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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not buy ex dp a thirtieth birthday present?

28 replies

Dawnywoo · 06/10/2013 09:09

We split up 4 months ago. He was a taker. Never gave much back. I am very much trying to keep him and his ovrbearing parents at arms length. They have very generous access to our DD. Its just that if i give any of them an inch, they will take a mile. Anyway, he currently pays no maintenance and I dont have much money so I have bought him some sweets and a card from our DD. Thats all i can bring mysel to do AIBU?.

OP posts:
CharlieAlphaKiloEcho · 06/10/2013 09:11

YANBU.

And don't for one minute feel guilty. Do you think he will when it comes to your birthday?

BearsBeetsBattlestarGalactica · 06/10/2013 09:12

Nope

SkinnybitchWannabe · 06/10/2013 09:13

YANBU. Get the CSA involved re maintaince

caramelwaffle · 06/10/2013 09:13

Yadnbu.

Contact the CSA

ChasedByBees · 06/10/2013 09:16

Of course YANBU! Not for a second.

Original poster
Dawnywoo · 06/10/2013 09:18

Thanks all. Yes actually he probably will come when its my birthday. Even though he hardly bothered his arse when we were together. I think he thinks he can worm his way back in. Even though I have made it perfectly clear thats not going to happen. I think he thinks I am just being nasty. Very thick skinned and hard to get rid of!

OP posts:
OHforDUCKScake · 06/10/2013 09:21

YANBU!

Squitten · 06/10/2013 09:22

YANBU!

uselessinformation · 06/10/2013 09:24

I think it's important to get something for the child to give until they are old enough to go out and buy their own. It doesn't have to be much though, card and sweets is fine.

totallydone · 06/10/2013 09:24

CSA is the way to go. The money is not for you it is for your DD.
You owe it to her to get maintenance from her DF.

As for birthday present YADNBU

Whocansay · 06/10/2013 10:02

I can't imagine why you're even asking the question, tbh! YANBU. And as others have said, go to the CSA and make him support your child.

BonaDrag · 06/10/2013 10:05

Why is he getting access if he won't pay?

HRHLadyG · 06/10/2013 10:06

Go to the CSA. Don't give his Birthday another thought! x

IneedAsockamnesty · 06/10/2013 10:10

Bona,

Access and child maintenance have nothing to do with each other.

SanityClause · 06/10/2013 10:16

If your DD is old enough to make a card, then that is more than enough. The card is from her, not you!

If she's too little, then fair enough to buy one, and get her to make her "mark" if she's too little to write.

BrokenSunglasses · 06/10/2013 10:43

Bona, children are not pay per view movies on sky TV! They have a right to see their father no matter what goes on between the grown ups in their lives.

I think you've done the right thing OP. You've provided your child with a token to give to her Dad, which is a nice thing to do for her benefit, not her Dads.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 06/10/2013 10:47

I think a card and a gesture gift of sweets is fine.

NameyMcChanger · 06/10/2013 10:50

Oh God Bona, you're one of ^those^ types aren't you ??

LouiseAderyn · 06/10/2013 11:55

I agree with Bona on the grounds that parenting is not something where people can cherry pick the nice bits (access) and ignore the parts they dont want ( paying the bills).

I think a child deserves a proper parent, who is willing to do all that is necessary to give their child what it needs. If a parent isn't willing to do that then I think the child is better off without the half arsed effort from a Disney dad!

pigletmania · 06/10/2013 11:59

Yanbu why should you Confused. Go to CSA and pursue him for maintanence

Original poster
Dawnywoo · 06/10/2013 14:13

Thanks all. Some really good points made. Just to clear up the maintenance thing, I am living in our house and he has moved out. There is no mortgage. He has had to take on a flat so we said we woukd see how finances went. I was happy to give him a coupke of months to find his feet. I will sell the house next year hopefully and he will get his half. At the minute, I cant work properly as DD is only 22 months old and is on waiting list for nursery place. I would need a full time job to get a mortgage if I moved out as half proceeds wouldnt buy me anything and i cant pay rent with no earnings. I am living on child tax credits and a little bit of self employed earnings. Anyway, its just past the 2 month mark and he has just booked a holiday for £700 so I think the issue of child maintnance needs discussing and resolving pronto.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 06/10/2013 14:20

I think it's important to get something for the child to give until they are old enough to go out and buy their own.

I don't.

Original poster
Dawnywoo · 06/10/2013 14:21

BTW its not till you see things in black and white that you realise what an utter mug you have been. I pay all the bills by the way out of the CTC and buy everything that our DD needs. He goes to the pub and out for meals while I sit in the house every night. I must add, that I am happy, love looking after DD but yes, he is getting away with bloody murder. I was so happy to get rid of him and didnt want to be beholding any more than i was for having the house.. anyway, I will sort it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dawnywoo · 06/10/2013 14:23

Annie - I think thats kind of how I felt because he didnt really deserve anything and his parents could always have bought something from DD (which is what my mum has been doing for me as he has never really arsed himsef)

OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 06/10/2013 14:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.