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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit annoyed at DH because of this?

102 replies

Madratlady · 06/10/2013 18:32

I'm totally prepared to be told IABU, I have a feeling I am a bit anyway.

A couple of weeks ago I had a bad cold. I'm 6 months pregnant and have PGP as well so I felt like death but I went to work for 3 12 hour shifts in a row, in a demanding job, anyway, because we need the money and I wouldn't have got any sick pay.

DH then caught my cold. He also felt terrible but took 3 days off. He also doesn't get paid for not being at work so we're now short of money which I was relying on to pay the bills. We're currently clearing debts from me being out of work for 3 months (I got a new job after 10 days but CRB checks etc delayed me starting). He works 8-4 and has a laid back job in IT.

And just to make it worse the tumble dryer is on it's last legs and the washer isn't much better so we'll need to find more money. I'm stressing cos we can't make ends meet and it's going to carry over into next month cos I'll have t use money I was going to put away towards bills at the beginning of next month to pay off the last of the things we owe this month. And I'm struggling at work due to PGP and could really do with stopping for maternity leave a few weeks earlier than my original goal of 38 weeks but I don't want to because we need the money I earn.

I know none of that last paragraph is DH's fault by the way, I'm just stressed and £300 isn't money we can afford to not have just because he had a cold.

OP posts:

JoinYourPlayfellows · 07/10/2013 14:30

"And for some strange reason, they do seem to hit men harder. Either that or every man who has ever suffered a cold is a lying malingerer."

I'm going with "lying malingerer" for your sample of anecdotal men.

I guess that's what people mean when they refer to "man flu".

It's not something I've ever witnessed in my own life, where men actually take their responsibilities to their families seriously and take pride in going to work even when they aren't feeling tip top.

It's a bit ridiculous to claim that a healthy young man would be hit harder by a cold than a pregnant woman whose physical health is already compromised by her pregnancy,

MistressIggi · 07/10/2013 18:59

I don't think ALL cold hit ALL men harder. But nor do I think (all) men are lying malingerers. Something of a false dilemma, surely? Men may well have been brought up to be the ones looked after, cared for when sick. Little girls will have been cared for too, but they will see it's the mum (usually) doing the caring, and have that as a role model. For a lot of mothers, taking a sick day is so rarely an option - when do sahp get one, for example? (I am not one myself).

bigkidsdidit · 07/10/2013 19:08

I read a paper last year sayin tht women actually have greater responses to respiratory viruses (and therefore theoretically suffer more) although men are susceptible to more viruses.

I think YANBU. You are pregnant, this is the time to save money not spend three days' worth of income coddling yourself on the sofa.

ayahushca · 08/10/2013 00:36

The people who think he should "man up" (I know they're in the minority, but it still absolutely boils my piss that it's put up with here) are horrible sexist pigs.

Question for the "man-uppers" (not the rest of you, you're aces): If this were a thread by a woman who was feeling horribly ill, and was being told by her man that she should get up and go to work purely because HE did so the last time he felt ill (and remember, we know nothing about the relativity of the two individual illnessess here), would you now be telling her in pointedly gendered language to stop being such a whinging little woman and get up and go to it? Would you?

Or would you say he's being a dicksplash for pressurising her when she's feeling sick and miserable, and berate him for caring more about a tumble dryer more than his partner's wellbeing. I think we all know the answer.

Mumsyblouse · 08/10/2013 04:45

Colds hit men harder? Is that a funny joke?

I don't know anyone who can afford to have three days off over a cold, flu maybe once every couple of years, but colds are common, the average person has about 5/6 a year, is he going to take 18 days off then?!

I do get sick pay but I don't take three days off for a cold. I might go home early one day and if very ill take a day off, but in general, I dose up and get on. I don't get the argument that it's better not to infect the workplace, I teach students and probably 1/3 have colds at any one time in the winter, should we all stay home the entire winter?

I'm sorry to say that the hints around this post about this guy wouldn't give me great confidence he's going to step up to the mark because the only way this relationship is working is if you drive it, you manage it and you do all the budgeting/worrying about money. This will tire you out a lot over the years.

Toadinthehole · 08/10/2013 06:54

For God's sake. He took three days off. Some of you sound as if you ought to look after yourselves a bit better - like he does. It might make you better human beings.

ILikeBirds · 08/10/2013 07:04

Temp job and no holiday pay is illegal btw.

poachedeggs · 08/10/2013 07:13

I love this thread.

Feminism, LTBs and unemployment outrage, with recommendations for Lakeland heated airers thrown in.

OP, I bought my washing machine for £30 in 2007, and it was fifteen years old then. Still works like a dream.

comingalongnicely · 08/10/2013 07:41

As someone that works in an office with a lot of people I'd just like to say "Thanks" to your DH.

There's nothing worse than some idiot "manning up" and coming in with their lurgy - before you know if half the office has got it & it takes weeks to go because it keeps going round.

It's like a bloody alien, once it's in the Air Con you never get rid of it...

I've sent people home rather than have them coughing & spluttering all over the place.

Interesting to see the criticism of someone that knows their limits & wants to minimise the time they take off. Did he moan like buggery when you were "lazing around" for your 3 months OP??

