To want to have a bit of peace at Christmas in my own home?

[ILiveInAPineappleCoveredInSnow]

Just had probably the most stressful phone conversation ever with my mother!!!

We are buying a house, and my parents are moving into the top floor as a granny annexe because my mum is disabled and my dad needs some help looking after her (it's a 3 storey house). They will have a bedroom, shower room and living room on the top floor.
We will share use of the kitchen, but the rest of the house is ours. There is no spare bedroom.

The house is most likely not going to be completed until the end of November, and according to Persimmon, they need two weeks after it's built before we can move in - so that's going to be the middle of December. We are renting the house we are in at the moment, just waiting for the new house to be built.

We are putting on a conservatory as soon as the house is finished, obviously weather permitting for the laying of the groundwork - this will be a shared area, but will be quite large (9m x 3.3m).

My mother, without discussing it with anyone, decided to invite my grandparents and uncle down from Scotland for Christmas, to stay in the new house. She has decided that she and my dad will sleep on a sofa bed in their living room, my grandparents will sleep in my parents room and my uncle can either sleep in my DS1 or DS2(not yet born....) bedroom.
I initially agreed to this after much ranting at DH on the proviso that the conservatory was built and this would be the "living space" that was used when they were down- not our family living room. This was initially ok as the house build was well ahead. It has since fallen behind so we are back to probably only getting in mid-December.

Today, my mum starts going on about Christmas again, and I pointed out that it was now more unlikely that the conservatory would be built do maybe she and my dad could go up to my grandparents as obviously the deal was they'd only come down if we were settled and the conservatory was built.

She started going on about it being one of the few Christmases they have left (the very thing she berated my MiL for when DH's Nan was still alive!!!) etc etc.

So now I am properly dreading Christmas. I am even considering retaining the rent on this house until January and becoming an antisocial recluse over Christmas because I am so angry an upset about being pushed and guilt tripped into spending my baby's first Christmas in the very way I didn't want to - 7 adults crammed into my living room for a week, having to pander to other people's times, needs and wants instead of my children's, not being able to lie on my couch and snooze, watching what I want on tv after being up and down half the night with the baby.

I know writing this down makes it seem so selfish, but my mother has a history of "showing off" and I know that this is why she has to have Christmas the way she wants it, with no real thought to the fact she is imposing on MY living space and my first Christmas with my new baby and DS1 as a big brother.

I even suggested she could go up there with my dad - my grandparents don't like travelling and are in their mid 80s, but she puts a huge amount of pressure on them every year to come down at Christmas, despite the roads being very busy and the weather so poor.

I can't rant to DH about it as he has just spent 3 weeks in a psychiatric hospital with severe PTSD, and the stress of hearing me on the phone to my mother earlier was even too much for him - so goodness knows what he will be like if she insists on going ahead with it. Waiting for my brother to call me to chat but he is ill as is his wife and DS so I fully expect not to hear from him tonight.

I'm just so frustrated at being effectively forced into what will be a really stressful christmas, after having just been through the worst period in my life while DH was in hospital, and about to have a new baby at the start of November.
I'm hurt that my mother thinks it's ok to try to guilt trip me with my grandparents deaths and I just feel like screaming about it all ??

Am I being unreasonable in feeling like this, or is my mother?

You need to rethink this whole thing.

It sounds like you are treating it as your house with your parents stuck in their couple of rooms upstairs. I am your Mums age (although not disabled) and would not want to live in an attic like a poor relation.

DH developed ptsd after an accident where he almost died, and that's what his flashbacks concern.

My GP only come down once per yr, one of the children can give up their bedroom and try can share together for te few days in a year, I'm sure they will cope with that.

Having a kitchenette fitted upstairs is an option in future but will not be done in time for this Christmas.

My dad is not getting any younger either and isn't really able to lift my mum etc by himself now hence the need for help.

Them using the conservatory is what it is there for, it is having underfloor heating and aircon fitted, and being designed on the LivIn Room new style, so it is a useable room all yr round. We are also having a downstairs toilet fitted at te same time so that won't be an issue if she is downstairs.

Like I say, if we were in with the conservatory built, it would not be an issue, space would not be a problem. It's fitting 7 adults into our small living room with nobody having any breathin space, whilst being in the midst of boxes that's the issue. Plus my mum trying to use emotional blackmail.

