitive and sharing.

By DH not having a social life I mean that he has a few close friends but they are all rubbish at keeping in touch and he doesn't choose to get together with them. He is happier spending time with his family. If he wanted too he would be capable of maintaining a successful social life, though he would never enjoy my more active one he is perfectly able talking to other parents in the playground on occasion.

Thanks for the link to the Susan Cain TED talk - I loved it!

the only thing I would question here is whether it is really an extroverts' world? I think we should think twice before we assume that extroversion is the norm- though, as I say, it is perhaps more true in the US than in the UK.

Introverts are everywhere and quite possibly run a lot of things. You just might not have noticed

Yes, definitely an extroverts' world! What annoys me is the assumption made by many that if you are "introverted" that you are also somehow weak, or a failure. There is also evidence to suggest that introverts make excellent employees, with a tendency to be more thoughtful, conscientious, cautious and careful. Think Bill Gates or Gandhi, both introverts.

If you are indeed an introvert, please don't beat yourself up about it. Find a career that suits your personality, find friends that understand you and you will be fine.

Excellent link, by the way.

"Think Bill Gates or Gandhi, both introverts."

Then hardly an extroverts world, is it?

I don't find being introverted a problem as such. I have to lead groups sessions as part of my job and I can do it well, but I have to be very organised about it and know exactly what I'm going to say beforehand. I can't just wing it like some people can.

I don't enjoy large gatherings such as parties/nightclubs so that can occasionally be an issue if I feel I have to attend an event if it's a good friend inviting me. I love chatting for ages to a good friend and hate it when others appear and we have to include them! I need lots of time on my own to "process" social situations. I definitely overanalyse!

With my family (5 of us) I can get overwhelmed by the noise and constant demands, particularly on family holidays where we're together all the time. They know I need a lot of head space and are usually good about letting me have it before I get stressy.

Having said all this I like the way I am, I wouldn't want to be any different.

I don't think you need to change being an introvert OP (the assertiveness is a different issue), you just need strategies to deal with the situations you find tricky.

I am quite a confident and extrovert person but I still don't like loud 'me me me' people.

I hate people who hog a conversation and have become quite adept at saying things like: 'can you not interrupt me please' or 'let someone else have a say.'

It's important to remember in asserting yourself you are not being rude - the person you are standing up to probably is though.

I am like this too

Very little self confidence, only ever made a little better with a Vodka or 2.

I have recently moved to a new area so have had to do the whole new school playground, toddler club etc.. It's been tough still is but in the main people have been very friendly. Although deep down I would much rather avoid it all truth be told.

You are exactly like me Kim147 I feel I can't get a word in edge ways with some people, as they just don't notice that maybe we would like to join in and let us have a say. This is exactly how I felt at the weekend. Social anxiety doesn't help.

I think we would get along well and let each other speak :)

I am told I am a good listener which is a good thing and I am glad, but sometimes it's because I don't get a chance to speak :o

I don't agree that "extroverts annoy people" any more than introverts do.

What annoys people is when they do not realise that different people might like different things to you.

And yes I need to be more assertive, I just worry about being rude, but I shouldn't because I admire people who can be assertive and speak their mind (so long as they are not obnoxious).

Are you my long lost twin kim because you sound exactly like me!

Yes, what Trills said.

I am also the person who is always saying 'so and so had something to add' because I pay attention. Not because I'm an introvert or extrovert.

I think you can learn not to be a people pleaser and become more assertive. I have. I was a very timid child who was always praised for being good and doing whatever my parents wanted.

I found it helpful to store up a few phrases for different situations. An American friend taught me to say "It's not going to work for me this time" which can be used to say no to so many things! So much better than getting tied up with excuses.

If I have stood up to someone I do feel all churned up afterwards, but I go through what they did/said and what I said, and usually I find that the other person was being rude or pushy and needed standing up to. If I do feel afterwards that I might have spoken out of turn, I will go and apologise.

This is me.

My DS1 is an introvert, but has pretty good self-esteem when others aren't implying that he is strange!