Pollydon · 08/10/2013 07:48

IMO a person should only take sick days ic they are incapable of getting up \dressed ect, so YADNBU, & your dh needs to grow\man up !!!

kali110 · 08/10/2013 07:56

Dont think it was wrong for oh to take time off, some people do suffer more than others. When i get ill i get it really bad.
Think its funny that as its just an it job he should just soldier on, like that sort of job he doesnt really need to have lots of concentration for??
Could all these posters direct me to all these easy to find jobs are though?? Iv been out of work for few months now and would love to know where they are!
You do need experience for a lot of temp jobs including shelf stackers! Im lucky to
Have years of customer service but aomebody who didnt wouldnt find it so easy
So no, its not eady to walk into a bloody temp job just to tide things over..

MistressIggi · 08/10/2013 07:58

Toadinthehole, was he looking after himself as you suggest when he ran up the debts that the OP has helped to pay off? Bit more to it than the three days off.

OneUp · 08/10/2013 08:26

IMO it's ridiculous of your DH to have taken time off for a COLD. I would never ever take time off work or college for a cold because it's just not a big deal. I've had awful colds where I've felt really crappy and just got up and got on with it because I have to. Sick days are for when you are literally too sick to get out of bed and/or have a stomach bug.

redexpat · 08/10/2013 08:33

YANBU, but could you perhaps steer the conversation towards how can we increase our income to make up the shortfall? Is ebaying anything an option? Carboot sales? Could you/he/both deliver yellow pages at the weekend or something? Just in the short term.

Wheatus · 08/10/2013 08:39

Can he work weekends to make the time up?

FannyFifer · 08/10/2013 08:55

Neither myself or DP get paid when off sick, we do not take time off with the cold.
Ridiculous that anyone in same circumstances would.

After his first day off why did you not tell him to get back to work as you need the money?

curlew · 08/10/2013 09:07

Did someone really say that a healthy young man is likely to be more severely affected by a cold virus than a 6 months pregnant woman with PGP???? Really??????

redskyatnight · 08/10/2013 09:56

I hardly ever take time off work sick. As in I average about 1 day off a year.
If I had a "normal everyday" cold I would drug myself up, and struggle on.

Every so often I have a "not-quite-so-normal everyday" cold. I feel dizzyand faint and even getting out of bed to go to the toilet is an effort. It's unlikely I would make it into work, never mind get through the day.

Really not clear from OP what brand of cold her DH has had. If her DH is aware that money is short and is doing all he can to support the family (and no evidence that he isn't from where I'm sitting), then I'm inclined to think that he has not taken time off ill unless he really truly felt he couldn't go in.

comingalongnicely · 08/10/2013 09:58

MistressIggi "Toadinthehole, was he looking after himself as you suggest when he ran up the debts that the OP has helped to pay off? Bit more to it than the three days off."

If you'd even bothered to pretend to read the fucking thread, you'd see that the debts were racked up because the OP was out of work for 3 months.

You were so eager to "man bash" that you've made yourself look like a twat!!

comingalongnicely · 08/10/2013 10:00

Not being daft, but I would imagine 3 days at home with the OP in this kind of mood would be worse than being at work with a cold, so it must be fairly dire!

JoinYourPlayfellows · 08/10/2013 10:09

"If you'd even bothered to pretend to read the fucking thread, you'd see that the debts were racked up because the OP was out of work for 3 months. "

No, they weren't.

The debts were racked up because he's shit with money.

He ran up debts before she met him that she has helped him to pay off.

Do you hate all women, or just women who make any demands of men at all?

LessMissAbs · 08/10/2013 10:21

YANBU - his lack of robustness is causing you stress. Is he a hypochondriac? If he is in a temporary job, he won't be creating a good enough impression to be kept on if he takes so much time off for minor illnesses. It stresses fellow employees too. 3 days is a lot, and he will get a reputation for being unreliable if he isn't careful. Also, if he does suffer a serious illness or injury, he will be heading towards a very poor sick leave record if he takes any time off.

Doubly YANBU in that he has sat back and taken the wimp's way out while watching his pregnant wife do 12 hour shifts.

I've had to distance myself from two friends who are unreliable hypochondriacs - its terribly stressful to constantly have arrangements cancelled, and to have to listen to their extremely detailed descriptions of how a minor sniffle caused them to let everyone down. I can't deal with that sort of behaviour, you have to OP, so I think I would blow my top at this man. He is really pushing his luck.

Unfortunately when people get into this way of thinking, they can become very selfish. Their minor sniffle becomes overly serious in their heads, and they become selfish and don't think about letting down others. You can see from some of the comments on here how pandering to such nonsense would encourage people that way inclined.

LOL at some of the posts on here - doctors working in kitchens and bars for some reason, rather than doing locum work, if they come from outside the UK, people infecting entire workplaces with The Plague if they come into work with a sniffle, giving up a decent job for fictitious admin work which is instantly available...sounds like an entirely different planet!

Bowlersarm · 08/10/2013 10:33

If you're still reading OP YANBU.

Three days is along time to take off with a cold. It would have been better if he just had one day off, if he absolutely had to, so at least he only lost two days pay not three.

He should be 'banking' as many days as possible in his job. Who knows if he may have to take time off when you have the baby, if he has something more serious than just a cold such as flu or sickness and diarrhoea, or breaks a bone or something.

MistressIggi · 08/10/2013 16:55

Comingalongnicely are you going to come back and apologise for calling me a twat, and getting it so completely wrong in the process? No??
Thank you, joinyourplayfellows for pointing out his/her mistake earlier.
Stupid and abusive is a great combo

clairemum22 · 08/10/2013 17:24

Do people really take sick leave for an everyday cold?

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