To want to have a bit of peace at Christmas in my own home?

[ILiveInAPineappleCoveredInSnow]

Just had probably the most stressful phone conversation ever with my mother!!!

We are buying a house, and my parents are moving into the top floor as a granny annexe because my mum is disabled and my dad needs some help looking after her (it's a 3 storey house). They will have a bedroom, shower room and living room on the top floor.
We will share use of the kitchen, but the rest of the house is ours. There is no spare bedroom.

The house is most likely not going to be completed until the end of November, and according to Persimmon, they need two weeks after it's built before we can move in - so that's going to be the middle of December. We are renting the house we are in at the moment, just waiting for the new house to be built.

We are putting on a conservatory as soon as the house is finished, obviously weather permitting for the laying of the groundwork - this will be a shared area, but will be quite large (9m x 3.3m).

My mother, without discussing it with anyone, decided to invite my grandparents and uncle down from Scotland for Christmas, to stay in the new house. She has decided that she and my dad will sleep on a sofa bed in their living room, my grandparents will sleep in my parents room and my uncle can either sleep in my DS1 or DS2(not yet born....) bedroom.
I initially agreed to this after much ranting at DH on the proviso that the conservatory was built and this would be the "living space" that was used when they were down- not our family living room. This was initially ok as the house build was well ahead. It has since fallen behind so we are back to probably only getting in mid-December.

Today, my mum starts going on about Christmas again, and I pointed out that it was now more unlikely that the conservatory would be built do maybe she and my dad could go up to my grandparents as obviously the deal was they'd only come down if we were settled and the conservatory was built.

She started going on about it being one of the few Christmases they have left (the very thing she berated my MiL for when DH's Nan was still alive!!!) etc etc.

So now I am properly dreading Christmas. I am even considering retaining the rent on this house until January and becoming an antisocial recluse over Christmas because I am so angry an upset about being pushed and guilt tripped into spending my baby's first Christmas in the very way I didn't want to - 7 adults crammed into my living room for a week, having to pander to other people's times, needs and wants instead of my children's, not being able to lie on my couch and snooze, watching what I want on tv after being up and down half the night with the baby.

I know writing this down makes it seem so selfish, but my mother has a history of "showing off" and I know that this is why she has to have Christmas the way she wants it, with no real thought to the fact she is imposing on MY living space and my first Christmas with my new baby and DS1 as a big brother.

I even suggested she could go up there with my dad - my grandparents don't like travelling and are in their mid 80s, but she puts a huge amount of pressure on them every year to come down at Christmas, despite the roads being very busy and the weather so poor.

I can't rant to DH about it as he has just spent 3 weeks in a psychiatric hospital with severe PTSD, and the stress of hearing me on the phone to my mother earlier was even too much for him - so goodness knows what he will be like if she insists on going ahead with it. Waiting for my brother to call me to chat but he is ill as is his wife and DS so I fully expect not to hear from him tonight.

I'm just so frustrated at being effectively forced into what will be a really stressful christmas, after having just been through the worst period in my life while DH was in hospital, and about to have a new baby at the start of November.
I'm hurt that my mother thinks it's ok to try to guilt trip me with my grandparents deaths and I just feel like screaming about it all ??

Am I being unreasonable in feeling like this, or is my mother?

In terms of day-to-day living, there is no difference between living in a flat which had no lift for ambulance access

Very, very few purpose-built flats have access which is as constrained as a domestic staircase. No flats which are purpose built for sheltered housing do.

She couldn't manage in sheltered housing anyway for more than the next year, and none ofte flats round here are purpose built modern flats. We live in a very rural area, not a large city - otherwise it would be a lot easier!!

your priority is your dh and child.
Moving your parents in is a really bad idea, from the setup you've described. Couldn't you have found a place with a separate self contained granny annexe? In effect, having them on the 3rd floor is having them living with you in the same house. How old are they? My miL is ill and disabled and has been for the past 15 years or so. They could be living with you for a very long time. And kic
Is it too late to back out of this situation?