My dad is going to ring me tomorrow when my mum is napping, but we had a quick chat via text and he said she was out of order and he will speak to her. He is her voice of reason and knows that she often only sees what she wants, rather than the effect on everyone else.

Long term, the living arrangements are fine, and certainly better than her going into a nursing home, and a lot better than if she and my dad were shoved in some pokey flat with no space to swing a cat.

If you don't get on with your mum now it is only going to be worse when she moves in.

We could swap living rooms, but my dad strongly wants their own space, hence having the top floor (with the views over open countryside!!) and the two biggest rooms. They wouldn't have this if they had our living room, and also would have a much smaller bedroom on the second floor (the one we are having), which my mum would hate.

She is delighted with her new accommodation as it is very spacious indeed (bedroom same size as living room), plus a custom wet room for her, and my dad doesn't need to cook every meal as DH and I love cooking. She continually talks about the lovely view they will have and can't wait for that.

It literally is THIS Christmas that the issue. Next Christmas we will have the extra space we need to have a calm Christmas, plus we won't just have moved and have a tit baby plus trying to get DH back on his feet!

But it is the OP's (and her immediate family) house and presumably both her parents have agreed to this arrangement. It also sounds like the 'attic' is more like a large flat albeit the kitchen is downstairs.

The only issue the OP has is having visitors at a very unsuitable time.

Anne, on the whole we get on well, she just has moments of extreme self-centredness!

Cross post with op!

hope your DH agrees with you. YOur dm loves her large bedroom, your ddad loves his huge sitting room but it is your and your dhs house. He is very ill and maybe the huge bedroom and living room?

Ilive I understand what you are saying, but it sounds as though you two are quite alike from some of the things you have posted on here. Not the best indicator of a peaceful future.

If she has moments of extreme self centredness, you're going to need to start being robust in refuting them. This will come up again in some other form if she can be self centred.

I don't know why you didn't just deal with it now. if this had been my mum, i would have said with a laugh, "we'll have a new baby, it's his first Christmas. DH is seriously ill and needs peace. Are you completely out of your mind? Of course not!" I am quite rude though.

I think you need to practice: "No, that is our space and its not convenient."

Have you checked with the Council whether there are any planning restrictions about building the conservatory?

New developments often have planning conditions attached which restrict what you can build without planning permission.

If your mum's level of incapacity is such that you think a nursing home is even an option then I cannot understand why you think a granny annex is appropriate. The only reason I can think of is that you think you and your dh can step up and provide whatever care that your father cannot manage. Otherwise a sheltered or assisted housing flat could provide them a nice social life and safe accommodation (no student parties in the building) and carers can come in as required.
With a young family and presumably a mother whose care needs are not temporary, I urge you to consider a long-term plan that means you are able to have a normal family life, visit and enjoy your parents but don't take on daily tasks. You'll not be able to go on holiday, be ill, change jobs or do any normal things without making arrangements for someone else to cover you. And it sounds like you'll get guilt trips if you suggest respite care for your mum so you can have a family holiday.

Have you connected a carer's group either n person or online to hear more about what to expect?

OP, your Mum's Christmas plans really don't sound unreasonable. People squish up at Christmas, your children are small and the elder one will be too excited out Santa to care where he sleeps.

If you don't see that the feelings you have about the situation are only a taster of what's to come then I fear you're in for a rude awakening.

From what you have said, not one person this thread thinks your living arrangement will work long term.

Give that some thought before it's too late

Yanbu. New house (will definately go over, i bet it wont be ready by xmas), childbirth and a new baby, xmas, disabled difficult mum, old doddery rellies staying at your house, a toddler to look after, poorly husband.

I really do think thats too much stress.

Tell the parents the house now wont be ready until first week in Jan. Come to my house for xmas day and I shall look after your toddler with my children and place you in a comfy chair with the new baby. Xmas lunch served at 3pm

YANBU - You obviously need to put your foot down over Christmas. I would keep your rental flat going well as that will give you more options if the house is not ready. I really do think you need to priority your DH and your DC's (as well as yourself) at the moment.

I don't want to get into the long term living arrangements as you all seem reasonably happy with them. I would say that in your shoes I'd get a kitchenette put into the upstairs lounge. That will make life much easier for your DF and your parents will be more self contained.