She couldn't manage in sheltered housing anyway for more than the next year

I have experience of sheltered housing and care homes (nursing homes and care homes are now all called care homes). It seems odd that sheltered housing wouldn't work long-term but a house would. Carers can support your mum and dad wherever she lives. I hope it goes well. Hopefully you've had discussions about the things I mentioned in my earlier post (holidays, ill health and any other commitments that mean you can't care for your mum), and under what circumstances either you or your parents may want to move from your new home, how you'll deal with that. It's assumptions and misunderstandings that'll cause problems.

Yes, it sounds like the plan is that the OP's mum and dad will spend the rest of their days in the new home. The OP's mum is under 60 iirc so the situation could realistically continue for 30 years or so, it's a living arrangement that could continue until the OP is retirement age.

Because of the illness my mum has, she's not likely to live another 10 years, never mind 30. I wish she was going to be around that long, but she's not, and we all know it.

My brother also lives nearby so holidays etc are fine.

Like I say, the problem does not surround long term arrangements but purely the lack of space this Christmas due to building works not being finished to accommodate my grandparents.

I appreciate the concern of other posters, but as I have said, the living arrangements are not the issue, only this Christmas just after the move etc.

Thank you to all who have posted constructive comments, particularly those who have tried to offer advice and ideas relating to the actual issue that I asked for help with.

As I said previously, I hope it goes well. I think those of us who talked about the arrangement in terms of several decades were thinking of your dad too.

Honestly?

Ring your grandparents and uncle yourself and cancel. Don't wait for your mother to come round to your way of thinking. It isn't doable. No one will have a good time.

And keep the rental until January. What with your husband's illness, you really don't want to have to do Xmas or the move in a stressed hurry.

Good luck with everything.

I think you should extend the lease on your rent house and spend Christmas there if your mum won't change her mind.

It also gives you more time to move and unpack without rushing to get everything ready for Christmas when you have a new born, and one last Christmas as a small family before every Christmas as a big extended family gathering.

I think you and your dh are doing a lovely thing for your mum and dad, but remember this is such a stressful time for you and if you need your own space that should be respected too.

Good luck Pineapple.Do not be put off by everyone.Sounds as if you have thought it through and it will work.Your support for your father is admirable.This is what happens in families where I come from.

Wonderful things like conservatories and stairlifts are unheard of in mudhuts,but people look after their own and get on with it.

In the long run the beautiful airy view is all that will matter to your Mum. Perish the thought of a nursing home if they can have this.

I think Monkeymamma has hit the nail on the head- tell everybody that the new house is not going to be ready to move into at Christmas after all, and so everyone will need to stay put until January. Take away all possible room for manoeuvre.

And I do think you need to contact GP etc yourself, to be sure they know what's what.

And TBH I think the living arrangements sound fine as long as you can put a small kitchen area in your parents' living room, so they can have at least some meals upstairs .

I agree with Inertia.

And her inviting people to stay in YOUR house without asking you would have been a deal-breaker for me, so YANBU at all.

Thanks everyone, there is plenty of space for a kitchen area certainly, so we can do that after we move in with relative ease.

I know she will end her days a lot happier with us in a beautiful space, and my dad will be a lot happier with support also.

Had a chat with my dad this afternoon, and he is going to speak to my mum about reining in her organising of things without thinking about everyone else. I also told him I am going to ring the GP tonight and arrange for them to come down in the new year - he is of the impression that christmas is "just another day" to them, so they will be happy to wait and come down when the roads are quieter anyway. Feel a lot better that my dad's immediate reaction was "what? No, that won't work!"

Glad your dad's on board and it looks like you can sort Christmas out - you are a very good daughter.

where do they live now? can they stay there until after xmas and then move in to give you time to get everything sorted. have a word with the builders and tell a few porkies about timescales. then guests could stay with them? and you could have them over for Xmas dinner? y'know... problem with the plumbing in their wetroom? unexpected leak or some such nonsense. Or just be truthful and say all this is just too much for you with DH and new baby and you need the time to settle in and welcome them after xmas.