You'll have a new baby and DH needs to avoid stress. Can you stay at the old house over Xmas?

Where are your parents moving from OP? Is it nearby? Can they stay there instead?

Have you applied for the building warrant for the conservatory and got quotes from builders yet?

I really don't think having a granny annexe on the third floor of a house for a disabled person is going to work. Can you make it on the ground floor instead and occupy the top two floors?

If its a new build development with a proportion of affordable housing, there may be smaller units in the same development to rent. Maybe this would be a better option for your parents?

op, another reason to rethink the 3rd floor - if your mum is very disabled, she will probably need, at some point, paramedic assistance to get into an ambulance. I cannot think this would be easy in a 3rd floor annex.

We have a short steep staircase, and the paramedics were very unhappy about moving DH when he collapsed upstairs. ANd thats 11 steps. Not two flights.

Oh my op, the whole set up sounds like a disaster waiting to happen!

Christmas is the least of your problems, i don't think this will work out, it sounds like a nightmare
Poor you x

It sounds to me like the OPs parents may be putting in a large amount of equity so the OP and family can actually afford the house they want and the parents have some onsite help. So its a win win for all parties concerned.

I think both the OP and her mother have been a little naive in assuming everything would be ready and agree with other posters about granny annexe on the ground floor being better

and the parents have some onsite help

Being thirty-five, and providing some help to your sixty year old mother who's mostly looked after by your sixty year old father sounds supportive and daughterly although oddly, sons rarely do the same.

Being sixty-five, but still having daily responsibility for a completely bedbound ninety year old widow, not so much.

The OP doesn't say that the alternative is residential case, they say the alternative is a nursing home. "Nursing home" means that, already, the care requirements cross quite a high threshold.

Aside from all the bigger long term issues I think that your parents are being very unreasonable and inconsiderate about Christmas. I'm also expecting a baby soon and there is no way my family would expect me to go through all that hassle and stress just for the sake of Christmas.

You are already making a big sacrifice by having your parents come live with you, you have to put your foot down over things like this, it doesn't matter how old your grandparents are, you can go up and see them in a few months to show them the new baby or have them to visit when it suits you. Christmas is just another day, I don't think you'd regret it if you opted out this year.

Well... Leaving aside any other issues there is a blindingly simple solution to your immediate problem. You are the owners of the new house. The builders presumably communicate solely with you and your DH. So, you've spoken to the builder. The new prospective move date is now Jan 15th (pick a date - whenever you think the house will definitely be ready and the conservatory finished). Everyone books their own removals and makes their own Xmas arrangements. This isn't the selfish option, its the sensible one - bearing in mind the needs of your ill husband, your new dc and existing son not to mention your gps. I know from experience that the date always slips on new builds so it is wrongheaded to bank on the mid Dec date anyway. You will have a very stressful time coordinating removals, utilities etc anyway while the dates are souncertain and so close to Xmas.

Appreciate my suggestion sounds dishonest and passive aggressive. But it neatly avoids conflict and if ever there was a time you and dh need to minimise stress, its now. This also allows you to take ownership of the situation and the new house. So please, specify the new date, extend your lease and start planning a lovely, relaxed Xmas :-)

We are putting in the equity from our previous house sale and savings. My parents need the equity from their house sale to fund medical treatment not available on the nhs. We have sold our house to release the equity, which was a house we loved, however it was my DH who suggested the arrangements as he saw the stress on me running backwards and forwards trying to care for my mum. This way, it's a lot less stress on me, and on DH as he isn't trying to help me deal with it all.

In terms of day-to-day living, there is no difference between living in a flat which had no lift for ambulance access, and as I have said all parties are happy with the arrangement of rooms.

Am seeing the site manager today so will ask re dates but thinking it might be an idea to push it back as the last poster suggested.

We do have planning consent for the conservatory, the builder and architect arranged this at the early planing stage for the conservatory as it is needed on a new build.

I have no worries regarding the daily arrangements, that will all be fine, and we have set out plans for bills, living space etc. just that my mum hasn't quite realised the upheaval we will be in just at Christmas time when she invited my GP to stay! If it was next Christmas, it would be fine as we wouldn't have just moved house and not have the extra living space!!!

The issue isn't at all with the plans for long term living, it literally is just this Christmas!

Thanks to all the constructive replies and ideas!